What happens now?

[ValerieA]

I have been sucking it all up - my feelings, my thoughts, everything. I guess part of the problem is when I go into the bedroom or another part of the house to get something, I find H crying. Then when he sees me, he keeps saying, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I tell him, "I know. I know you are. We'll be ok." I'm trying to comfort him, but I'm not sure if that's the right thing to say.

I know I'm not supposed to think about how he may or may not be feeling or thinking, but I have a sense that H feels he deserves to be told to get out. I seriously think he wants me to tell him to leave or that I hate him for what he's done, so get out. In fact, if I remember correctly, in a past R talk, H said, "I wish you would tell me to get the f**k out. That's what I deserve." I sense that H really wants what he feels he deserves, and he wants me to be the one to give it to him. I think he wants out, but he doesn't want to be the one who chooses for him to leave. Does this make any sense? I think he wants to go, but maybe he's afraid of taking that big step. I know, I'm repeating myself. Sorry.

I can be acting as if, and it doesn't seem to be helping. I've been GAL and detaching a bit, H did notice and decided to stay. Even when he's home, I have gone out with some friends while he stayed with the kids, and this didn't seem to help. I think he felt I was moving on without him too fast, so I haven't gone out in a couple of weeks. Maybe I need to go back to doing things without him because when I stopped this, all his uncertainties about being here came around again. I don't know. Lately I have been feeling like I should just tell him to go. That's not what I really want, but maybe that's what needs to happen.