What happens now?

[NYsurvivor]

That 'love you, but not in love with you' business is the WAS comparing apples and oranges. They are in Stage 1 of their new relationship, vis a vis the affair, and in that infatuation stage, fireworks go off, everything about the OP is enhanced, their hearts thump when they see each other, they think about the other all the time, they put blinders on as to the OP's faults, etc. They don't feel that way about their relationship with you, because your relationship is past that stage. It's not a fair comparison. But infatuation doesn't last forever. It can't for several reasons. Anyway, their mind reasons that if they feel so gaga over the OP, but not you, then they reason they must be in love with the OP, and therefore, if they're in love with someone else, then they can't possibly be in love with you, though they still care for you.

None of this is really true, it's how they feel at the moment. Consider that relationships begin many times with such a heightened state of feelings where the OP can do no wrong and this is it! this time it's for real! (even though this is exactly how they felt at the start of their last relationships) and they will now be in love forever, but that in time, many such relationships end with one or both of the parties declaring that the OP is such an a$$hole and the relationship falls apart, right?

[ValerieA]

Thanks. That makes a lot of sense. My H told me that OW was someone he liked talking to before it got to be more, and then what do you know? After I found out, I asked him if he had strong feelings for her. His response was, "NO! I don't care about that b@!*h!" I was so blown away and didn't know what to think other than "you've been seeing her for 4 months...and now that I know about her, she's a b@!*h?!" I couldn't understand it. If OW was that, then why would he call her anymore? I guess this is part of the reason I still feel something may be going on.

My H is leaving for Seattle today and will be gone for at least 10 days. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this. It's not that I think he'll be with OW. He's working a home show up there with others. I guess it's just the not knowing if he'll be talking to her or not.

[ValerieA]

Well, I believe I messed up quite badly today.

A few of hours before my H was supposed to leave for Seattle, he told me he was going to deliver some equipment to a co-worker out-of-town. After not hearing from him for a couple of hours, I tried calling him but got no answer. I tried again 15 minutes later. Still no answer. He finally called me back 10 minutes later and said he left his cell phone in the car. This is pretty unusual for him seeing that his cell is practically another part of his body.

He came back home about 40 minutes later, got his things together for his trip, and then gave me a hug goodbye. He could sense that something was bothering me and asked what was wrong. This is where I goofed. I said that I couldn't help feeling that he went to see OW before he had to leave. He of course denied having done anything of the sort and said, "So this is the kind of goodbye I get?"

I felt so terribly bad. I called him after he had already left to tell him how sorry I was. He said that I don't need to be sorry for anything since he was the one who did this to us. I said yes that he was to blame for what he did, but we are both at fault for what happened to get us to that point. He kept saying, "No, no. You didn't do anything wrong. It was all me." I think he was just trying to get me to feel better.

He called me a few hours later to tell me, "I'm just letting you know that I'm paying for everything I've done to you right now. I'm broken down on the side of the freeway. My car's completely dead, and my cell phone's about to die." I tried asking if he had help coming, but he cut me off saying, " My phone's gonna die so if you try calling, and I don't answer, that's why. Let me go so I can deal with this. Bye." His tone during all of this was very angry.

Any advice on how to deal with this kind of mood swing from H?

[kml]

Look -
he's just feeling really guilty right now, okay?

I said yes that he was to blame for what he did, but we are both at fault for what happened to get us to that point.

You handled this EXACTLY right. Two stars for you.

Now - your job right now is to be his beacon of light - because right now he's in a very dark place (self-loathing, depression, guilt - all of it). Be clear with him that those loving feelings CAN come back - he fell in love with you once, it can happen again. (He may argue against this, but he'll remember you said it).

Don't mention OW AT ALL for the next two weeks.
Stay out of relationship talks - unless he pins you to the wall and forces one on you. Validate, validate, validate. Read Divorce Remedy IMMEDIATELY. Work like mad on yourself for the next ten days - I know it's hard when you just had a baby, but pretend you're on "What Not To Wear" and get some new clothes, new hairstyle, new attitude. And if housekeeping is an issue, get some help in so when he comes home, the house is clean and warm and welcoming.

Send him funny light text messages.

Act As If you are in a good mood and things are going to be okay.

Read the beginning of my thread in the Piecing forum - Valentine's Day Massacre - I summarize a lot of what worked for me.

Good luck, honey - you CAN do this.

Ellie

[ValerieA]

Thank you, Ellie!

The reassurance you've given me feels great! I did tell myself earlier that while my H is away, I'm going to get things back in order in my home. It's not a complete wreck, but I have let some things slip these past couple of weeks. H noticed and wasn't too happy about it, but knew it wasn't intentional. So when he comes back, I know he'll be very pleased.

I read your thread. What a great, inspiring success story! Congratulations to you - such a strong woman - and your family!

[ValerieA]

Hope everyone's having a good weekend, and I just wanted to let you know that I went out and bought 3 books today: After the Affair, The Five Love Languages, and Divorce Remedy.

With 3 boys under the age of 10, looks like my homework will have to wait til after they are all in bed!

[dodgermf]

JV,

I'm not trying to run up your credit cards but go get a copy of "Surviving an Affair", by Willard Harley & Jennifer Harley Chalmers. It has a real life case study that runs through each chapter of the book that almost mirrors my situation w/my WAW. It has really helped me.

It shows that as soon as the affair is out in the light of day, the reality starts to hit. No longer is the excitement of the secrecy and the infatuation there. Now they start to see that their new partner (OP) is not perfect (digs in their ear with a key, picks their nose, can't balance a checkbook, doesn't like kids, etc.)

Now at the same time, your WAS sees you moving on. You are a better person, you are getting a life, you may want them but you don't need them. This makes them start to question the very decisions they made.

Read DR first, that is your rock. When you're done, read it again.

Welcome to the family and fight on!

D.

Here's my deal if you have a minute...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB2&Number=855183&Forum=All_Forums&Words=13637&Match=Username&Searchpage=0&Limit=25&Old=allposts&Main=830284&Search=true#Post855183

[ValerieA]

Thanks, dodger. I was at Barnes&Noble yesterday and looked for Surviving... , but they didn't have it. I definitely want to get it though. I'm not concerned about the money. If this is what it takes to have a better understanding of what's going on in my M, I believe it's well worth it.

I actually read After the Affair first. Since I've been losing sleep since the start of all this, I spent quite an amount of time reading last night until about 3am this morning. Sooo much of it hits home, you know? I would love for my H to read it when he gets back so he can have a better understanding of what we are both going through, but I don't know if he would be willing to. Once when we were having a tough time (about a year and a half ago), I suggested we try to get some counselling. H said, "Why am I going to pay someone to tell me what I already know I need to do?"

But he did say he wants to try to make things better. So maybe.....?

I'm starting Divorce Remedy next.

By the way, I read your thread, dodger. I am so sorry about your situation. It sounds like your coping a little better now, I hope. I wish the best for you, your D, and your W if she is ever back in the real picture.

[dodgermf]

JV,

Thanks for your thoughts and words. I wish you the best as well...

D

[ValerieA]

Well, I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell H about the books I bought, but I did. I told him I think we should really try to get some counselling, but since I know how he feels about it, then I would be happy if he would at least try to read After the Affair , and he said ok. He asked me a little about the book. I explained that it may give him a better understanding of what feelings he may have had before the A, maybe why he chose to say nothing to me about those feelings, and the feelings we are both going through right now. I told H there are things I need to change in myself - not because I read it in the book. I looked back at myself in our R before I got these books and could see things that needed much improvement. I told H there are things he needs to change in himself as well. He took all this in pretty easily and seemed genuinely interested. Hopefully a step in the right direction!

I've begun reading DR today. One thing that sticks in my head now is about not saying "I love you" to him no matter how difficult it is. Well, I have said it, and it was before I got to that point in the book. I knew it felt awkward when I would say it to H after the A, and now I understand not to because it's a constant reminder of the problem in the R. Well, now H says it. Not all the time, but he does. He said it this morning when he called. I didn't know if I should have said it, too, since H said it on his own, so I just said "ok". Didn't know if that was right or not. H then said, "So you don't want to say it now?" I said, "I do...but..." (I kind of murmured "but"). He just said ok he'd call me later, then we said goodbye.

Any words here? About saying "I love you" if H says it first?

Thanks.