What happens now?

[ValerieA]

Hello. I am new to the site and would appreciate any helpful advice.

I am 29 years old and a mother of 3 boys, 9, 5, and 5 months. My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 12. About 2 1/2 weeks ago, I discovered the unthinkable through his cell phone from a call he received after 2am while I was awake feeding our baby boy. He has been involved with another woman for the past 4 months. At first he tried to play "stupid" and acted as if he didn't know who was calling him from that number, but when he knew that I wasn't letting it go, he knew he had been caught.

After much arguing and crying all that night, I demanded that he call her, admit to what he had done, and tell her that it was over. He did just that. I explained to him that this was the first big step in repairing our relationship, and he agreed.

I had felt for some time (about 5 or 6 months earlier) that something was wrong, but every time I asked him, he always insisted there wasn't. I felt so lonely all that time. Now I know why and it all makes some sense. He travels quite a bit for work, but when he was home from work, he still wasn't really here. He always said he had errands to run for the business, or he had to go pick up equipment at an out-of-town warehouse, or he had to take equipment to somebody because they couldn't come get it themselves, or he wanted to go to a poker party. One night, he didn't come home at all until the next afternoon. He said he had too much to drink and passed out at his buddy's house.

He said he has been unhappy with our marriage for a LOONG time (we're talking a couple of years), but he never knew how to tell me. He didn't want to say anything to hurt my feelings or to see me cry. He says that he still loves me very much, but is not in love with me anymore. He never intended to be unfaithful. This just started out as friendly conversations, but quickly became more. He admits to hugging and kissing this woman, but is very adamant that it was nothing more. He said that what was going on between them was nothing important and meant nothing to him.

I find this extremely difficult to believe. I decided to do a little investigating. When this all first came out in the open, he said that he had been talking to her for only about 2 months. About a week and a half ago, I decided to check his cell phone records online. That's how I found out it was more like 4 months. Remember how he told me that she meant nothing to him? Well, I further discovered that he called her EVERYDAY, at least 3 TIMES A DAY, for 3 MONTHS! He called her when we went to Maui for my relative's wedding. He called her 6 TIMES on our oldest son's birthday. He even called her on Christmas Day while we were at my parents' house. I also found out that after I made him make the "it's over" call to her that morning, he called her as soon as he left the house to take the kids to school.

He claims that he hasn't spoken to her in a week now. She supposedly has been calling him (even after she's been made aware that he is a married man), and he has been returning her calls to tell her to stop calling him. Obviously, I don't believe him anymore. How can I? He insists that it is over between them.

After much discussion, we both agree that we want to try to work things out. I am still very much in love with him. I have spent 12 years with this man, and I can't just throw it all away even though he has committed the ultimate sin in our marriage. He's a human being, and we all make mistakes. He is a wonderful provider, and I am so very grateful for everything he has given this family. I will never forget this, but I am willing to try to forgive him. Only this once though.

Plain and simple: He wants to work it out for the kids. I can understand this somewhat, but it still hurts. He doesn't want to give up on everything. He feels that if we should split up, then everything he has worked so hard for will have been for nothing. He still loves me, but not the way a husband should love his wife, and he doesn't know if he can again.

I am trying to be as strong as I can for the sake of my children, but while they are at school and the baby's asleep, I find myself crying in a corner of the room, sometimes uncontrollably.

We both know that this will take time, and I can't help but notice that he continues on just like it was any other day. I don't want to dwell on what has happened, but it's very hard not to.

Right now, he is supposed to be picking up displays for work from a friend. I can't help but feel that he may possibly be with her right now even though he said I could call him anytime if I needed to.

What am I to do? I want my marriage to work for both of us. I want him to be in love with me again. I need his love. He has always done things to show that he loves me, but I want to feel it again sooo badly. I am trying so hard to put this behind us, but whenever I try to get a little affectionate with him, all I get is a small peck on the cheek or a slight hug.

Some help here please!