Quote: Should I have left B when I discovered that he not only was having an internet affair he was calling women on the phone and talking to them for hours?
Okay, this really does explain a few things. NOP and I have both been wondering why your & Barney's interactions were so off-kilter. There are some prominent things that show up in relationships where a third party has entered in. Here are some things that red-flag:
The rewriting of marital history. One of the first things that happens when an ongoing (as opposed to a one-night stand) emotional or physical affair has occurred is the extrapolating backward negative judgement of the spouse. It is expressed as:
I never loved you. I love you but I'm not in love with you. We were never meant to be. I've never been happy with you. You've never treated me the way I deserve to be treated. Our marriage has always sucked. Our sexlife has always sucked.
While all of these things can certainly be true, in the case of rewritten history the betrayed spouse knows, remembers and/or has mementos of the wayward spouse's past acknowledgement of the love, good times, good sex, etc.
Difficulty in seeing and acknowledging the improvements and/or efforts being made by the betrayed spouse.
A deeper emotional detachment that cannot seem to be bridged by the betrayed spouse.
An ongoing refusal to have sex with betrayed spouse - doing so is often seen as being "unfaithful" to the other person.
A resistance to working on the marriage relationship.
There's more, but you can get the gist.
NOP and I had a long-term ssm as well as a relationship that was starved in several ways. We both had several years of hurt, anger & resentment to work through. We started working toward each other (I can't really call it actively starting to work on the problem at that time) several years ago. We moved closer, failed, tried again, moved closer, blew up, vented, cried, cussed, depressed, consider giving up, worried about being permanently damaged or scarred, poured out our hearts to each other, stomped off, threw food (okay, just me on this one), wanted desperately to run away, wanted some peace and calm, plodded on, sometimes strong and confident, sometimes weak and fearful, moved closer, tripped up, failed, picked up and tried again.
We both made efforts to accept each other's efforts, sexually & relationally. There was never a sense that one or the other of us had to grovel. Apologize, yes. Repent, yes. Empathize, yes. But there was no push to prove that one of us was more guilty than the other, nor was there a sense that one of us was sitting in the catbird's seat watching and waiting for the other to make all the amends before we would engage. I guess what I am trying to convey is that we were *both* fumbling toward each other.
I've had this sense of a real imbalance in your & Barney's interaction. I know that failed promises impact willingness to try again. And anger, either simmering or exploding impedes progress.
NOP never refused my initiations for sex except for a handful of times when we had had a bad day together with some unresolved issues/emotions. This was during the time when I was showing up for duty sex in the hopes that things would eventually get better for both of us. So, it's not like I was blowing his socks off sexually. But there was patience from him for my meager attempts.
In pondering why you were being turned down when attempting to intiate, the only reasons I could come up with were:
He no longer loves her. He's trying to "teach her a lesson". He would prefer to hold on to his resentment. He's no longer horny. There's someone else.
Continuing to make love to someone, keeping silent while believing that it is a mercy f*ck - and telling that to your partner *afterward* is a possible indication of: An offbalance sense of one's own entitlement. A lack of integrity. A lack of love. A desire to hurt & degrade. There's someone else to whom you are being compared.
None of these may be accurate. It may be that Barney has been so affected by the past that he cannot get over it without you making sacrifices and eating hurts that you may find impossible to do long-term.
