What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Thanks again, NY. I am listening and appreciate everyone's insight and support, but as Sherry said, it is easy to say but a lot harder to actually do. I am trying my hardest to push aside all these "feelings". I took a massive blow yesterday. I've spent the last 12 years with the love of my life, then only to find out that he never wanted this life.

I made a lot of choices in our life together that I felt were right, but apparently they were only right for me. We were together for 2 1/2 years when I became pregnant with our 1st S. It wasn't the best thing for us - we were only 20 years old then. H said he wasn't ready to be a father and was pushing for an abortion. I did respect his thoughts and feelings, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I had my doubts, too, as far as being a mother at 20, but I just could not do it. Giving it up for adoption was not an option for either one of us. Needless to say, we went through a lot of heartache with this decision and split up. I didn't want to raise my baby alone, but knowing how H felt, I was preparing to do it. . . . .2 weeks later, H showed up at my house (I was still living at home with my parents) and had a convo with my stepdad telling him that he was going to do the right thing. H was going to be there for me and this baby. After talking to them, we talked and got back together.

When our 1st S was about 1 1/2 years old, we were in Tahoe for a night with a mutual friend. We gambled, had fun, then it was time to go. While leaving, we were passing a bunch of those open-all-night wedding chapels. Our friend was pushing for us to get married. I don't think either one of us felt pressured by this. It just seemed like the right thing to do. I wanted it, and I think H wanted it, too. So we got married. Not exactly the wedding of my dreams, but I was marrying my soulmate, and I really think H felt the same way.

About 2 years later, H actually was the one to bring up having another child. He wanted to give our S a sibling. I wanted that, too, so then our 2nd S came along. I never saw H so happy before when he was born. He was the very proud papa.

4 years later, we begin to talk about possibly having one more child. I really wanted a little girl, so we decide to try. Then H's doctor gives him some very bad news, so we stop trying and decide to wait until we are both in much better physical health, but it was too late - I was pregnant with our 3rd S. H wasn't furious, but I knew he wasn't happy at all. I think if I left it solely up to him, he would have chosen an abortion. We both knew I wasn't going to be willing to do that. I decided this would be our last child, so after the baby was born, I had my tubes tied. I never noticed it then, but when I've gone through pictures of the baby's birth, there was not one photo where H was or appeared to be happy. Not even a smile.

So in October when the baby was about a month old, this is when the A began. . . . .and I discover OW at the end of January.

I guess the only right decision I made was in having our 2nd son since that was H's only definite decision. I know that probably sounds bad, but I don't mean it that way. As much as it hurt and as hard as it was to say, I apologized to H for having made all the wrong decisions for him. I told him that I was so sorry for putting so much responsibility on him. I told him this is what I always wanted ever since I was a little girl - to be married, have a family, a house, and to be happy and in love. I am so sorry for doing this to him. For not respecting his feelings and wishes nearly as much as I should have. I guess I was being selfish, but back then I never saw it this way. Who does?

Thanks for listening. I have more to say, but I will do it later. I need to cry before H gets back from the gym.