What happens now?

[soccermom]

How I long to hear ILY!!! Lucky duck!

[BLONDEQT1]

I wish the best for you. I like to see someone happy on this site. It doesnt matter if it is for one second...or a whole day. I hope that you have a great night.

[ValerieA]

Thanks, BlondeQT. I've been following your sitch. I understand what you're going through right now. I was there not too far back myself, having to hear the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" thing. I know just how much that hurts. The majority of us here all know it too well. But just like NY said, pay absolutely no attention to it. It's just what the WAS FEELS at the moment. Hang in there, sweetie. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will get through this. I often have to tell myself that, too.

Well, did I call it or what? H got home tonight as I suspected. I had no expectations when I heard him come through the door. Good thing, too, since he didn't come to me in the same way as last time. The kids ran to him when he got here. They were so happy to see their daddy home! I simply said, "Hey! Daddy surprised us! He's home early! Hi!" H just said "hi" (to me). Yeah, I'm a bit disappointed, but I'll live.

We watched TV for a little bit, and H told me a little about work. He just left to go to the gym for an hour or so. Before he left, H said, "I'm going to the gym. I actually wanted to go play cards tonight, but I figured you'd throw a fit, so forget it." I looked at him and said nicely and calmly, "Could you please stop ASSuming that I'll throw a fit every time you want to go do somethimg by yourself?" H walked away saying, "I'll see you when I get back from the gym."

Yes, the old me used to get upset when H wanted to always go do something when he knew I couldn't go since we didn't have a babysitter. So he would stay home, too, but he would keep saying things like, "Damn, I really wanted to go" or "I wish we had a sitter. I want to go out." He would do it so much that I would finally tell him to just go so he would shut up! I'm almost definitely sure he would do this to get me to let him go by himself. I know. Now I'm ASSuming, but it happened that way too many times. Well, he has done this a few times since I've read DR, and now the new me lets him go without grief. Don't get me wrong. I wish he would stay home with me, but what good will it do if he chooses to act like a baby again? "But, Mommy, I want it! I want it! I want it! WAAAAAAAAAAA!" So, we'll see what happens when he gets back from the gym later. Seeing that he's been gone for a week, I'm hoping he'll stay home and at least try to be happy.

Thanks for listening.

[ValerieA]

Hi all! Another update about last night:

H returned from the gym just after 11pm, and he did stay home. He also didn't pout! We chatted a bit here and there while we watched some of his favorite shows that I recorded for him while he was away then went to bed. Just as I was laying down, H put his arm under me and pulled me close to hold me. After a minute, H said, "I'm sorry." He said it like he was really remorseful about something. I asked, "Sorry for what?", but he didn't answer, so I just left it alone. After about 10 minutes (I was nearly asleep) H turned my head in his direction, said "good night", and gave me a kiss.

Well, I'm just really glad H stayed home last night and didn't give me any grief about it.

Thanks for listening. I hope everyone has a good day, and I hope my H and I do, too.

[ValerieA]

Sounds like H has more self-loathing going on today. He grew a beard while he was away, but shaved it into a goatee this morning. He just left to drop off a co-worker at the airport. Before going, H said, "So what do you think of this goatee?" I said, "It looks good on you." H said, "You didn't like the beard, did you? It made me look old, huh?" I said, "It only matters what you feel and think about it." H said as he was walking out, "You don't want to know what I think. . . .I think someone should take a meat-tenderizer to my face." My god! He seems to go through more mood swings than any other female I know including myself. It's really hard to stay cheery when he acts like that.

Am I missing something? Last night with the remorseful "I'm sorry" and waiting 10 minutes to say good night, and then this little episode? Could H be looking for something from me and I just don't have a clue? Anyone please?

Thanks for listening.

[kml]

Could H be looking for something from me and I just don't have a clue? Anyone please?

Yes, I think he was looking for a warm welcome home and for you to jump his bones last night. I think YOU need to be more proactive right now - flirt with him, make love, be happy and attentive, ACT AS IF everything is going to be okay, not as if you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Ellie. I understand what you're saying. I've always been the passive one, and I have tried to initiate things. It's been hard though when HE's too tired, or especially since it's that time of month. But at this moment, I feel blank.

I really need help right now from anyone who can. H dropped another R talk on me. He's back to being unsure about whether or not he wants to stay together. He says he just can't help feeling so overwhelmed with guilt every time he looks at me even though I told him that I have forgiven him. He cannot forgive himself. He hates what he's done to my life. It's just eating away at him every minute of each and every day. He wants to make the right decision, but he doesn't know what that is. He wants to be with me, but he can't help feeling the uneasiness from the guilt. He says he feels like he's being selfish for not just letting me go because he can't bear to think of me being with another man. He says it's nothing I've done. It's just him and how he feels. He doesn't think he will ever truly be happy with or without me. We had a kid, a kid turned into marriage, marriage turned into more kids and a mortgage. He said this is not what he wanted in life......... OUCH!!!

After having to take this all in, H asked me about my thoughts....My thoughts. Where do I begin? Where do they end? After about a minute or so of silence, I was at a loss for words to validate any of his feelings, so I told him I really didn't know what to think. H said, "Well, tell me what the right thing to do is and I'll do it." I said I can't give him that because I don't even know it myself. Now, I know this was probably wrong, but I felt the need to say it - I told him that I, too, want to be with him, and I would like to spend the rest of our lives together, but I know that's me being selfish, too. I want us to be together, but if he isn't happy, then I don't know what else there is to do. I told him he deserves to be happy, too, and if he feels that he can't be happy with me, then I'm sorry. He needs to do what he wants - not what I want. I can't make any decisions for him. During all of this, I had tears coming down my face, but I wasn't crying uncontrollably.

We continued talking here and there. Had to stop every now and then because of the kids. By this time I wasn't crying anymore. They finally went into the backyard to play, so I said, "Since we're talking and being honest, can I ask you something and you'll still tell me the truth?" H said yes, so I asked him if he has talked to OW at all. He said, "No, not at all." (How eerie is that?![re: previous post]) I asked very calmly, "Why did you call her while we were in Reno?" H said, "Because I was stupid. We (him and me) were irritated with each other. It was a stupid mistake. This isn't what this is all about anyway, so please don't even think that." I wanted to ask about the 2am calls, but I just left it at that.

After a while, I told him that right now wouldn't be a good time for me and the kids to stay with my parents. They will be adding onto their 2nd floor in 2 weeks, and my stepdad's brother is having serious financial problems so he'll be staying there for probably 2 months. H said if anyone's leaving, it will be him. He won't make me and the boys leave. I only said that because I didn't know if he'd want to sell the house. H said he wasn't doing that. We were in our bedroom with the baby during this convo. I laid on the bed to just rest for a moment. H comes to me, lays on me, and says (jokingly maybe), "We can still do this, right?" We both just laughed a bit. He laid there with me and gave me a few kisses on my face. I gave him a few on his shoulder and bicep while rubbing his back. Nothing more.

We went out to the living room. S9 needed help with homework. H was just sitting there. I felt he had more to say, but I didn't ask. H whispered, "Are you going to want me out tonight?", with a very worried look on his face. I didn't say anything. S9 is asking for help so I start to help him. H said, "I'm going to go play cards if that's alright with you." I told him to go ahead. H said, "Thanks.....We'll talk more when I get home tonight. Do you want to watch a movie?" I said sure. H said ok. He reminded me that he has to work this weekend so he told me to find a sitter for all of next weekend so he and I could get away together. Before he left, he pulled me close and asked if I still loved him. I didn't say anything so he asked again. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "What do you think?" He gave me a hug and kisses all around my face saying, "ILY. ILY so much." I told him I'd try to find a sitter, but after he left, I called to tell him that wasn't going to be good since it will be Easter weekend. H said that's alright, we'll figure something else out.

What am I supposed to make of all this? H tells me how unhappy and unsure he is about this life with me, the kids, the house, etc, but then he tells me "let's go away together. Just the two of us." What is this?! I don't know what to do anymore! HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!

[ValerieA]

I also realize that I may have to accept the fact that my M cannot be salvaged, but this is just so unbelievably difficult. I feel like I'm getting nothing but mixed signals from H, and I don't know where to go from here. I just feel so extremely exhausted. Like I have nothing left.

[ValerieA]

It's nearly 11pm here. I just called H's cell to see if he was on his way home anytime soon especially if we were going to watch a movie. Guess what? It's off. I called the card club where he said he would be, and guess what? He's not there.

[sage]

JVJKB -- I know the R talk was difficult to get thru but believe it or not, hearing about h's uncertainty (while painful) can be a good thing...he's sharing, right? Looking for your thoughts and guidance, too?

It's nearly 11pm here. I just called H's cell to see if he was on his way home anytime soon especially if we were going to watch a movie. Guess what? It's off. I called the card club where he said he would be, and guess what? He's not there.

Any update on this? I hope you're doing ok.

Sage