Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Alright. I have decided to let the calls go...for now. This is going to be EXTREMELY difficult for me to do, but I will. I may have to vent every now and then while coming here, but I'm sure that's no new thing here, right? I'll wait at least another month when March's invoice comes along so that I can get a better sense of what may or may not still be going on between them. Geeeezzzz...this will be really hard for me! But I want to give my H the benefit of the doubt.
As for the 2 month trial and monthly evaluation deal, that was H's idea. He actually wanted to only try for a month at first, but I reminded him how it took him a month just to decide whether to stay or go, so he upped it to 2 months. Yeah, I don't like the time limit thing either, but since he decided to stay, I felt I should agree.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Wow, talk about your mood swings! Yesterday H was feeling really generous with the "ILY"s. Today is another story.
Hadn't talked to him all day. I went to my parents' for dinner since my stepdad's parents are in town. While I'm there, H calls our house at 6pm, leaves a brief message saying, "Hey. Just wanted to say hi to the kids. I'm finishing up a job right now. Call me later." It gets to be 8pm, I'm driving home, and my cell rings. I figure it's H, so I choose not to answer (the mystery thing). I get home, listen to the 1st message, and then the 2nd one. H said, "It's 8pm. I just called your cell, and you're not answering. Didn't know if you were going out with your girlfriends tonight or what. I guess call me at your f**king convenience. (Click!)"
Ummm.....did I do something wrong here? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think so! I don't want to call him back. I can't stand it when he gets like that - the attitude accompanied by cussing. But if I were going to do a 180, then I would call him back to ease his mind. Comments please?
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Don't worry, be happy. It's not a bad thing that H got pissed at you. That means he's emotionally connected to you, J. You can push his buttons, how nice to know. Not that you want him always angry at you. He'll calm down. Maybe even apologize. For all he knows, you weren't in an area that gets good cell service when he called.
Ok, I thought I was going to have more time at home to myself to get over the calls before H returns from Fresno, but H just called and it looks like he will be coming home in the next day or two. I wasn't expecting him back for another 8 days. I've been burning up inside about the calls off and on throughout the weekend. We've had beautiful weather here for the past several days, so I took the kids to the park a few times this weekend. I'd forget our troubles while playing with the kids, but then I'd see a dad playing around with his kids, or I'd see a H and his W holding hands while walking with their children, and I can't help but think to myself, "Look at them. They are so happy. They are so lucky. She loves him, and he really loves her." That's all I ever wanted. To just be happy. Why did he have to do this to me? Why did he have to go and have an affair? I wish he could have just told me he wasn't happy and wanted a D. Yes, it still would've hurt a lot, but I would've much rather dealt with that than this.
I'm sorry. I just needed to vent, and writing/typing helps me. I really hope I can hold it together when he gets here. You have no idea just how hard this is for me to keep quiet about the calls. I'm trying though. I'm really trying.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I have had those very thoughts when I see a couple or family together. I also wish my H would have just told me he wanted out instead of what he did, too.
Venting does help that is why this board is sooo good. So vent away.
Hang in there. You have made so much progress and done so well. Remember that your H wants to work on the M and has told you that. Try to put it out of your mind and move on. I know it is hard, we all struggle with it.
Well another new low........got turned down in the bedroom. That's not happened since right after H dropped the bomb in Nov. There's been no small pecks or even a hug since the night he told me he wasn't willing to stop calling the OW. After the morning when I told him he had a message on his phone because I heard it beep and told him to tell the OW to make sure and only leave text messages when it's not possible I'd find out, he started turning his phone completely off when in the house. Well, after the talk the other night, he started leaving it on again. I've never read any of the messages. I only have looked to see if it says "new message" on the front. Last night when I went to bed, it said 1 new message. He spent some time in the bathroom (our closet with a dresser where he keeps his phone is off the bathroom) and I got up before him this morning. Needless to say, after I got in bed last night, he read the message and probably replied since when I got up it didn't say there were any messages. Then, we took one of our D's to a movie and when we came out of the bathroom he was putting his phone back on his belt real quick. I stormed off and he knew I was pissed. OK, so now it's like he's not even trying to hide this crap anymore. Does that mean he IS done here trying with me? Then to be turned down tonight was the clincher. I feel awful. When I started to get up out of bed after the rejection he asked, "where ya going?" I just said I was getting back up for a little bit. I finally had worked up the nerve to see if he wanted to ML by saying, "you can lay closer over here with me if you want to". He didn't say a thing for so long and made no move. Then he said, "to cuddle"? I said forget it, never mind. Then that's when I got up. I just don't know where we are on all of this, and I know it only matters where I AM on all of this, but that's such a hard question. Thanks for listening.......yet again.....
Hey soccermom! Do you have your own thread? I think I've seen you post on a couple of other threads and it's a good idea to just have your own, and post your sitch there, and this way it's all in one place so people can read up on your sitch and advise you, without hijacking other people's threads (which I've done on occasion).
When he asked, "to cuddle?", why not just tell him what you want instead of saying, "forget it!" For all you know, maybe he didn't want to initiate something because he wasn't sure if that's what you wanted. After all, you had stormed off on him earlier, so maybe he wasn't sure... but it's better communication to simply ask for what you want. As for what was really going through his mind, who really knows?
I posted this story which I had heard and it really goes to show why we shouldn't try to analyze things like what other people are thinking. I think it's a cute story, myself:
Roger and Elaine, were driving home one night, when Elaine said to Roger, "Honey, we've been together for six months now... where is our relationship headed?" Roger just stared ahead and didn't respond.
"Oh God!", thought Elaine. "I shouldn't have brought that up! He's thinking I'm pressuring him into making a long term commitment right now, and he's probably thinking of all the reasons why he can't commit. Maybe he doesn't really love me? He must know that I love him! I wish he'd say something, tell me that he's thinking about us being together too. But he's not saying anything to me because maybe he doesn't want to get hurt again. He's probably thinking I'll hurt him, but I wouldn't hurt him! Never! That look on his face, I can tell he's torn and doesn't know what to say. I shouldn't have said a thing!"
Meanwhile, Roger is thinking, "Six months? Has it been that long? Oh damn, that's about the last time I had the oil changed. I forgot to have it changed since then. I wonder... if I get to the garage early enough tomorrow, if they can do a quick oil change and get me out so I'm not late for work?"
Cute, NY, very cute! I was feeling a bit down and ready to vent some more, but you made me laugh! So darn it... now I can't! I know it was meant for soccermom, but thanks. I needed that.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Hadn't talked to H all day, so I decided to give him a call. Now, I've been pretty good about not calling him and waiting for H to call me. I figured this one time wouldn't hurt. I basically just called to see how his day was going and to see if I needed to set the DVR to record any of his favorite shows. Before we hung up, H said "ILY" and so did I. He said he'll be home tomorrow. But I wouldn't be surprised if he got home late tonight. He used to like to surprise me that way.
I'm feeling better today. I've had some bad thoughts here and there, but I was able to push them aside quickly.
Ok, gotta get the kids ready for bed. Thanks for listening!
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
I'll wait at least another month when March's invoice comes along so that I can get a better sense of what may or may not still be going on between them. Geeeezzzz...this will be really hard for me! But I want to give my H the benefit of the doubt.
