Quote: Thankfully he agreed to scheduled sex in December. He agreed at the time that things were better and on track. Then the incident and then we are back here again.
Then he said that he didn't enjoy the sex because we didn't connect. It wasn't were I want to be, but I absolutely had a great time. We laughed, kissed wonderfully, tried a new position, played a romance game...wow! His kisses were awesome. I did so because I wanted to show him that I want to try, I want him to feel wanted...because that is the truth. He is the only man I want...and my God..is he ever wantable!!!!
Perhaps this time it will be a bit different by going forward with the recognition that there's 17 years of rejection and another 7 years of resentment & anger and that sexual/emotional nirvana is not going to be reached in one lovemaking session.
You don't get into bed with each other with that kind of history and easily get a connection. Frankly, I think initially the best you can hope for is a spouse that is willing to be there with you. And I mean in a fuller sense than just showing up physically. It sounds like that's what you did.
I'm guessing that as the two of you heal your daily interactions with each other while continuing to ML, that the emotional connection during sex will grow.
Assessing the quality of the sexual connection is going to be an exercise in futility, Barney. You're hauling a boat-load of resentment & frustration probably with a dash of "HD women swallow" into the bed with you and NG. That's a recipe for dissatisfaction.
Doesn't mean that the two of you can't work toward improving some aspects of your LM, but you can't let the idea of sexual gourmet meals make you unhappy with basic meat & potatoes sex.
Quote: He has not talked with me about any of this. But his last position was that he did not want to have sex with me. I"ve approached him when he has said that before...even dressed in some black outfit trying to seduce him and he's turned me down. I've been rejected by him in so many other ways...this too...I can't keep going to the door and knocking...then his usual comment is now I know the feeling.
Barney will have to examine his heart and determine what is motivating him to refuse sex with you. He may be p*ssed at the past, he may be p*ssed off at your temper, he may be p*ssed at you for not following through on earlier attempts to get on board.
He may be operating under the belief that you haven't paid enough for his pain. On the other hand, he may actually be approaching your relationship in a low-drive sort of way. LDs are often affected sexually by the status of the relationship. Perhaps Barney isn't interested in ML because the relationship is impacting his sex drive. He needs to answer that.
Quote: I am willing to "just do it". Because I love him. Because I am commited to him. I am willing to come up with a plan. I think about during it the man I love and know him to be...I absolutely block out the words that have been spoken to me that are still unresolved...I do so endeavoring to try and mend hurt between us.
The reality is that at some point Barney needs to answer for what he has said to you.
Rejection is damaging. So are mean words. The rejection in the past was from ignorance. What's is going on today isn't from a place of ignorance.
Quote:
I agree that the biggest love buster was the rejection of sex that I gave to B. I didn't know what I was doing. It is the biggest regret of my life.
Talking about this R on this board...again, here..over and over...it stirs it up and his anger toward the situation comes out.
I'm just willing to forget it. The problem is that I do smile and I can be courteous and love him truly...but I am not being honest. So how is there intimacy without honesty? But my honesty causes him to withdraw.
It's a matter of timing, NG.
Barney has got to judge you less harshly. He has to be quicker to forgive. You've got to be a woman of your word, expressing yourself through your actions. It would be great if you would both both "bow the knee" at the same time.
If Barney refuses to get on board and work on this recovery, then you must do the right thing whether or not he chooses to do so.
You're going to have to continue to put your hurt to the side. You are going to have to share your hurts with a trusted female friend or advisor, I would no longer share them with Barney. You're going to have to watch your tongue and your temper. I would pray constantly "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptible in thy sight, Oh Lord, my strength and my redeemer." If he won't get on with the process, I suggest that you make a pact with yourself that you will approach him for sex at least once a week. When/if he rejects you, just rinse and repeat.
When NOP and I worked through this, I knew that he was holding back, judgement-wise. As I've said before, every time I failed to follow through it would set us back some. But not for weeks. After our various blowups, we would fallback, regroup and come at it again in just a matter of hours, sometimes a couple of days. You can't get mad at each other for weeks/months. And NOP was working on his own contributions to our problems. We didn't get it right the first time. Or the second time, etc. If we had stopped during one of those failures, we would still be in the busted-a$$ marriage we used to have, just with a few more years of anger/resentment/bitterness.
It could be a case of miscommunication, but I don't get the impression that Barney is working on his current contributions to the relationship, I'm not even sure that he acknowledges that he is making negative contributions. Barney, please correct me if I have misread. It may be that he is (as HP referenced) too ticked off to make any attempt to work on the marriage.
