Quote: As for if I think it plays into my sexuality, yes. I'm not sure if anyone would understand that if they hadn't been through it though.
Does any of that make sense? Sorry to go off on that, I know, this is about my marriage, not childhood - I'll get off the couch now!
and
Quote: And I'm okay with my past, it's made me a stronger person
The childhood you described is beyond horrendous... have you had professional help in dealing with it?
How much does he know about the details of your childhood situation? Personally, I think your husband's comment "I KNOW what you want" was not a statement about performance anxiety. I think he was saying, "You've looked the devil in the face, and what you've seen scares the cr*p out of me! I'm terrified of what you know and what you've done."
The huge contrast between your painful and troubled past (with violent and degrading sex) and his "clean, well-lighted room" with a devoted mom and bland sexuality is stunning...
Regardless of the fact that what happened wasn't your fault, the thing is you have been exposed repeatedly to a kind of sexuality that is the antithesis of everything in his life. I think this terrifies him. And your assertion that you're "over it" and it doesn't affect your marriage and your current sex life... it's as though you chose a man who would conspire with you to keep Pandora's box (as it were) padlocked.
And you nursed your dad in his final illness and pretended you were the good daughter? Yikes! What self-control you must have. Inside you must be screaming for some kind of release... for someone to see you, understand you, soothe you, comfort you, and just love you...
My bf is also very reticent about sex and I believe he does not masturbate. He is also an only child and (I believe) in thrall to his mom (who raised him as a single parent). He is something of a prude and doesn't even like sexy jokes. So I do understand a bit what it is like to be with a guy like that. I have been unsuccessful in getting him to loosen up. The suggestions that others have made in this thread would probably "work" on any other guy... but not on him. Once I tried to get in the shower with him, and he all but threw me out of the room bodily. I had the very clear sense that I was "violating" him in some way.
