Nice, I've been thinking a lot about your situation. My husband has a hard time expressing his wants to me, in a way that I can understand it. He tends to get tongue tied or flustered. I never really have been able to deduce--from his own words--what they are, but I pay close attention to what works with him and what doesn't, and have a pretty good idea of what they are anyway.
What he has told me is this: He wants me to be happy.
That's it!
Can you imagine such a simple request? I can't! My own list is, ahem, quite a bit longer than that. Since I am by nature a cheerful person, this is not too terribly difficult for me, but there are days when it's hard. I am at home 24/7 with small children. I rarely get a break from them and, boy, does that wear me down on those days.
Here is what I was able to figure out with my h: He likes me to be smiling when he walks in the door. IOW, he wants me to be HAPPY to see HIM. He waits all day to see me, races home, and then to be met with a scowling or irritable wife just sucks the life out of him. It does not matter if the irritation is not due to him, or directed at him. He feels it. He feels, rationally or no, that it is a failure on his part, somehow.
He wants affection from me when he arrives. A hug and a kiss. Warmth. Eye contact. IOW, the same things that my kids want when they've been gone from me all day. (which is rare. Have I mentioned that, lol)
He wants my appreciation and validation of him as a provider, a husband, a father, a handyman, a MAN. I've been doing an experiment for about 2 months now in which I really crank up the WOA with him. It is working! I almost wish Barney wasn't reading this, so that you could give it a whirl too. My H recoils at WOA, so I knew it wasn't technically his love language, but it is something that he craves nonetheless. He wants to know that I appreciate him, that I value him and think he's good at life. I do this by giving compliments...you know the ones..where you are thinking something nice but for whatever reason you don't actually say it out loud? Well I now say it out loud. It makes him uncomfortable but so what. I want him to know that I think he's the cat's meow! Mostly I do it in nonverbal ways though. I smile at him, laugh at his jokes, AFFIRM him whenever I can. I pat his back as he's doing the dishes. I send him sweet emails during the day. I flirt with him. I ask him about his day. If he's playing Sullen Teenager and says "It was fine", I then say "what did you have for lunch?" LOL, I really do! I know it is completely inane, but I keep at him until we have a dialogue going on about his day. IOW, I show interest in him as a person and not solely as an entity of our family. I thank him for changing diapers, even though he's technically obligated to do that.
All of these things have had the effect that he WANTS to be here. He feels good around me. He wants to do more and more for me. He runs baths for me at the end of the night, that sort of thing. Last night, he jumped up from dinner because I mentioned that I meant to pour myself a glass of wine. He did it and brought it to me and toasted me.
Affirming him has really worked well.
What is your home atmosphere like? When Barn gets home, are you happy to see him? Do you ask about his day? Do you make eye contact and smile or flirt? Is it harriedness and rushing here and there and snappishness? I only ask that because I am thinking of my SIL..not because of anything you've actually written, btw.
Barney has written that he wants to feel respected. I think we can boil that down to: he wants a wife who is happy and affirms him.
I know what I wrote above sounds very 1950's housewife, but that makes it no less true. Anyone who has been gone from loved ones wants to feel welcomed upon their return. They want the feeling of being missed and that their spouse is happy to see them.
Some days it is a massive struggle for me to put on a happy face when H comes home. Sometimes I just can't do it and I will meet him at the door, defeated, and say "I'm having a hard day. It's not you, but I'm just really crabby." I am not attacking him..I'm not yelling at him, I'm just plain old Honey having a bad day. He jumps into action, trying to help me. Other times I am mad as a wet hen and excessively p*ssy and he escalates right along with me..soaking up and leaking out my bad mood, right back at me.
One thing I've started doing is emailing him if things are difficult. That way, he knows what to expect. I never blame him, I just flat out say what is buggin me. "D2 drew all over herself and the carpet with a black marker and I've spent way too much time with Resolve today. I don't feel like making supper and I want to read my new magazine, alone, as soon as you get home today." (btw, that is an actual incident from last week) He did as I asked--because I really believe that most men just want to make their wives happy. They want to know: What are her expectations and what is the time frame, so I can pull it off without a hitch.
Can you start communicating more effectively with Barney to let him know when you are having a bad day? That means, CHECK YOUR ANGER at the door when you're telling him about it. He's not the source and he's on your side. Give him the option of being your teammate against the world, instead of one more thing that you're irritated with. Kwim?
Also, I've mentioned this before, what can you do to alleviate or eliminate some of the stress in your daily routine?
