H called this morning. We spoke briefly (because I made sure to be brief). Nothing too important other than asking H how his day was yesterday.
Hadn't spoken to him all day until about 30 minutes ago. I had the boys call him to say goodnight. Before they hang up, S5 says Dad wants to talk to me. I get on the phone, and I can hear that he is upset, practically crying. I ask what's wrong, and H says everything. It's hard to hear every word through the tears, but H said he's miserable, wishes he was home to get a hug from the kids, but especially from me. H said he's just so disgusted with himself for making all the wrong decisions, the A being the biggest one of all. He tells me that I am such an incredible person, and I deserve so much more than he can give. He says "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" a countless number of times. To put it mildly, H is giving himself a beating.
I'm feeling for him so badly, but I fight off the tears and try to reassure him that no matter what happens to our M, we (the kids and us) will be alright. H says, "You're acting so different. You don't need me anymore?" I said, "H, our boys need you. If things don't work out for you and me, I can adjust. But our boys need your strength, so be strong for them and yourself."
H goes on to say that this is all he can think about. At times he feels like he wants to work things out, and at other times, he's just not sure. Seeing that he will still be away for another 5 days, I told him that he needs to take this time to make a decision, a definite decision, as to whether or not he wants to give this M another try. He said he would do that.
As we're saying goodbye, H says, "I love so much, JV." As hard as it was, I simply said, "I know."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
