What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Thanks, soccermom. I'm doing my best to hang in there, too.

My H doesn't get the reassurance thing either. I think he's just so ashamed of what he's done that when and if I bring the OW up, it's as if I'm rubbing his face in it, you know? So even though it's hard, I'm learning to control it more.

My H still shuts his phone off before we go to bed. Don't know if it's because he doesn't want to be bothered by co-workers or if there's a possibility of the OW calling him still. I've tried looking for his phone after he'd go to sleep to turn it on (just in case someone decided to call him), but for the life of me, I cannot find his hiding place! I guess it will take time just like everything else.

[NYsurvivor]

WASs, because of guilt or not wanting to hurt their LBS, just want their spouses to move on and act as if everything's OK.

Pick up a copy of "After the Affair" by Janis Abrahms Spring. It deals with what both the WAS and the LBS feels and is going through, and could be a useful tool for the two of you to read and put into practice.

[soccermom]

Well, so last night he tells me that he's talked to the OW twice since the last time I asked. (10 days ago) I just wish I knew what it was that prompts him to want to talk to her. I asked him if he calls when he's pissed at me, having a great day, heard a funny joke, WHAT? He says he doesn't know. I asked if he feels guilty after calling and he hesitated for WAY too long and then said, yeah. Duh! Like I say, "doctor, doctor, it hurts when I do this!" Then don't DO that! duh. Funny thing is, H is a physician. Anyway, he still insists he needs to talk to our therapist (he has an appt tomorrow) about how he is to handle my questions about the OW. I have a hint.....TELL THE TRUTH! I told H about these message boards and he asked what I had learned from them. I told him that everything I read here says, be patient, just wait. I told him that is so hard and he always agrees that it must be hard. He just finished DB last night and said the only reason he read it was because our therapist suggested he read it. I asked if he got anything from it and he said, yeah, a few things. To be honest, I think he only read it so he could tell the therapist tomorrow that he did. No other reason. I asked him if he had been happy with the way things have been around here for the past few weeks since it looked that way to me. He said, yes, it's comfortable. When H first dropped the bomb last Nov, the fact that he was just "comfortable" was his problem supposedly. I say what's wrong with comfortable?!? We've been together nearly 20 years now, married for 18 as of last Valentine's Day. (that was a nightmare!) When I mentioned to H that I had surprised myself with the restraint I'm showing by not calling the OW. I told him I want to do it every day to tell her to stop calling him and texting him and to leave my husband alone. I also said that on the other hand, I'm almost afraid to do it because I'm afraid I'll learn something I don't want to know...i.e. that H is the pursuer and won't stop calling her. I said he would have no right to be pissed if I did call and he just shook his head. It was weird, but I got the feeling that he almost WANTED me to call. To me,if he didn't want me to, he would have said, "don't do that" or "what purpose would that serve" or something to that effect. He just looked at me. I want to call so bad. I'm wondering if she even knows what the situation is here. I do know she's also married and her husb won't go to therapy. So I ask my H, then WHY the heck is she still with him? H says theirs is only an EA. I believe him, but I still wonder, ya know?
Ok, so I rambled on for way too long. Forgive me....

[ValerieA]

I do have that book already. I've read it a couple times. I even told H about it and told him that I believe it would help if he read it, too. He said he would (that was almost 3 weeks ago), but he has yet to pick it up.

I understand he just wants to move on and forget what's happened. So do I, but it's much easier said than done. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. I've tried explaining to my H why I need the reassurances, he says he understands and will try to give them. He does call me to "check in" and tells me he loves me. That's good, but I feel I need more. What "more" could possibly be, I don't know. I guess it's just kind of hard to think straight right now after discovering yesterday's new info.

[ValerieA]

soccermom,

I totally understand how you feel. There are many times when my mind is wondering and running wild with thoughts, too. But that's all they are - just thoughts. Meaningless thoughts. You need to learn how to stop them from consuming your brain and your life. I know it's hard. It's hard for me, but I have other things going on that are far more important than anything that has to do with OW. I'm sure you do, too.

I know how you feel about wanting to talk to the OW, but like you said yourself, you may hear something you wish you hadn't. I never talked to my H's OW although I did call her. I called her that very early morning when I found out about the A with my H right next to me. She didn't answer of course (she may have been sleeping), but I left her a message telling her about H and me being married for 8 years, together for 12. I told her we had children, and I told her I wasn't upset with her since H said she had no idea about us. My voice was very shaky because of all the crying I had done through the night, but I spoke as calmly as I could. Before I hung up, I told her she could call me on my cell phone if she wanted to talk. Of course, she never did. When I found out that contact was still being made between them after my discovery of the A, I confronted my H about it and he said OW was calling him, so he was calling her back to tell her to stop. (I know, I know. Why did he even bother to call back?) This enraged me! OW now clearly knows he is married with kids, so why is she still calling him?! I called her cell again, no answer, so I left a message again. Obviously I was not-so-nice this time. I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs or anything like that, but I knew she would understand how mad I was. I pretty much said that I didn't understand why she was still calling my H after I made it a point to tell her about us. I said, "What kind of person are you to continue something with a man who is married?" I told her my H said she was the one pursuing him, and he told her to stop. (If this wasn't true, I was hoping it would get a rise out of her.) I told her that I thought she was a coward for not answering her phone (I was sure she recognized my number from my previous call). I told her she had nothing to lose by talking to me. H had everything to lose, and pretty much did. I ended the call by telling her to go ahead and cower into a corner because she meant nothing to me. Again, she never called back. Whooooo.....ok, I felt that anger again, but it's passed. I'm alright now.

While working on my M now, I'm still trying to figure out what it was that H got from OW. I don't believe it was sexual. I used to wonder if it was because my physical appearance isn't what it used to be. I was a pretty and petite little thing in the beginning. Not trying to sound self-centered, but I know my "prettiness" never went away. My body was another story. Things don't stay quite the same for all of us after having 3 babies! So when I found out about the A, I drew up this image in my head of someone who looked like me 12 years ago. 105 lbs, long brown hair, size 5 clothes. Boy was I way off! I say this because I now know who OW is (not personally). The only thing I was right about was her long brown hair. Therefore, I think it was something emotional. Back in one R talk, I asked H what was it that he saw in her. H said he didn't know, he thinks he just got lost somehow.

We all want the truth, but our WASs may not be willing to give it. Why? I'm not exactly sure, but just like others here, I do believe it has to do with a great deal of guilt and shame they're going through. So don't push it. It will only push you and your H farther apart.

By the way (BTW), where is your thread? Where have you posted your story? Thanks for listening to mine. We're all here for each other!

[soccermom]

OK, I don't know what you mean about where my thread is. I'm messageboard illiterate. I wouldn't even know where to begin to be honest. The day he dropped the bomb? The day he decided to stay (which time), the numerous times he's told me he's not talking to her and still does? I just don't get how he can say he WON'T call her or text her and that her texts to him are getting few and far between. How many more times do I believe him and get burned? I guess the fact that he's still here and going to therapy alone and with me, he read DB before I did. But WHY read the book if you can't stop your urge to call her? Does he really not have any self control? OK, now I'm mad. Sorry.
P.S. I'm still contemplating calling her. I know her. Had dinner with her once. The OW is a drug rep that calls on my husband's office. He swears she said she won't ever come in the office unless it's his day off. Yeahh....rigggghhhhttt.

[ValerieA]

...The day he decided to stay (which time), the numerous times he's told me he's not talking to her and still does? I just don't get how he can say he WON'T call her.....How many more times do I believe him and get burned?...

Wow! I have that feeling as if I'm looking in a mirror right now! My H has had his moments of wanting to stay then wanting to go, too. He has told me many times that he isn't talking to OW anymore, but now I have information that shows this could possibly be false. I, too, have been burned by believing his many lies. What else were we supposed to do? We're supposed to trust and believe what our Hs tell us.

I wish I had all the answers. I'm learning as I go here, too. I haven't read DB, but I have read Divorce Remedy (DR). You may want to get it, too. Michele said that in DB, she gave some couples the false impression that things could be fixed overnight. Of course that's not true. This takes time. It took a long time for your M to get to that unfortunate point, so it will understandably take a long time to heal.

You need to work on yourself right now. You need to get a life (GAL) outside your M. The more you keep yourself busy with other things and the more you do for you, the less you will think about problems. It's difficult, but it's necessary so you can get through this easier. Not easily, just easier.

It's clearly your choice on calling the OW. Just be careful if you do. One member here said she called the OW in her case, and it turned into a legal matter. It could be best to just let it go, but again, it's solely up to you.

Your thread: Where did you go to tell your situation when you first came to this site? What forum?

[soccermom]

I've never gone to any forum to tell my story. How do I do that?

And thanks listening and your input. It truly is nice to know I'm not alone. Do you sometimes feel like by acting nice and loving to your H, that you are "okaying" his communication with the OW? That's the way it feels to me most of the time. Why leave me and the girls if he can still talk to the OW and have us too? I don't want to deliver the ultimatum.....but I'm getting closer to feeling that way. Hang in there to you!!

[ValerieA]

You're in the Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy forum right now. When you enter the forum, before you click into someone else's thread, at the top next to "I/EA/J" there's an option to "Post". Click on it and you will create your own thread. You can tell your situation, and other members will know where to look for you to lend you advice and support.

At first, I would describe myself as feeling stupid for giving my H a second chance. I used to think, "Once a cheater, always a cheater." But when I really had to think about things, I realized I wasn't being stupid at all. I've built an entire life with this man. We have a home of our own, 3 wonderful boys, and so much more. I'm not willing to just throw it all away on account of one mistake. Yes, it was a BIG one, and the trust I had in him is gone because of it. But I love him, and I have forgiven him. I will never forget what happened - none of us in this kind of situation can. But I have committed myself into making my M work, and if it doesn't, then so be it.

I understand what you mean. The "having his cake and eating it, too." I'm not okay with any kind of communication going on between my H and the OW. According to H, it has stopped, but as I posted earlier, I have new info that suggests otherwise. H is away on business, so I'm going to wait until he gets back to deal with it. There are other members here that are still living with their spouses who are still having contact with the OP (other person). I'm sure they'll give you more insight and how they are handling their situation.

I felt very alone, too, until I came here and soon realized I wasn't as alone as I thought. Lean on the people here, myself included. We're all here for each other's support.

[SherryL]

Hey,

I think it is good for you to wait and talk to H about the calls. You will have time to think about it and decide a good way to approach him. You will have some cooling off time, too. (I teach and I remember when I student taught-too many years ago LOL--, my mentor said always leave early on report card day , so if parents are upset they have the weekend to cool down before they talk to you on Monday)

Good advice about why we are here and doing what we are doing. I sometimes have to remind myself of that. I guess we all do. There are so many ups and downs on this road we are on.

Hang in there.
Sherry