What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Thanks, D and NY! I have a sense of relief now that I know H wants to stay together, but not a huge sense. I keep repeating in my mind, "No expectations, no expectations, no expectations."

Yes, I would have to say H is multi-lingual! Physical touch, Words of Affirmation, and possibly Acts of Service. When he is home, he will help out around the house and run errands sometimes so I don't have to always run around with the baby. My love languages are Physical touch and Quality time. I will work on Words and Acts for him, and hopefully he will return Quality time in time.

I've always been great at listening rather than great at giving advice. I would have to say that what worked for me to get me to this point is that I started to act as if everything was ok. I was devastated for the past month, but after reading DR and After the Affair , they somehow gave me a feeling of strength and made me realize that no matter what, everything would be ok. My boys would be ok. Most importantly, I would be ok. If H decided he wanted out, then I would let him go rather than beg, plead, cry, etc. because we both deserve to be happy, and if it took us going our separate ways to be happy, then so be it.

My H and I have a long road ahead of us, and hopefully we will remain side by side. I have to thank many of you out there for your guidance and support. You are all truly wonderful people! Especially you, NY. You helped to get me going in the right direction and were there every step of the way. You are a very strong, gifted individual, and I wish you all the best life has to offer. D, keep your head high and don't give up. Remember, no matter what, you will be ok. Life goes on for all of us with or without our spouses. Good luck! There is always hope.

I know that I'm nowhere near being out of the woods yet, but things are looking much clearer and brighter.

Thanks for listening, everyone!

[NYsurvivor]

Whoever you are JVJKB,

I wish I could hug you. I read what you wrote to me earlier this afternoon, and I was dumbstruck. You touched my heart. It meant so much to me. You have no idea how much. I'm really happy I was helpful. I'm only passing along what I've learned as I go through this myself. I hope this works out for me, too. Thank you.

- me

[dodgermf]

JV,

Thank you for the kind words and congratulations on what is hopefully a new beginning.

D.

[ValerieA]

I believe everyone deserves a hug everyday. NY, please consider my words as your very well deserved hug!

Things went ok today. I stuck to my "act as if" attitude with no expectations. H did alright himself for most of the day, but while I was getting dressed this morning, he came and sat in front of me on the bed, put his forehead against my stomach, and began to cry. I didn't ask what was wrong because I sensed it was more feelings of guilt and self-loathing. So I just kept rubbing his back and shoulders and stroking his hair to soothe him. After a few minutes, I told him to look at me. When he did, I told him, "I love you, H... and I forgive you. You are my H, and we will get through this together. Day by day, ok?" I wanted to cry with him, but I knew it wouldn't help, so luckily I was able to hold back.

Just a little more rambling, but it feels good to get my thoughts out. Thanks for listening!

[NYsurvivor]

I told him, "I love you, H... and I forgive you.

Nice. Eases his way back.

[ValerieA]

A bit of a rough day today.

I dont

H is coming. Post later, sorry!

[SherryL]

Sorry about your day.

You have been a big help on my thread.
Just remember all things you have been telling me.
Go slow, we are all pulling for you and your M.

Sherry

[ValerieA]

Thanks, Sherry.

I was just reading DR again and reminded of how one day I will feel great, and on another day not so great.

Ok, back to yesterday. H will be working in Fresno from Friday through Sunday night. Seeing that my birthday is on Saturday, we decided to go out last night to celebrate. Before taking our boys to my parents' house for the night, I had some errands to run. H said he would be helping his friend with installing a satellite receiver. His friend lives in the next town over. Now, I'm done with my errands, and I'm heading to my MIL's to pick up the boys. I'm at a stoplight, look to my left, and I see H making a right turn. At this moment, I don't know what to think other than, "Why isn't he at (friend)'s house in (next town)?" I then call his cell (it's ringing so I know it's on), but he doesn't answer. Panic, insecurity, mistrust, etc. all begin to set in, again. I reach MIL's, get the kids in the car, and start heading to my parents' to drop them off. H calls my cell. H says, "You called?" I say, "Yeah. What are you doing?" H says, "I'm with (friend). I told you that earlier." (H was alone when I saw him.) This is where I wish someone was there beside me to give me a good slap. I snapped, "Why are you lying to me?! I just saw you....blah, blah, blah..." Just as Michele said in DR, H became VERY defensive and angry. As it turns out, he WAS with his friend who was in his own car in front of my H. They were going to help H's friend's friend with his receiver here in town. H proved this by putting his friend on the phone when they got to the other guy's house.....Do I even have to describe how horrible I felt?

When H returned home, he was still visibly upset with me. After he took a shower and got dressed, he told me just how pissed off he was. H said, "I can walk a straight line for the rest of my life, but it doesn't mean s**t because I will be paying for this forever...You owe me an apology because I didn't do a damn thing wrong!" I really hated the tone he had with me. If I was still the old me, I wouldn't have said sorry for anything. But, this is what I said, "I am sorry, H, for blowing up like I did. I didn't handle that the way I should have. I assumed you were going to (friend)'s house, and when I saw you here, and you didn't answer my call, I felt you were lying to and avoiding me. I'm sorry. I just didn't know what to think." We talked a little more, then went out for dinner. I tried being as "happy" as I could, but it was so hard. I could feel the tension between us. Things didn't get much better for the rest of the night.

I got up this morning, took the kids to school, and came back home. H was getting his bag ready for his trip, still obviously troubled about yesterday. We discussed some things that needed to be handled over the weekend, then it was time for him to go. I told him to be careful driving (it's raining) and that I loved him. H said, "ILY, too", then we hugged goodbye with a small kiss.

I feel like I need to call H now and apologize more since I started yesterday's conflict. Should I do it or should I leave it alone? Some help please.

Thanks.

[NYsurvivor]

Can you send flowers to his room to greet him there? Maybe that will touch him. I wouldn't apologize twice. It makes it loom bigger the more one apologizes about something, I think.

[ValerieA]

Wow! That's a pretty good idea. H has sent me stuff when he was away sometimes, but I've never sent him anything before. I'm sure he'll be very surprised! H went straight to the home show this morning after he left, so I'll get the info for where he'll be staying when he calls later tonight. Flowers will have to wait til tomorrow.

Thanks for the suggestion, NY!