Quote: WOne thing that sticks in my head now is about not saying "I love you" to him... now H says it... so I just said "ok"... Didn't know if that was right or not.
Ha! I think your response was PERFECT. Keep in mind we're not to show enthusiasm when there are those kinds of positive steps on the part of our WASs. His comment of "So you don't want to say it now?" should have you giggling when he's not around, he's evidently not sure where you're at. Keep him guessing! "I don't know..." is a lot stronger than "I do, but" Turn him into the pursuer. Way to go!
My boys and I went out to dinner with my family for my mom's birthday this evening. Didn't talk to H since this morning, so he doesn't know. H called the house twice, but obviously I wasn't here. He then called my cell phone twice, but I didn't answer. I heard it ringing, but chose not to answer. When he called the house the 2nd time, he left a message saying, "I guess you don't want to talk to me right now, so.....bye." I haven't called him back and neither has he.
My questions:
1) Should I call H or wait for H to call me? I know someone will probably say, "Let him call you, let him wait, let him guess." My guess is his thoughts right now may be, "Fine. If she won't call me, I won't call her. I'll wait for her to give in."
2) When we do finally talk, what should I say about where I was, what I did, etc? I understand I'm supposed to keep him guessing, but how can I do this when he pretty much knows what I can and can't do since I have the kids all the time? I'm always at home, at the store, or at a relative's house. He knows this!
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
It appears you have your H on a hook. The thing is to let himself reel himself in.
You're thinking that by not calling him back, that he'll think, "Fine. If she won't call me...", DON'T ASSUME TO KNOW WHAT YOUR WAS THINKS OR WILL THINK.
AND what you think he thinks should NOT dictate your actions. Base all your actions on actual events and results or lack of results. Not on assumptions of what other people may or may not be thinking, may or may not be doing, may or may not come to think, and may or may not come to do.
So, you return the call in your own sweet time, if the call even needs to be returned. Unless it's a request for information, then really there's no reply needed.
Quote: When we do finally talk, what should I say about where I was, what I did
Something like this:
H: So I tried calling you the other night but you weren't around. What's doing? JVJKB: Oh, just catching up with some friends the other night. H: Oh? Anyone I know? JVJKB: No... I don't think so. Anyhow, what have you been up to? H: Back up a sec! I know who your friends are... what do you mean these are people I don't know? JVJKB: Well, I've been keeping busy with some new interests and I've met some people that way. Anyhow, tell me more about Seattle. Is it always raining there? H: Well, it was when I was there. What new interests? JVJKB: [laughing] Oh, you're incorrigible! Well, gotta run! Speak later! Bye!"
Quote: H: So I tried calling you the other night but you weren't around. What's doing? JVJKB: Oh, just catching up with some friends the other night. H: Oh? Anyone I know? JVJKB: No... I don't think so. Anyhow, what have you been up to? H: Back up a sec! I know who your friends are... what do you mean these are people I don't know? JVJKB: Well, I've been keeping busy with some new interests and I've met some people that way. Anyhow, tell me more about Seattle. Is it always raining there? H: Well, it was when I was there. What new interests? JVJKB: [laughing] Oh, you're incorrigible! Well, gotta run! Speak later! Bye
Thanks again, NY! I have to agree with dodger. YOU ARE GOOD!!!
Ok, I'll try to make this a brief update:
H called the house 4 times and my cell phone 5 times within 1 1/2 hours this morning! I finally decided to call him back, and I pretty much followed NY's guideline to a tee! H pretty much followed it, too! Oh my god, I was holding back the laughter as best as I could! Is that vicious? Hehe! H sounded like he was getting teary-eyed! He even said, "What's going on with you? I feel like I'm talking to a TOTALLY different person!" I was BEAMING! Told H I had to go because I had things to do before kids get out of school. H said, "What things?" I said, "I gotta go. Bye!"
I am really loving myself today! But I know that this is only the beginning.
Back to more reading! Thanks for all the support, everyone!
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
OK, great. Now go a bit dark for a while, let this sink in. Don't intiate contact for a week or so, see if he does. When he does, stay vague. You can tell him bits and pieces, just not everything. Be forgetful about giving lots of details. But mainly try to keep the focus of the conversation on him and what he's up to lately and talking about his interests. Then see what happens. The goal here is to eventually see him take a little step towards you in some way. Something like he invites you to lunch or a cup of coffee.
H called this morning. We spoke briefly (because I made sure to be brief). Nothing too important other than asking H how his day was yesterday.
Hadn't spoken to him all day until about 30 minutes ago. I had the boys call him to say goodnight. Before they hang up, S5 says Dad wants to talk to me. I get on the phone, and I can hear that he is upset, practically crying. I ask what's wrong, and H says everything. It's hard to hear every word through the tears, but H said he's miserable, wishes he was home to get a hug from the kids, but especially from me. H said he's just so disgusted with himself for making all the wrong decisions, the A being the biggest one of all. He tells me that I am such an incredible person, and I deserve so much more than he can give. He says "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" a countless number of times. To put it mildly, H is giving himself a beating.
I'm feeling for him so badly, but I fight off the tears and try to reassure him that no matter what happens to our M, we (the kids and us) will be alright. H says, "You're acting so different. You don't need me anymore?" I said, "H, our boys need you. If things don't work out for you and me, I can adjust. But our boys need your strength, so be strong for them and yourself."
H goes on to say that this is all he can think about. At times he feels like he wants to work things out, and at other times, he's just not sure. Seeing that he will still be away for another 5 days, I told him that he needs to take this time to make a decision, a definite decision, as to whether or not he wants to give this M another try. He said he would do that.
As we're saying goodbye, H says, "I love so much, JV." As hard as it was, I simply said, "I know."
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
Haha! Thanks ,NY!
Hehe! H sounded like he was getting teary-eyed! He even said, "What's going on with you? I feel like I'm talking to a TOTALLY different person!" I was BEAMING! Told H I had to go because I had things to do before kids get out of school. H said, "What things?" I said, "I gotta go. Bye!"