Quote: Let's see, Nop, why exactly do I escalate? Do you think that maybe B pushes all the right buttons to see if Miss Patient can blow? Then the focus will be on the issue that she blew and not the R issues that we have.
Buttons pushed or no, keeping your hands to yourself when angry is always the best goal.
Can spouses intentionally provoke each other? Absolutely. But you can always choose to walk away.
If you want provokation, have yourself a teenager or two.
This is one of those cases where it's okay for others to point out that there may have been "buttons pushed" but it smacks of justification and side-stepping of personal responsibility for the hitter to point it out themselves. kwim?
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Yes, I have hit B...I was very angry with him. It was no excuse for that behavior. That is not me. I have decided that I will not get into any conversation with him again that escalates me to that point. I did that sometime ago. I just leave the room.
Good. I would assume we all have thoughts of hari-kari on occasion, but it's a case of choosing to do the right thing. Even if the motivation isn't the best. I, once in a fit of pique, considered tossing a jar of jam at the white kitchen wall after a NOP/MrsNOP verbal altercation. Part of my reason for not doing so was the thought of me scrubbing strawberry jam off the wall and out of the carpet. Not exactly a "holy" motivation...
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Would B describe my behavior in December as a screaming fit tirade? It is unclear. Sounds like it. I'd like clarification as to what is losing the temper vs. the other.
Whichever it was, it was enough to derail the attempt toward recovery. Stress can overtake us all. And we all probably need to whine on occasion. I would strongly suggest that you rethink how you express your stress. Sounds like Barney is sensitive to rising voices and an extra load of emotion. I can get stressed and come to NOP and spill a while, as can he with me, but we don't think we can start pitching a tantrum because life has just whacked us again.
Think about it. If it your reactions to stress in front of your family aren't what you would do if a non-family member was there, then you need to re-tool your expressions. You've probably picked up a habit of responding poorly to stress. Habits can be broken. It helps if they are replaced with something that is more acceptable.
Home is where we get to let our hair down, but we ought to make sure that we're not treating and responding to our family in considerably less considerate ways than we would our neighbors.
