Hi Nice and Barney,and everyone else - What an amazingly riveting thread, so many issues surfacing, so many opportunities for everyone to reflect on.

One thought that struck me, Nice, is the speed at which things are expected to move. Seems like the 'problem' has been 17 years in the making, perhaps it needs 17 months to recover? And just maybe, there are 170 little things to put right? You are both is such a great spot, neither of you wants out. So, no deadline, right? Often, we need a few days or weeks to settle with a change we have made. In this case, time can be your best friend. Nice started posting on Feb 8th, a mere 9 days ago So much discussion, but has there really been enough time to sit with these thoughts, feel through them?

The way I see it, sex has become the icon of the 'problem' when in actual fact Barney is saying he is looking for the quality of relationship, and that the rest will follow. Barney, please correct me if I'm wrong . Nice, I am finding it easier to relate to your perspective as I was/am there myself And from what I can see, Nice is lucky, lucky, as Barney has spelt out very clearly what he would appreciate:

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#1 - Lose the temper. THAT is the ultimate dealbreaker you asked someone about earlier.

I am a reasonable man. You gain nothing by yelling or letting yourself become "overwhelmed". And you risk everything. Make the decision (and develop a plan) to address whatever is bothering you early enough so that you don't blow up, for both our sakes.

If I've done something to add to your stress, tell me and I'll change it. If I haven't, then take it out on whomever did instead of me.

#2 - Be happy. You often tell me that other than with me, you're a happy person. Try it with me. I can always tell when you're "putting on" being happy. I'd like to experience the real thing consistantly. It would make coming home something to look forward to.

I am absolutely aware that you aren't happy with me and that I've made your life much less enjoyable than you expected it to be. You've let me know that you're much happier on the occasions that I've traveled a few days without the family.

I may never be what you wanted your H to be, but surely some part of your life isn't crap. I have no idea what made you think you once wanted to marry me, as the only thing you told me then was that I was tall. Well, I'm as tall now as I was then. Maybe you could at least be glad about that.

You're a terrific homemaker. I can trust you with our money, you are a great cook, you've made a lovely home for us, and you're SuperMom. I appreciate what you do. Often, however, you communicate that those things are a burden to you rather than a joy. I'd rather you do less and stay happy than the reverse. I'm speaking more about an overall attitude than a specific "say or do list".




Seems like Barney is looking for sustainable change. The type that takes a few days to ponder on, and once a habit or bahaviour is altered, it is forever. Take for example the feeling sometimes of being overwhelmed.
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I usually get overwhelmed when I have several time dated deadlines in front of me. An example would be having to leave on a trip, get the kids organized before I leave, making sure everything is done at work before I leave..cause I have to catch a plane at a particular time. Not that it happens often but that is a scenario that happens a few times a year.

Oh yes, I think many of us have been there. And it wasn't till I decided that I will NOT put myself in that situation again, did I start making real, sustainable changes. First, I made sure there were 2 hours of 'doing nothing' every day. Trust me, it was scary - what a waste of my life, what about all the other things/people BUT, after 4 years, today I find myself automatically filtering out obligations, wants, desires, chores that will simply put me in the overwhelmed category. This is such a huge thing, for your own sanity, Nice. What if you were to focus on just this one aspect for a week, and see how things go.

Just my tuppence Slowly (deliberate signature, so I have a constant reminder to slow down )

A Liberal Allowance of Time