What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Ellie. I understand what you're saying. I've always been the passive one, and I have tried to initiate things. It's been hard though when HE's too tired, or especially since it's that time of month. But at this moment, I feel blank.

I really need help right now from anyone who can. H dropped another R talk on me. He's back to being unsure about whether or not he wants to stay together. He says he just can't help feeling so overwhelmed with guilt every time he looks at me even though I told him that I have forgiven him. He cannot forgive himself. He hates what he's done to my life. It's just eating away at him every minute of each and every day. He wants to make the right decision, but he doesn't know what that is. He wants to be with me, but he can't help feeling the uneasiness from the guilt. He says he feels like he's being selfish for not just letting me go because he can't bear to think of me being with another man. He says it's nothing I've done. It's just him and how he feels. He doesn't think he will ever truly be happy with or without me. We had a kid, a kid turned into marriage, marriage turned into more kids and a mortgage. He said this is not what he wanted in life......... OUCH!!!

After having to take this all in, H asked me about my thoughts....My thoughts. Where do I begin? Where do they end? After about a minute or so of silence, I was at a loss for words to validate any of his feelings, so I told him I really didn't know what to think. H said, "Well, tell me what the right thing to do is and I'll do it." I said I can't give him that because I don't even know it myself. Now, I know this was probably wrong, but I felt the need to say it - I told him that I, too, want to be with him, and I would like to spend the rest of our lives together, but I know that's me being selfish, too. I want us to be together, but if he isn't happy, then I don't know what else there is to do. I told him he deserves to be happy, too, and if he feels that he can't be happy with me, then I'm sorry. He needs to do what he wants - not what I want. I can't make any decisions for him. During all of this, I had tears coming down my face, but I wasn't crying uncontrollably.

We continued talking here and there. Had to stop every now and then because of the kids. By this time I wasn't crying anymore. They finally went into the backyard to play, so I said, "Since we're talking and being honest, can I ask you something and you'll still tell me the truth?" H said yes, so I asked him if he has talked to OW at all. He said, "No, not at all." (How eerie is that?![re: previous post]) I asked very calmly, "Why did you call her while we were in Reno?" H said, "Because I was stupid. We (him and me) were irritated with each other. It was a stupid mistake. This isn't what this is all about anyway, so please don't even think that." I wanted to ask about the 2am calls, but I just left it at that.

After a while, I told him that right now wouldn't be a good time for me and the kids to stay with my parents. They will be adding onto their 2nd floor in 2 weeks, and my stepdad's brother is having serious financial problems so he'll be staying there for probably 2 months. H said if anyone's leaving, it will be him. He won't make me and the boys leave. I only said that because I didn't know if he'd want to sell the house. H said he wasn't doing that. We were in our bedroom with the baby during this convo. I laid on the bed to just rest for a moment. H comes to me, lays on me, and says (jokingly maybe), "We can still do this, right?" We both just laughed a bit. He laid there with me and gave me a few kisses on my face. I gave him a few on his shoulder and bicep while rubbing his back. Nothing more.

We went out to the living room. S9 needed help with homework. H was just sitting there. I felt he had more to say, but I didn't ask. H whispered, "Are you going to want me out tonight?", with a very worried look on his face. I didn't say anything. S9 is asking for help so I start to help him. H said, "I'm going to go play cards if that's alright with you." I told him to go ahead. H said, "Thanks.....We'll talk more when I get home tonight. Do you want to watch a movie?" I said sure. H said ok. He reminded me that he has to work this weekend so he told me to find a sitter for all of next weekend so he and I could get away together. Before he left, he pulled me close and asked if I still loved him. I didn't say anything so he asked again. I looked at him with tears in my eyes and said, "What do you think?" He gave me a hug and kisses all around my face saying, "ILY. ILY so much." I told him I'd try to find a sitter, but after he left, I called to tell him that wasn't going to be good since it will be Easter weekend. H said that's alright, we'll figure something else out.

What am I supposed to make of all this? H tells me how unhappy and unsure he is about this life with me, the kids, the house, etc, but then he tells me "let's go away together. Just the two of us." What is this?! I don't know what to do anymore! HEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!