During the court proceedings, I wore a suit and did not look at him at all. When I was being cross-examined I did not look at him. I simply answered the questions I was asked.
Then I'd go across the road to a cafe and buy a large coffee and some chocolate. The court hearings got me into chocolate in a big way, they fended off a lot of stress. When I got home, I'd shut myself in the bathroom and bawl my head off for half an hour, I'd ring my friend and off-load to her, then I'd get a grip.
If ever I saw him in between hearings, I acted as if it hadn't happened, to start with I was formal and distant, but polite, a little later on I was formal but friendly.
One time I remember he turned up at court unshaven, his hair all over the place and wearing JEANS (to court!!). On the way out, I passed him and whispered at him 'You look like you've been sleeping under a hedge'. He looked at me and said 'I have; I've just been camping and didn't have time to change.' So I guess in some ways there was always a certain level of closeness even in the midst of the court room.
Instead of getting angry about his court room allegations (which I was FURIOUS about), I took the funny moments from the situation, such as the above, and commented on that when I saw him. On the next ocassion we met after that, I told him that he looked like Heathcliffe from Wuthering Heights. He laughed at me.
Eventually, it DID get really nasty as I passed all my psychological evals and was going to get custody so he pulled every trick in the book to prevent me from having them. He did get an OW, purely for court purposes (he wanted to be a 2 parent family to impress the judge). It worked, hence he has custody of 3 of my kids. I was angry, I was hurt, I was afraid, I was disgusted, you name it.
So I told him I was walking out of their lives - including his life - and I did, for a whole year. No phone calls, no texts, no visits, no msn etc. I basically went dead. We had the final trial in that time and I still ignored him. Final trial was 2 days long with barristers etc.
Afterwards I carried on ignoring him. I took back my business and worked on that, I dated (and slept with 4 other men to help ease the pain of OW), I re-decorated my entire house, I started writing a book etc.
It was the loneliest God-awful time in my life and I often cried, but I got through it. Eventually, he came round to me, missing me, crying, etc (see post I left for TAG, running on empty, page 9) and basically confirmed what I knew anyway, that he wasn't in love with OW and he still had feelings for me, so I started seeing him and the kids again, first rather formally, then as we relaxed, as friends only and once we had become friends it only took him about 3 weeks to become my lover. He forgave me for the one-night stands because I forgave him for OW.
When the D papers came, he was already 'mine' again, so to speak, because we slept together again just a couple of days before the D was final, so when I got the papers, although I was a bit upset, they didn't mean anything to me.
He talked about commitment ceremonies for 2 hours on the day we got the papers.
I did try to act happy whenever I saw him (apart from the first year when I didn't know about DB'ing), ocassionally I'd have a bad day but I always tried to be upbeat.
I never saw him as just my friend, always as my lover, even when we were in court. I kept this a private thought so I wouldn't seem too pushy, but I was determined that this man would stay my lover and now he is. I believe positive affirmation had a lot to do with it.
I still have loads of DB'ing to do. We don't live together yet and I won't consider that we are reunited until we do, but I DO consider him to be my partner and he thinks the same as we have both agreed to be exclusive to each other.
I hope this sheds some light, anymore questions, fire away.
