Lillieperl, Thanks so very much for your response and WOW.
Quote: How much does he know about the details of your childhood situation? Personally, I think your husband's comment "I KNOW what you want" was not a statement about performance anxiety. I think he was saying, "You've looked the devil in the face, and what you've seen scares the cr*p out of me! I'm terrified of what you know and what you've done." and Regardless of the fact that what happened wasn't your fault, the thing is you have been exposed repeatedly to a kind of sexuality that is the antithesis of everything in his life. I think this terrifies him. And your assertion that you're "over it" and it doesn't affect your marriage and your current sex life... it's as though you chose a man who would conspire with you to keep Pandora's box (as it were) padlocked.
Wow, this is so profound, I think you've just written what I have been afraid or unwilling or just plain pushed off to the side all along.
My H knows the basics of my childhood. Please know this is NOT something I go around shouting at the top of my lungs, only a few people in my life do know... my husband, pastor, a couple of girl friends and after the birth on my son - while my father was still alive, my mother-in-law due to necessity and clarification. I told my H when things appeared to be getting serious and because, even though I say "I'm past that" I am smart enough to know that we are all walking around with our pasts. I mean that's what forms us all. I cannot honestly tell you how he took the news. When I began telling him he just started crying, grabbed and held me and said I'm never going to let anything happen to you again. Bingo! These are all good things to hear believe me. We have never really "discussed" it again. He fell into the "act" of pretending it didn't happen. He knew my father and my mother prior to hearing this and liked them. I stayed in the home because my mother was crippled and I felt at that that time it was my job to take care of her. As for my Dad, well, we co-existed. I told a therapist once that the weird stuff didn't actually happen until after the sexual abuse stopped - it was like this great big white elephant was sitting on the coffee table and everyone was just looking around it. He was a sick man. I learned later that I was not the only one he was abusing, my cousin(s), and friend of the family - and AT HIS FREAKIN WAKE - I learned of something he said to a young (7 yr old) girl just days before his death that made the hair stand up on my neck. I think God just finally got fed up with him.
When something comes up either in the news or whatnot that brings the subject up or if we discuss my childhood, H doesn't really want to talk about it - he says it hurts him. I understand that. I don't dwell on it, don't get me wrong, but it is a part of me and I do know that it effects how I live and raise my children.
H is VERY understanding about my mothering. I have done a 180 on raising my kids as opposed to how I was raised. And I know this is not always the best thing. But he honors that I don't like closed doors, and things like that. I tend to get involved when I shouldn't when he is discipling the children but I am getting better. I am fortunate to have good, happy kids.
When I say I am okay with my past and am a stronger person I'm not saying I condone it. But I lived through it and feel like I am a good person dispite it. Maybe it gave me more of a consciuosness then I would have had without it. I mean I see people ruining their lives with drugs, prostitution, etc and I could have been one of them but am thankful for each and every "inspiration" to find a good life. I have seen therapists from time to time and read self-help books. And I am "gifted" with an ability to try and understand people now. It helps me not be a victim when I try to look at the cause of the action of him and not so much the action itself. Does that make sense?
My brother and H say I will "why" ya to death. And my H says that I give too many people the benefit of doubt when actually, I'm not giving them the benefit of doubt but just trying to understand the reasoning of what they did.
I think I did find someone to help me keep pandora's box closed so to speak but, well it's hard to explain. Look at the basics. I love him because he represents the complete opposite of everything I knew of the male role model when I was growing up. It's not like I knew that when I first met him though either. I never believed in love at first site (love at all for that matter) but when I met H I am not saying I knew I would marry him, but I knew he'd be my friend for life. Make sense? And he says the same thing about me. It was like God said you 2 will complete each other (not that I know what God says mind you).
You may have hit the nail right on the head when you said their could be his sexual response to knowing the facts of my childhood. It made perfect sense when you said it. So, if that is the case, where do I go from here? I mean I am fasinated by lesbians but have never tried to lifestyle myself. The sight of the female body turns me on but the feel of a man's in what I crave. And as I said in an earlier post, I tend to think of LM as a "conquerer". I realize how this must sounds, you guys probably think I'm a wak-job.
I want to thank everyone for very good advise and for hearing/reading/helping me. Last night's sexual encounter bombed due to sick/throwing up D (mood killer to say the least) maybe it isn't "time" though for me to get going with this, maybe I need to dig deeper inside me to help US with this.
