What happens now?

[ValerieA]

soccermom,

I totally understand how you feel. There are many times when my mind is wondering and running wild with thoughts, too. But that's all they are - just thoughts. Meaningless thoughts. You need to learn how to stop them from consuming your brain and your life. I know it's hard. It's hard for me, but I have other things going on that are far more important than anything that has to do with OW. I'm sure you do, too.

I know how you feel about wanting to talk to the OW, but like you said yourself, you may hear something you wish you hadn't. I never talked to my H's OW although I did call her. I called her that very early morning when I found out about the A with my H right next to me. She didn't answer of course (she may have been sleeping), but I left her a message telling her about H and me being married for 8 years, together for 12. I told her we had children, and I told her I wasn't upset with her since H said she had no idea about us. My voice was very shaky because of all the crying I had done through the night, but I spoke as calmly as I could. Before I hung up, I told her she could call me on my cell phone if she wanted to talk. Of course, she never did. When I found out that contact was still being made between them after my discovery of the A, I confronted my H about it and he said OW was calling him, so he was calling her back to tell her to stop. (I know, I know. Why did he even bother to call back?) This enraged me! OW now clearly knows he is married with kids, so why is she still calling him?! I called her cell again, no answer, so I left a message again. Obviously I was not-so-nice this time. I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs or anything like that, but I knew she would understand how mad I was. I pretty much said that I didn't understand why she was still calling my H after I made it a point to tell her about us. I said, "What kind of person are you to continue something with a man who is married?" I told her my H said she was the one pursuing him, and he told her to stop. (If this wasn't true, I was hoping it would get a rise out of her.) I told her that I thought she was a coward for not answering her phone (I was sure she recognized my number from my previous call). I told her she had nothing to lose by talking to me. H had everything to lose, and pretty much did. I ended the call by telling her to go ahead and cower into a corner because she meant nothing to me. Again, she never called back. Whooooo.....ok, I felt that anger again, but it's passed. I'm alright now.

While working on my M now, I'm still trying to figure out what it was that H got from OW. I don't believe it was sexual. I used to wonder if it was because my physical appearance isn't what it used to be. I was a pretty and petite little thing in the beginning. Not trying to sound self-centered, but I know my "prettiness" never went away. My body was another story. Things don't stay quite the same for all of us after having 3 babies! So when I found out about the A, I drew up this image in my head of someone who looked like me 12 years ago. 105 lbs, long brown hair, size 5 clothes. Boy was I way off! I say this because I now know who OW is (not personally). The only thing I was right about was her long brown hair. Therefore, I think it was something emotional. Back in one R talk, I asked H what was it that he saw in her. H said he didn't know, he thinks he just got lost somehow.

We all want the truth, but our WASs may not be willing to give it. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but just like others here, I do believe it has to do with a great deal of guilt and shame they're going through. So don't push it. It will only push you and your H farther apart.

By the way (BTW), where is your thread? Where have you posted your story? Thanks for listening to mine. We're all here for each other!