Thanks for your suggestions. I understand why he is scared, I just get fed up with it as it was 3 years ago and I was officially cleared of having any depression in about Feb 03.
I am very different to back then but he is still seeing the Jo with depression. The trouble was, the trigger point was him so I can see why he gets a bit hands-offish.
He left - I hit the floor, 'reactive depression' so the dr's said. I went from being this woman who ran my own business, managed all the family finances, and looked after 3 kids while he worked in his shop (then ages 5, 4 and 2) to someone who could not make myself a drink.
I didn't get up, I just stopped. Didn't even notice the kids, cried in front of them. He was just going to leave on his own, but then he realised I'd totally rejected them (didn't mean to, it was being ill) so he took them with him. I did not initially try to stop him as I could not look after them at the time, but then he disappeared off with them for a month and refused me any contact at all, and he started up the court stuff to try and remove the baby from me that I was pregnant with, so I guess that's why it got so nasty legally.
At that time when he left, I stopped eating, OD 3 times etc. I was hospitalised and put on Seroxat and had a nurse in the room with me, forcing me to eat. I was pregnant - my little Angel had the fighter spirit.
I tell you, the pregnancy was amazing. I had no morning sickness, no symptoms - in fact, it didn't even visibly show until I was 8 months. I felt her moving around, that was my only indication I was pregnant. The birth only took 25 minutes from start of labour to finish and it didn't hurt - I had her on living room rug, with no dr etc while H had gone to buy shelving units.
I have never had totally painless labour before and didn't think it could happen. She was 7lbs, 3ozs and perfectly normal despite all that happened above. She slept through the night every night from birth until the age of 2 months.
It was almost as if she knew what I was going through and she was being as good a baby as possible to help me along. I truly believe God was with me through this, and I'm not even religious.
I kept having re-lapses (usually because H would say let's get back together and then not). He'd be round my house on the floor with his head in his hands, crying 'you're not the only one whose suicidal' etc. I think he got it too, just in a different way to me. Only he could act in front of the kids and I couldn't, which is my big failing.
In the UK they don't take a baby off the mother unless she is abusing baby and I doted on my baby, she is one of the best things that ever happened to me. So they put me and her in a hospital and I basically did my role as mother from the hospital. They have special mother and baby units where baby stays with you and it has like, a 'homey' living room etc like a real house. The only difference is, there are locked doors and medics there keeping check on you.
I was the only breast feeding mother on the unit. Poor H had to bring my other kids to the hospital to visit me and the baby. He hated it - his father is an alcoholic who spent most of H's childhood in hospital so for him, visiting me there was like going through all that with his dad again.
It was so hard. They let us out and I tried my best not to be depressed, but I had H saying 'I want you but I'm scared of you' (much like now) which used to floor me, and whenever I had the other kids, as soon as they left to go back to him, I'd be crying for hours after because I didn't want them to go.
Then of course, H wouldn't drop the court stuff, refused to tell the GAL the truth that we were in this on-off relationship. We'd be planning a weekend away, then he'd tell her something bad about me, she'd tell me and I'd confront him which would cause a row.
He and I both agree had it not been for the legal action, we would have reunited then.
I really made massive efforts to reform myself. I came off the seroxat (difficult as it's addictive), started GAL etc and got into a regular pattern with the kids. I was even doing home ed with them 3 days a week, and I reckon I was really good at it. Even H was impressed (so he told my friend).
I passed my psyche evals and they were going to give me dd3 back (she requested to live with me and always had a closer R with me than her dad) so lo and behold, OW comes on the scene to make them a 2 parent family, and you know the rest.
That year I didn't see him (and 8 months of that I didn't see them) was actually really good for my development. I completely recovered from any depression, got a different life, started realising I can survive D etc. It was like I died and was re-born.
I think if I hadn't taken that total break, I would still be in tears all the time, so in that respect I think I did my kids a favour. At least now when they see me, I'm not this wreck anymore.
Of course, H is back in my life and he has noticed my changes (he commented on it) but he hasn't seen me all that time so he's terrified that I am acting.
I am having a really difficult time trying to convince him that I am genuine. He responds really well to me and I know he loves me and always did do, but he is still judging everything by past BS.
He says he can see I am different but what if he commits to me and then a few years later we split up and I get depression again? Basically he sees it as one huge risk.
I know I wouldn't as I have proved to myself I can survive D - but it's convincing him of that.
Sorry this is so long. I shall just have to try to be more patient and not take offence.
As for the home ed, he runs the home ed group for his town and is spearheading a campaign to try and stop LEA inspectors from visiting home ed children as he says it's a breech of constituational freedom.
He is group leader for all the home ed kids in town and home ed's our 3 older kids, so as you can imagine, he is not that hot on dd4 going to pre-school, only I run my own business and I write and with her being on her own with me, I think pre-school would be good for her.
I mean, if (WHEN!!!) we move in, he could just do it as there's no sense sending 1 to school and not the others, but right now, as an essentially lone mother, I feel it's an added pressure.
I have asked to go on his home ed trips and he says 'yes', then doesn't invite me because he's terrified.
