I really need some advice. To give you a quick background brief, my H and I split up last May 04. He instigated the split saying he was unhappy/ felt trapped etc/ We started to get back together but it was only part time. I.e my H would sleep 3/4 nights a week, come round every day etc etc. But would not commit back 100%. Then in Jan this year when I thought things were going ok I found out about OW. I found his phone bill and he was calling /texting her up to 30 times a day. We discussed it and he told me he had made a friend but thats all it was, nothing physical had happened she was just someone who he liked and could talk to easily. I told him that as we were part time back together that I would not accept this, and that if we were to work then he had to finish it with her. So he did, or I thought!!! Things then went down hill over next few weeks, my H grew more distance, stopped wanting to sleep over etc. We had a weekend in amsterdam booked which we very nearly decided not to go on. My H suddenly discovered an obsession with my past and kept wanting to ask me questions about my previous relationships before I met him. But really personal in depth questions I still do not understand why? We went to Amsterdam and had a fantastic weekend. We talked and talked and decided that we both still wanted to make a go of things. He asked me to give him a week or so after coming back to think things over then he would move back. All fine until I find out yesterday that he is still in contact with the OW. ok, he has not been contacting her but she has been ringing him on a regular basis. I asked him about it and he admitted it, he said he enjoyed talking to her as he got on well with her and he felt she gave him an unbiased opinion on our situation. After talking we agreed that H will move back home at the weekend to try again on our marriage, but we have given ourselves 2 months to seehow things go. My H has this internal fear that if he comes back he has to comit for life, but with us saying 2 months he feels happier with this as I suppose he knows he has a get out clause if things do not work.
So I have 2 questions: 1 - what do I do when he moves back at the weekend? how should I be? I just want things to work?
2 - what about the OW? yes I want to tell him to stop contact with her but I know its not the right things to do. I do think she is puting doubts in my H's mind, but then again if he wanted her would he not have left by now..
I am really confused, do not want to mess this up.
please would someone give me some advice if they get a moment. I am really confused. I have been receiving advice from friends and other sites I post on and its all really confusing. They are all telling me that I do not stand a chance until the OW is out of the picture completely and that I am just kidding myself its going to work if my H comes home and he is still in contact with her. Yes, I kind of agree but I just do not think its should be me that pressurises him into this decision - that will just make him run to her even more. The decision to end their friendship must come from him surely?
I am still on the outside of my Sitch. looking in but I will give you my thoughts and how I would approach what is going on for you.
If you have been "DBing" and your husband has seen the changes in you and decided to come home that is very good.
You need to keep on DBing, keep doind the things that have made him decide to "try"... the first bit of time that he comes back home is going to test both of you he will be looking to see if you are "REALLY" changed and you will still be feeling tons of insecurity.
Remember NO EXPECTATIONS - otherwise you will set yourself up for hurt and dissapointment.
Take each day, each moment as it comes and make the best of it.
You need to make yourself more attractive to him then the OW - no pressure, no R. Talks no Temp Checks, just listen to him and validate.
You are right the choice MUST come from him... pressure will push him away.
Here's my advice. Do not, I repeat, do not ask advice of family or friends. "Running it up the flagpole" isn't going to help. Your best bet? Look up the Rejoice Ministeries site, talk to a professional or your church pastor/priest.
RokTop made some valid points. Oh, put your emotions away, they will only get in the way of dbing.
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Do you want your marriage to work? Yes, I assume. So, act as if there is no other woman! If he is moving back, take that as a big step forward. Do not push him away by focusing on the OW. Focus on yourself. Be attractive, not needy. Go out of your way to be the YOU that he once found so attractive....remember her? She wasn't mistrusting and she wasn't clingy and she wasn't a nag. Right? So, be the YOU that is attractive to him. Forget the OW and focus on making him forget her, too...by being a wonderful, sexy, YOU!
Any of our advice should always be weighed with the question: "Are what they suggesting going to help me with MY R?" Remember, you are unique personalities and have your own unique interactions. So, remember:
#1 - WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO DO OR SAY (OR DON'T DO OR SAY) YOU WANT IT TO MOVE YOU TOWARD YOUR GOALS!!!
#2 - STOP DOING ANYTHING ASAP THAT IS NOT WORKING WITH YOUR H. (No matter how good you think the advice is, OK? If it's not working for you, then there is no value in doing it, right?)
#3 - KEEP DOING WHAT IS WORKING.
As Roktop has implied, you must be doing some very "right" things that your H is moving back - good for you - keep doing it!!!
I also agree to keep the OW out of your thoughts and discussions with him as much as possible. (Why "invite" her into your valuable time you have with your H by bringing her up? Make that positive couple time with just the two of you!)
And as Alaska suggests, use your time with him to be fun, attractive, sexy, etc,. Then, balance that with PMA and having your healthy balance of your own life. That also looks very attractive, plus you'll feel better that you're not needy!
People like to refer to Michele and her coaches as the experts. But I am here to remind you (and Michele would too) that you are the ultimate expert re: your own R. You are able to think a few steps ahead of any behavior you may try and know better than anyone if that behavior will help or hurt your R. So my advice? Continue to reflect on what you are doing and watch to see if it is taking your R where you want it to go, OK?
You have much support here! And Alaska, Rokop, and Pattie, thanks for what you offer here,
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
