Mrs.NOP wrote: NG has asked some questions regarding the tone of your days. Perhaps having goals similar to our dear HP's would address the sense you feel pervades your relationship. So, do you think you can come up with some input? ----------------
Sure. It would be my pleasure.
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NG asked: Do you think that I have improved at all in that regard? Has the frequency of losing my temper gotten less?
Do you ever lose you temper? Do you ever lose your patience with me or the kids and speak to us in an unkind manner? If you do, do you acknowledge that you did and apologize? -------------
You have clearly improved in not letting your temper get out of control. You've only lost it a few times in the last few months.
I sometimes lose my patience with you and the kids. I try to apologize whenever I realize it. An example is when we were coming back from skiing the day after you called me a liar in front of the kids. I was still upset about it and spoke sharply to you. You called me on it and I apologized. -------------
NG asked: Barney, when did I say I was happier when you were gone and not at home? I cannot imagine saying such a thing. If I did, I sure don't remember saying it... ------------------
During one of your blow-ups. I had been gone somewhere the week before. You told me how that wasn't who you really are, that you're normally a happy person and that you and the kids had a peaceful week without me. You commented that it was great. --------------
NG asked: People on this thread see the picture of my outbursts as bi-polar, manic depressive etc. Do you feel like I am that extreme? -----------------------
I did at one time. You've shown in the last few months that it's not outside of your control. ---------------
NG said: So when I am looking at the overall attitude that you spoke about I don't personally think it is as bad as you do. That is my opinion. I think I am measuring up to what you said.
Please help me...what specifically am I doing wrong? ----------
Perhaps you should re-read the two points I wrote. #1 was, Lose the Temper. I didn't accuse of you losing it every day. I didn't take time to say how much better it is now than it used to be. I simply said that losing it is the ultimate deal-breaker.
I meant exactly what I said in both. I need to know that you're not going to lose it on me again. If you can choose not to lose it but once a month, then you can choose to not lose it at all.
Whether you think it fair or not, I brace for you losing it every time your voice rises. I do so because I can't risk it happening and not being prepared for it. --------------
NG wrote: WHen you say generally I am not happy...I don't see it as such. -----------------
You have made some improvements here as well as with your temper. I appreciate it!
This goes back to the beginning of our R, unfortunately. When I approached you in an unwelcome manner sexually, you began developing an "air of displeasure" regarding me. I came to think it was to provide incentive for me to change, but I don't know what you meant to convey by it. I brought it up many times in connection with your criticism of me.
I don't need to hear from you that I'm doing well, how I look, etc. I would prefer not to. It's more about your general demeanor than words. It's definitely non-verbal communication. ---------------
NG asked: But specifically what am I doing each day or every other day or every three days that is hurting our R? -------------------
You don't touch me. You don't fix up for me. You don't flirt with me. From my POV, there's very little femininity or sensuality in our M, and hasn't been for a long time. Most of what I think is fun has been declared off limits. For me, those are things that create a happy atmosphere in the home and show me that my W is happy.
I would feel very much like your father who provides for you a comfortable life and home, except that you like him a whole lot more. So, I can't be myself and can't be whoever it is you want me to be. That communicates displeasure pretty clearly. ------------------
NG wrote: Sometimes, to my knowledge, I have just said in a normal tone of voice that I was overwhelmed. When I have, you took it personally that I was blaming you for it. ------------------
Tone of voice isn't the only factor in communicating. When you keep your voice calm but begin a litany of all the things you have to do, including the ones you seem to be taking personally because they involve me and the kids, I've sometimes gotten upset. Everybody's busy. I'm not willing to take the blame for your schedule when I'm offering to help you.
As I've told you before, if you'd tell me, "This has nothing to do with you, but I'm swamped. Could you do XYZ for me?", you'd get results every time. Maybe hearing it from HP is easier than from me.
Those are all the questions/issues I could find from your previous posts. Please forgive me if I've overlooked any.
