Well, sex IS for making babies, techically - if you look at it from a biological point of view. It is made intensively pleasurable to ensure the continuation of the species, but in my opinion, it is also the core way of expressing being 'in love' and also a way of marking the fact that you're in a marital (and therefore special) R.
If you don't have sex, what is there to discriminate between your H/W and everybody else?
Absence of sex means it's not a M, it might just as well be a friendship. For me, the fact that I sleep with my H (abeit not much) means that he and I share something between us that no one else does; I have a part of him, a closeness that no one else can have. Maybe if you tell her something like that it might change her mind.
Re Cemar: I think he's got the focus too strongly on sex and as a woman I can feel the pressure on his W. If I was under that much pressure to perform from my H, I wouldn't want to. I have had really hot sex in my life and also really dire sex, and the hot sex always happened when it was spontaneous and when he wasn't expecting me to perform.
During the year we were not together, I dated this guy casually just for some fun and the reason we never stayed in touch was because he talked continously of sex and every time we met, even in non-sexual situations, he insisted on going on and on about how he wanted to kiss me and I felt he was not interested in my personality so I did not want to sleep with him, or even see him. I told him I wasn't interested shortly afterwards, and I am normally HD. If Cemar is not careful, he will ruin his M.
Personally though, I think if you're having sex 4 times a month, I would consider that to be a normal level of sex. I would like it 3 or 4 times a week, but on loads of occassions through my R, we have only had it 4 times a month and I was fine with that.
I agree that once a month must be frustrating. Do you talk to her/ask her a lot? Because if you do, I'm guessing she might feel like I did with the casual date.
Would it help if you just didn't mention it and on the times you want to sleep with her, just try it without talking about it?
I agree her spending is awful, My total income for me and dd4 is only about �800 a month. I have to pay back credit cards, but nowhere near the level she does. You need to tell her she has an addiction and do some seriously M work because I know spending is caused by unhappiness.
I bet if she agreed to a more regular SL she wouldn't spend so much money. Bit of a vicious circle, really.
Re my kids. To start with H had to take them, I was ill, but men seem to want quick solutions to things and when he realised I *couldn't* just stop crying and there wasn't a magic pill to make it go away, he got really angry and hateful and agressive, and in my opinion did start using them as weapons (i.e, disappearing for a month, not letting me even speak to them on the phone etc).
I think it became a power/revenge thing and to some extent I think it still is a power thing. He would never agree to me having 50% responsibility or going to his home ed things, but now he is getting over his hurt feelings he is starting to try to accomodate me a bit more.
I think it will be a very gradual process - I have to get to know them again as well, which is very emotionally taxing (more than you would think; it is easily as challenging as re-building an M).
I know he looks after them. I trust him on that score. If he ever hurt them I would turn him into garden fertilizer!
I do think he's too strict - he has loads of rules they *have* to follow and he doesn't tolerate screaming and shouting or toys everywhere or loads of noise. Admittedly, they are well behaved and polite children, but I think he could ease off a little.
He says that fathers are always the strict ones and the mother's are nurterer's, but they haven't had me around much to nurture the last couple of years, so I worry.
Anyway, I am rambling. Gotta fix my printer. There's something wrong with it and I'm supposed to be sending off an article for Chat magazine.
