Thanks for your suggestions. I understand why he is scared, I just get fed up with it as it was 3 years ago and I was officially cleared of having any depression in about Feb 03.
I am very different to back then but he is still seeing the Jo with depression. The trouble was, the trigger point was him so I can see why he gets a bit hands-offish.
He left - I hit the floor, 'reactive depression' so the dr's said. I went from being this woman who ran my own business, managed all the family finances, and looked after 3 kids while he worked in his shop (then ages 5, 4 and 2) to someone who could not make myself a drink.
I didn't get up, I just stopped. Didn't even notice the kids, cried in front of them. He was just going to leave on his own, but then he realised I'd totally rejected them (didn't mean to, it was being ill) so he took them with him. I did not initially try to stop him as I could not look after them at the time, but then he disappeared off with them for a month and refused me any contact at all, and he started up the court stuff to try and remove the baby from me that I was pregnant with, so I guess that's why it got so nasty legally.
At that time when he left, I stopped eating, OD 3 times etc. I was hospitalised and put on Seroxat and had a nurse in the room with me, forcing me to eat. I was pregnant - my little Angel had the fighter spirit.
I tell you, the pregnancy was amazing. I had no morning sickness, no symptoms - in fact, it didn't even visibly show until I was 8 months. I felt her moving around, that was my only indication I was pregnant. The birth only took 25 minutes from start of labour to finish and it didn't hurt - I had her on living room rug, with no dr etc while H had gone to buy shelving units.
I have never had totally painless labour before and didn't think it could happen. She was 7lbs, 3ozs and perfectly normal despite all that happened above. She slept through the night every night from birth until the age of 2 months.
It was almost as if she knew what I was going through and she was being as good a baby as possible to help me along. I truly believe God was with me through this, and I'm not even religious.
I kept having re-lapses (usually because H would say let's get back together and then not). He'd be round my house on the floor with his head in his hands, crying 'you're not the only one whose suicidal' etc. I think he got it too, just in a different way to me. Only he could act in front of the kids and I couldn't, which is my big failing.
In the UK they don't take a baby off the mother unless she is abusing baby and I doted on my baby, she is one of the best things that ever happened to me. So they put me and her in a hospital and I basically did my role as mother from the hospital. They have special mother and baby units where baby stays with you and it has like, a 'homey' living room etc like a real house. The only difference is, there are locked doors and medics there keeping check on you.
I was the only breast feeding mother on the unit. Poor H had to bring my other kids to the hospital to visit me and the baby. He hated it - his father is an alcoholic who spent most of H's childhood in hospital so for him, visiting me there was like going through all that with his dad again.
It was so hard. They let us out and I tried my best not to be depressed, but I had H saying 'I want you but I'm scared of you' (much like now) which used to floor me, and whenever I had the other kids, as soon as they left to go back to him, I'd be crying for hours after because I didn't want them to go.
Then of course, H wouldn't drop the court stuff, refused to tell the GAL the truth that we were in this on-off relationship. We'd be planning a weekend away, then he'd tell her something bad about me, she'd tell me and I'd confront him which would cause a row.
He and I both agree had it not been for the legal action, we would have reunited then.
I really made massive efforts to reform myself. I came off the seroxat (difficult as it's addictive), started GAL etc and got into a regular pattern with the kids. I was even doing home ed with them 3 days a week, and I reckon I was really good at it. Even H was impressed (so he told my friend).
I passed my psyche evals and they were going to give me dd3 back (she requested to live with me and always had a closer R with me than her dad) so lo and behold, OW comes on the scene to make them a 2 parent family, and you know the rest.
That year I didn't see him (and 8 months of that I didn't see them) was actually really good for my development. I completely recovered from any depression, got a different life, started realising I can survive D etc. It was like I died and was re-born.
I think if I hadn't taken that total break, I would still be in tears all the time, so in that respect I think I did my kids a favour. At least now when they see me, I'm not this wreck anymore.
Of course, H is back in my life and he has noticed my changes (he commented on it) but he hasn't seen me all that time so he's terrified that I am acting.
I am having a really difficult time trying to convince him that I am genuine. He responds really well to me and I know he loves me and always did do, but he is still judging everything by past BS.
He says he can see I am different but what if he commits to me and then a few years later we split up and I get depression again? Basically he sees it as one huge risk.
I know I wouldn't as I have proved to myself I can survive D - but it's convincing him of that.
Sorry this is so long. I shall just have to try to be more patient and not take offence.
As for the home ed, he runs the home ed group for his town and is spearheading a campaign to try and stop LEA inspectors from visiting home ed children as he says it's a breech of constituational freedom.
He is group leader for all the home ed kids in town and home ed's our 3 older kids, so as you can imagine, he is not that hot on dd4 going to pre-school, only I run my own business and I write and with her being on her own with me, I think pre-school would be good for her.
I mean, if (WHEN!!!) we move in, he could just do it as there's no sense sending 1 to school and not the others, but right now, as an essentially lone mother, I feel it's an added pressure.
I have asked to go on his home ed trips and he says 'yes', then doesn't invite me because he's terrified.
I've worked in FL, USA for 6 weeks when I was helping with a medical litigation case. Very nice country - can't believe you have drive-thru banks, though!
The houses were interesting as most of them were made out of wood or pre-fab material whereas in the UK all the houses are brick.
I didn't like going outside much as the lizards and stuff freaked me out a bit.
WOW Jo, that is some life. Congratulations for improvements you have made.
I lived with my older brother and his wife for several years (me 12 to 16, brother 29 to 33) and he was hospitalised several times for post tramatic stress while I lived with him. He was on an air-craft carrier during WWII and Japanese komakazi pilots flew into the ship. He never talked about it or the other life threating things that happen during a war. I write this to let you know that I too saw some of the helpless behavior a person exhibits when they are depressed. In the 1950's the treatment was "electric shock therapy"
My brother was very reserved. In first grade, his older sister (mine too) had to buy his ice cream at school because he was shy. I was like that too but not to the degree he was. When I was 20 sometimes I wondered if I would be as depressed as my brother someday. I never did, but went to a selfhelp group counseling program several times because of my back injury, work limitations, and resulting marriage problems. And I am here now.
re your stay in Florida. I moved from the Philidelphia, Pennsylvania (PA) farming area to centeral Florida (Fla) in the early 1950. In PA, I played in the woods. In Fla I played in the swamp where there were lots of trees and not many, but WAY TOO MANY snakes for me. I never liked snakes and even jump when I first see a 2 foot of garden hose when I walk in the weeds. I know the feeling you spoke about when you see those little reptiles. Enough about me.
Never say sorry for the long post, Jo. It is who you were, who you are, and the building blocks to who you will be in the future.
???? ------- refused to tell the GAL -------- GAL is short for "get a life" (IE do positive things, go places, quit complaining and moping) on the DB abreviations list. Does it have another meaning to you or in the U.K.? ( one of these word usage things again. (We phone someone, you ring them)
--------- I have asked to go on his home ed trips and he says 'yes', then doesn't invite me because he's terrified. -------- Jo, this does not compute (slang for something is wrong). H's insecurities or am I typing to an "Ax Murder"? If you are an "Ax murder" you seem so sweet. (humor intended)
I went on school field trips after my back surgery. I had limited mobility for a while but no one looked at me like I was crippled or threatning.
Gotta go now (GGN), past an on-line dead line I set for my self so I get other things done around the house.
I look foward to reading you post to all, and best wishes to Tag too. Sure is difficult to want a happy R with a spouse but to have to wait so long for it to maybe happen. I guess I am not much different than most people. Give me patience and give it to me now! I want results today!
Well, I'm really nervous. He's says he's bringing dd4 back tomorrow morning as she's still not well and has been asking for me. I hope this goes ok, for some reason I am nervous.
Yes, GAL is get a life but it's also 'Guardian Ad Lithem' (or court welfare officer as they are known in the UK - Guardian Ad Lithem is a US term). They are hired during a court procedure to interview both parents and decide what is in the children's best interests.
Re my H and the home ed trips, I find it strange myself as he is really agreeable to me having them at my house and he even invited me to his place last Christmas (I said no) so after I refused he rang me up - oooh sorry - phoned me while I was on a train and asked to come to mine for Christmas.
Yet when it comes to going out anywhere with the kids, he's very controlling. I was amazed actually, that he suggested taking them to the park for Mother's Day as that isn't like him normally. It's almost as if he thinks if I get too close to them I'll get depression or turn into Glen Close from 'Fatal Attraction'.
He seems fine with my partner role and my lover role, but when it comes to my mother role, he's terrified (much the same as I am with his father role).
I've come a long way since then but I can't shake the reputation, and I never boiled a damn rabbit in my life!!! (joke).
I do have mobility restrictions but then so does he so he's not gonna think differently of me for that. He's better at lifting stuff than I am, but that's about it.
Wish me luck, I have to be diplomatic and charming and keep him sweet,
Fear destroys us all. It provides the ammunition to control people's lives. My W says she lives in fear that I've not changed. As our MC says "it's a convenient crutch." If the fear doesn't subside the relationship is doomed. My thoughts on a sunday night after another W explosion.
Tag wrote -------- My thoughts on a sunday night after another W explosion. ---------- What was the rant about this time? Sorry to hear it went poorly for you. Remember that your W is an independent person who chooses to be obstinante. I have more experience than I want with that type of personality.
My W accuses me of being on a porn site when I am here. Tells me at 3AM that she is never going to be controlled by a man ( after my comment about why she thinks she needs / wants a new pair of shoes EVERY month). Tells one of her dog how much she loves him and how sexy he is. Says she does not have to worry about me cheating on her=no other woman would want me. Tells me I don't like her, I don't pay attention to her. That I tell stories to relatives so they don't like her or I screw up her relaitionship with our kids.
W seemed stressed today so I rub her feet while sitting on the sofa and after 90 minuets. W decides she has to let the dogs out, she lifts her legs high, farts loudly, gets up and then laughs for a long time.
All totally childish crap. She sometimes acts like a 14 year old brat. Then is nice to me????
Tomorrow I am going to ask W what all of this stuff means, what is the cause / effect she wants me to see, or is leading to.
------ Fear destroys us all. It provides the ammunition to control people's lives. ------- Good point. I see fear as the reason I don't get things out into the open. I used to stuff things to avoid that confrontational anxiety feeling. I have learned to defuse some of the fear. I have worked on my communication skills, especially removing the emotional part that seemed to derail ant R talks. I am better at HOM and setting boundaries on what is acceptable to me.
I am feeling like the shoe salesman in some bad movies. The lady likes the shoes and they fit. The shoes are a size 9. The lady insists she wears a size 8 and refuses to buy the shoes. Its my fault because I don't know shoe sizes.
----- drive-thru banks, though! -------- Had them when I got my first job in 1962. Was just one window and cash drawer that slid out from the side of the bank towards the parking lot / car park.
-------- The houses were interesting as most of them were made out of wood or pre-fab -------- I had a job building houses one summer. All the outside work was completed in a week. Then the inside was completed in 2 or 3 weeks.
Older houses were stone and brick (pre 1900 or 1920's) but they were not as easy to heat in the winter, more costly to build, took longer to build, and were smaller.
RE: pre-fab and WWI. Almost every GI wanted someone to love, for them to love him, sex which ment babies, and a place to call his own.
Levittown was a big influence on family homes and home ownership because many people copied his building processes. AMERICAN'S GREAM HOUSE AFTER WWII These homes were totally finished inside and outside.
When I lived in Fla, we had a Jim Walters Home. Finished on the outside, nothing finished on the inside. You could see every square inch of the inside of the house from anywhere inside the house. No insulation in the walls or ceiling.
People need housing but were poor so the Walters plan was popular in very rural areas. You had a roof over your head, bed sheets for walls, a matress to sleep on, table and chairs to sit on and eat and most likely a television or a radio for entertainment. Better than renting because it was yours. Seems like another world now.
Another thing I found funny about my time in the USA was that people went outside in their pyjamas. I remember looking at my (American) friend and asking her 'Do all people dress like that?' She said yes. This woman was sitting outside at this smoothie bar at 9pm, in her PJ's, eating ice cream. If you did that in the UK, you'd either be crazy or doing a sponsored run for charity.
Also, everywhere I went people thought I was South African! The guy that lived next door to me (drunk most of the time so that doesn't help), he had such a strong American accent that I couldn't understand him!
He'd be standing there going on and on about something and I'd just be smiling and saying 'yes' - but it was a total mystery to me! LOL.
Re your W thinking you are on a porn site - can't you just tell her you are on DB?
Show her the site - she might be impressed that you are trying to work on the M instead of looking at 'Raunchy Rachel's' big boobies.
Hey, because this site has the word divorce in it, that might shake her up a bit and she might think 'heck, he wants to divorce me. I'd better do something to soften him!'
You never know, you might get your inhouse *miaow* then.
