1. Do not answer the phone every time it rings, therefore on occassions when he calls you, you aren't always available to him.
2. Put a message on your answer phone that sounds happy and upbeat.
3. Change your clothes/hair. Look gorgeous every time he sees you but DON'T touch him. (You are a desirable sexy female that he can't have).
4. Don't automatically tell him stuff you've been up - wait for him to ask you.
5. Go out with friends more/ get hobbies etc so when he DOES ask you, you have new stuff to tell him.
6. Change stuff in the house, just little things, like buying new coffee mugs or putting new paintings on the wall. Change the furniture layout, i.e, move the sofa to other end of room. These little things keep him on his toes.
7. Put a list of important phone numbers by your phone or somewhere he can see it, and make sure you DON'T include his. (This worked like a classic on my H).
8. When you do see him/talk on the phone make sure you sound interested in what he says and cheerful, but be the first one to end the conversation.
9. If he compliments you on your clothes/smile etc then smile even more and say 'Yes I know I have a great smile' (shows him self-confidence). When my H says I'm wonderful i say 'I know I am, but I'm glad you noticed'.
10. DON'T talk about the R or the OW or anything heavy. If he says something about 'needing space' and 'it being about him' just smile and say okay.
11. Act like you aren't bothered about the D. Be upbeat with him, but mechanical about anything to do with D. Even if it kills, tell yourself you accept the process and just go through it as if you are an atty and it's your job. He may then wonder why you aren't bothered, or do what my H did and bounce back right before D goes through. Remember if it does happen, the D is not your R, it is a piece of paper.
Just ignore your H's comments about him 'doing the right thing' - he's trying to get an emotional response from you. If you act like you are calm and cool about it, he will be wondering why you don't need him.
Obviously with no kids, your opportunities to meet him are less but if you do the stuff I listed (all of which I have done with my H and which worked for me) then you might have a good chance.
My H is okay, my kids are okay, it's me - ME!! I am upset so I figure I want to go dark as I need some space.
As I said in other posts, negative emotions never did the DB'ing process any good so I've decided to cut off for a week or so until I can get a handle on my feelings.
I will turn off my cell phone and I've turned off my msn so I can just have some quiet time.
What do you reckon, is that a stupid idea - am I being daft? We only just had a family day out but I have loads of internal issues going on in my head that I haven't resolved and I just feel if I tried to broach them with him now, it would put the DB'ing back, so it's safer to go dark until I can re-group myself.
Please people, send me a virtual hug. I promise I will be back to my normal self tomorrow.
Thanks so much for your fabulous advice. I am doing most of the things you suggested but am having a hard time being cheery and upbeat. I will work hard on that.
As far as you...like you were just telling me...negative emotions have no place in DBing so it probably would be good to go dark until you get yourself together. Take care and good luck.
Thanks - re the cheery and upbeat problem, if you surround yourself with friends, go out to dinner, to the movies etc then it will be easier to be cheerful as I always found it easier to be cheerful when in the company of others and when I had depression, the severity was always much less when I was with friends or doing things.
Thanks for the hug. I'm sure I'll be ok when I've had some space. It was just the thing with changing our dd's name and not being invited to the birthday party and I DID iron it out with H successfully but I had all my dd's with me the last couple of days (5 people in a 2 bedroom box) and they were running around fighting and I kept thinking of H contradicting me etc and the birthday party and I just felt like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.
When H came to get them he said I seemed a bit on edge and I just said nothing. Got their stuff and waved them off, not a word to him.
This is why I think it's time to go dark as I will push him away with that behaviour.
No OW, apologies, change and this? This is the 13th hour of a roundtrip to Chicago. I wasn’t feeling well so instead of brooding at the apartment I came to the office and read an email from my lawyer. It opened with telling me he heard from her lawyer that she raided the bonus. Second was this message with the names removed “He also said that he is concerned that you are going to be angry and confront her. He asked that you not do that, and work through me.” The more I detach, the more I validate her feelings and the more time elapses the worse it gets. What kind of person who stated in the proposed settlement that she wishes an amicable settlement would behave like this? Why does this continually deteriorate? Why the character assassination? I'm really feeling sorry for that woman. I thought of the letter from Michelle about the gift of forgiveness. I didn't reply to W. I'm venting here.
My guess is, she's hurting and hurt people do nasty things. My H was terrible to me for a very long time, even to the point of getting other people to pick up dd because he didn't want to see me, telling the kids nasty stuff about me, writing nasty reports about me, hell - the man even testified against me in court. I lost custody on my 27th birthday and I had to sit next to him in court on my birthday and read out a speech about why I was walking away, that was on my flippin' birthday, so believe me, I UNDERSTAND how frustrated and hurt you are.
The point I am making is, that was only last April (04) and by June he was admitting he was a state and that he missed me. By December we were dating again, so it only took a few months after all that HELL. It was proof to me that no matter how bad things get, there is always, ALWAYS hope.
A friend once said to me: Passionate M means Passionate Break up, i.e, if she still loves you she will be hurting and do whatever she can to hurt you back. If she didn't care, she would just detach successfully because it wouldn't bother her.
Think of a toddler, Tag, if they are feeling ignored they will scream and cry and cause a fuss to GET YOUR ATTENTION. This is her way of continuing a R, abeit negatively, but nonetheless, negative emotion to her is better than NO emotion.
I'll better you anything you like that the detaching you are trying to do is bugging her so she was almost HOPING you would get angry with her.
This is not going to be a quick fix, Tag, stop expecting fast results. This could take you months or even years. If you want to save your R be prepared to really work at it.
Carry on DB'ing. Reward good behaviour from her by being pleasant and nice to her etc, COMPLETELY IGNORE bad behaviour. Then, just like a toddler, she will get to know what works.
Ioavva, My day is aready looking up because I start it with you. I see a little of what you say. There must be some R left or she wouldn't act so hatefully. Maybe this is a great time for DB. I called our former MC who advised do nothing. Like you she said W is expecting a war. Deny her the war. Following your counsel I'm still wearing my new suit and will look fine when I arrive tomorrow. She's refusing to pick me up at the airport so I'll catch a cab. Stay close Ioavva. Maybe we can pull this out yet? What I can't control is how coniving her lawyer is.
Oh hell, IGNORE the lawyer. Can you not see, you are being sucked into her drama? This is exactly what she wants. It seems a bit dramatic to me for the lawyer to suggest talking through her in case you get nasty, when it was her that is the WAW, right?
You can respond briefly and to the point if necessary, but do not get intimidated by the lawyer. Short and sweet factual answers is what you need to give, showing NO emotion.
She'll soon pack in it when she realises she can't get a rise out of you, and it will make any settlements go smoother.
The trouble is, you aren't detaching properly as you are still thinking about her and her drama and what she says and does all the time. Cut off for your own sanity. You're not giving her the chance to miss you, like this.
Build a thick skin, Tag, and IGNORE her as much as you can. That was the only way my court stuff stopped and he showed any interest, because I STOPPED responding.
Perfect, I talked to our MC who said don't reply. I'm not. I'm hoping she packs it in soon but regardless I have no desire to react emotionally. But Iovva, she's hurting. Regardless of what I do I still feel for her. No one will suck me in but I also believe taking a compassionate high road is in concert with detaching. She sees me detach but doesn't see my love. Make sense.
