What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Just went looking back in my thread, and I didn't mention it. Yes, we are still living together. When I found out about the A (about 4 weeks ago), I told him to get out. H complained he had nowhere to go. I told him that wasn't my problem, but for that night, I would go stay at my parents' house (they were away) with the kids, so he'd better find a place to stay in the next 24 hours because I would return. When I came back, H said he wanted to stay together and work things out. After much discussion, I agreed.

One week later, when I found out H was still having contact with OW and confronted him about it, he said, "I can't do this. I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore. I've felt this way for a long time but never knew how to tell you. I never wanted to hurt you or see you cry. I was prepared to just keep my mouth shut for the rest of my life with you no matter how unhappy I was. I just want to move on, and you won't let me. I don't want to deal with this anymore, I'm sorry. I want a divorce." He proceeded to tell me that the boys and I could remain in the house, and he would continue to pay for everything - the mortgage, car, utilities, etc. After he was done talking, I said ok and that I was going to look into getting an attorney so I can be sure everything will be covered. H seemed shocked! "Didn't I just tell you that I would still pay for everything so you don't have to worry about going back to work?!" I told him I heard him, but I wanted to get everything he was willing to do down in legal writing. This way, I wouldn't have to make a call or wait for him to call me to let me know that "the check's in the mail". After that comment, H got very defensive saying things like, "You don't want me to get a lawyer 'cuz all it's gonna do is hurt you, but if that's what you want, fine." Then H left for work.

When he returned from work that night, and after the kids were in bed, H began to say he was so sorry, and he didn't mean what he said. He really didn't want a D. He really wanted to work things out for the kids' sake. He can't just throw away 12 years like that. So, again, we decided we would try.

When I've had the time to look back to see what the problem (or problems) might have been, I think part of it was that I never thanked him enough or showed enough appreciation for all that he has done for our family, and I think I could have been more affectionate with him also. Those are the things that I have come to realize. I wasn't cold, but I could have done more. H hasn't said a word to me about what was making him so unhappy for all that time, so I don't know if there's something else I'm missing.

A BIG part of our problem for me is the lack of time we spend together. H's job involves a lot of traveling, and I mean a lot! He goes to WA, OR, AZ, TX, and around here in CA. He can be gone for as little as 3 days or as much as 2 1/2 weeks! When he's home, I'm lucky if he's here for 5 days in a row. He's had this job for nearly 2 years, and he's now looking for a different job. He realizes he needs to be around more. The kids miss him and are always asking when is Dad coming home. He had taken the test for PG&E about 3 weeks ago and received a letter in the mail letting him know that he passed. PG&E will keep him on file for 1 year and notify him if any openings become available. He just took another test for employment at an oil refinery last week. He has yet to hear from them.

So, this is where we stand. I am hoping he gets a new job. I strongly feel that if he is around more, things may get better for us. I'll continue to show him more appreciation. Showing affection, hmmm. Not so sure about that. I do still love him very dearly, and there is nothing more that I want other than to be in his arms again, feeling the love he once had for me. But I'm trying to distance myself a bit. Not too much, but just a bit.

Thanks for listening.