I've heard about this website from a dear sweet friend - and thanks for that you guys seem very sincere and helpful. My sitch: Me 38 (ouch), H 43 S 5, D 1.5 We've been married for 7 years and dated 3 prior to that. I love this man with all my heart. His mother more or less lives with us as we have built her a home 30-ft from ours that is connected. I have been married before, not necessarily making bad judgments, just got married to be married because I thought I was supposed to. I came from a VERY disfunctional home by all standards and was desparately seeking to have that perfect family. Couple of marriages and learning lessons later..... Married to a great man - he was almost quite literally raised in Mayberry so to say we come from different backgrounds - YES! He's a good man, so if I go into a rant here, please know I do know this fact. And now the reason for my discontent:
Okay, sex-starved yes and no. I love sex, and would love a more passionate LM with my husband. He, however granny kisses me and talks about housechores or such as foreplay (yes guys I understand why he does this but stilllllll). So I find myself putting off sex because well, it's boring. To strain it even further our kids sleep in the same bed with us - my Christmas present a couple of years back was a KS bed. My son has a medical condition so for right now this is the situation we are most comfortable with. So sex is scheduled around nap and bed times. Our relationship, my POV, needs much work.
He says I'm "no maintenance" (and that's the way he treats me) I try and correct him with I'm "low maintenance" but right now I am feel like I'm ranking quite high! I was a stay-at-home mom who recently went back to work and we are working different shifts to keep kids out of day care. Therefore I see H on weekends only but he calls (alot) during the day. I wish he'd give me a chance just to miss him. I know that last sentence just contradicted the maintenance issue - but I am looking for romance, not a call about whether or not he feels good today.
I have tried in the past to talk with him about desires, etc., and his only comment was that "yes I KNOW what you want" sounding like I am asking for something dirty or something. Don't get me wrong, sweet sex is great but there comes a time when you want to light up the sky and right now I'm stuck there wanting that.
We are still working out the transition to the new day routine with me working so I understand alot of our problems are stemming from that. I feel like he lets his mother carry his parenthood load (he's an only child and that is the relationship they have - that's a whole other matter) But we are stuck needing to work on our relationship and he says he's perfectly happy where we are but how can he be when I'm grasping at straws. I would never leave him but find myself daydreaming forbidden love, if you know what I mean.
How do I/we move from this point. I am trying to put on a game face and act like the perfect doding wife showering him with affection hoping he will too but not real confident in this direction.
You aren't alone, as you will undoubtedly see on here. After reading your post you do seem like you are in a difficult position...it's never easy having the in-laws living that close by and having children sleeping with you can complicate the situation as well, but as you will see there are others on here as well who do that too.
Could you clarify some of the approaches you've taken to try to get your H to understand your needs? Also, try to go into some detail on how your H approaches sex w/you. What's his idea of a sexually fullfilling R? Does he ever fulfill his needs in other ways? i.e. porn, MB'ing?
Do you think he views you as a mother and not a W?
Thanks so much for the questions - okay, we're moving here! H approach to sex is scheduling it. He'll say are we going to have together time when.... and then at the appointed time he'll strip down, I'll begin a BJ to get the ball rolling he'll pull me up, slap on a condom and 5 minutes later we're getting dressed. It's depressing to write. If he tries to prolong it he'll talk about daily stuff and actually stop ML (I understand why but it really kills the mood!) He's very nice in that he will tell me how sexy I am and how I get him excited visually, etc - but unless I'm "ready" when we start - to be honest I am more than happy just getting it over with - there's just no passion there. I don't know, maybe it's my fault. I bought a Cosmo this week to try and get ideas on how to spice it up - Now THAT's something for ya ;-) In the meantime I am horny for anything that moves except my husband. I know how bad that sounds, and I don't plan on cheating on him, but right now my imagination and MB is the best sex I've had lately.
And Noooooo, H does not MB, he gets offended when I talk about it because I get the impression he thinks it's dirty. We have done porn but to be honest I suspect it's just for my benefit. We haven't done that for, well, 5 yrs since we've had kids. Sweet sex was good when we dated, etc., but now it's just not doing it for me. But I really don't want to deflate his ego. Anytime I try and talk with him, ie. suggest counseling or just wants/desires he just says he's perfectly happy.
As for if he thinks of me as a M and instead of a W, I think his views of sex is just different than mine. Like I said, he practiced the same routine when we dated also, but back then it was sweet. Make sense?
I used to try to talk with him about it but those conversations didn't go well. Maybe I need pointers on who to talk with him. He would shut me down pretty quickly.
HappyMomo, So sorry for your pain, but you came to the right place. The members of this board have much wisdom to share.
Quote: I came from a VERY disfunctional home by all standards and was desparately seeking to have that perfect family.
Do you feel the disparity between your upbringing and your spouses? Does this come into play when you are relating sexually?
Quote: He says I'm "no maintenance" (and that's the way he treats me)
Does your husband enjoy a no maintenance wife?
Just a couple of thoughts to get things going.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
cinemanymph, Hi: Thanks so much for responding! I'm not sure if I understand what you mean by disparity between upbringing & spouses. I do, as I guess we all do, try to learn from the past and do things differently when needed from when we were brought up. I have come to terms with my childhood, shook hands with the devil so to speak. My father sexually abused me from before I can remember up to the point I finally decided he would have to kill me to keep it up - at which point he tried to do just that. Before that day if I resisted he would just hurt me worse in the process. But that day, I well into teenage years he tried to choke me to death when I refused. I blacked out just as I saw my mom coming to my rescue. My mother was physically handicapped and knew of the abuse and chose to ignore it - I understand her reasons. I was told to never discuss any of it with anyone, including them and I didn't for several years. My father was physically abusive to me, my mom and my poor brother- he suffered the most. And now I am quite confident where my deceased father is and comfortable with that thought. I took care of him well into his senior years and "played" the good daughter but never really forgave him. When my mother died she was in the process of finally moving out and moving in with me and my family due to fear. That experience was so extreme that it's quite easy for me to separate it from my life. I had no choices about my life then, but now I do.
As for if I think it plays into my sexuality, yes. I'm not sure if anyone would understand that if they hadn't been through it though.
Does any of that make sense? Sorry to go off on that, I know, this is about my marriage, not childhood - I'll get off the couch now! ;-)
And perhaps your H is too 'nice' and soft with his sexual approach, due to your past history. It is certainly understandable that he'd never want to do anything to imitate your father in any way and bring you back to that terrible place.
What things do you do to create the type of sexual atmosphere that you are craving? Can you give us an example?
To create a sexual atmosphere. Well if it's after the kids are in bed for the night I put on a sexy nightie, light some candles. So how do I guide him into a more "okay quit playing it safe" ML? there actually is a good article in Cosmo about this type of thing I just didn't get to finish reading it yet - kids and all.
My HD partner in MB is anyone from faceless stranger to ex-. For the most part when I dated I think I used to be a "conquerer" you know, I'd have sex with someone and then loose interest. Maybe that's part of my problem now.
And I'm okay with my past, it's made me a stronger person - I think I can handle just about anything with the exception of someone mistreating my children - that I feel VERY strongly about.
Kudos to you for having the fortitude to fight back and put your past to rest.
Quote: As for if I think it plays into my sexuality, yes. I'm not sure if anyone would understand that if they hadn't been through it though.
You are right on the money with my take on disparities.
Has your H told you that he had/has the ideal family?
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Quote: So how do I guide him into a more "okay quit playing it safe" ML?
Well, that's what I was getting at with my question of What do you do in those situations?
Do you whisper naughty things to him? Do you let him know you like it harder, faster, whatever? Do you cop a feel when he's doing the dishes? Do you flirt with him?
I had to discover the hard way that I wanted my H to be more aggressive but I wanted him to just know that this was what I wanted. I didn't want to have to..gulp..go FIRST and do it to him! Part of it was that he had me up on such a pedestal that I couldn't hardly move. I had to fight with him to let me get OFF that damn thing and get on with the process of living my life with him. Things are much better now. I have to be the person who's least likely to be put on a pedestal but there he was, doing it anyway.
Is this your situation and, if so, are you prepared to blow that outta the water and let him see the real you?
I don't know if H has used that exact term but whenever I mention I'de like to work on "us" he just says he's perfectly happy. He says his only complaint with me is $. And by that he is saying I don't get my receipts to him fast enough and I spend too much at Walmart (however, I think he is living in 2005 with 1985 prices in his head personally, we've gone to Walmart together before and he's always floored at the checkout even when he's put everything in the cart). He always comments on what a good mom I am. To me and to others.
I think he's just programmed to be content - you know, with his upbringing. Nothing is "wrong" with us so he doesn't see any need to work on it. So how do I get across I need some romance to feel like getting back in the bedroom to even begin working on getting the passion back there. Boy do I need help huh!
