What irks me the most is that, ok, I am fine that H didnt want to come up to mts with me, but guess what...he went up to FT Collins to go out and party with his friends!! Hence again, me not being as important as his friends. What is it? He goes up there to party, get drunk, flirt w/girls, build up his self-esteem? Making our life and M seem even less "magical"!! Is he running away from his problems by drinking? Sometimes I wonder...his dad is an alcoholic, could H be too? He drinks maybe 2x a month, but drinks ALOT when he does. I used to do that in college...yes, to escape my messed up life....so is that what he is doing?
I guess I cant do anything I dont have any control over, right? Am I willing to stay in this M with a man that runs every time he gets "spooked" or "feels pressured"? I think I am....but is it the reservations that are coming out in me not showing H my love for him?? I dont know..I dont know anything anymore....
I so badly want to just text H a "goodnite", but why?? I never get a response and then I just get sad....what is a simple goodnite? He used to text OW all the time when he wsa out with friends, but I cant get a simple "goodnite" our of him.....so sad!!
Its ok B-- I had been reading all day long and my eyes were killing me, I had to go to sleep!
So, I started reading DR again last night, figured time to really start my DBing again. First I need to put down some goals that will help me see when I am getting closer to the M I want.
1. I want H to express his love for me by hugging me and kissing me and saying ILY.
2. I want H to initiate dates, outings and doing things together.
3. I want H to make me feel that I am as important to him or more important to him than his friends are by NOT answering the phone when we are spending time together and by inviting me along to do things with his friends instead of keeping us separate.
4. I want us both to be able to communicate our feelings to each other without being afraid.
5. I want us to spend at least 10 hrs a week doing something together.
6. I want for me to stop "giving up myself" all the time in hopes of having H love me. (A little codependency thing)
7. And the biggest goal of all...I want us to have a baby!!
There, that is pretty much all of the things that I think about when I think of us having a perfect marriage. Most of it has to come from my H, so here is where I need to DB my butt off and just be PATIENT!
My 24hrs away was the best! It gave me so much time to just think (or not) and relax! The drive back was scary though..never actually driven the car in the mts before...going up was no problem, but coming down...SCARY!! Not much to the right of you but a looooong ways down!! But I made it home safely...even went to chruch when I got back!
My 3 positives for yesterday: 1. H called me (I didnt answer) and left voice mail saying "Just calling to see where you're at and what your doing, you can call me back if want." I waited til after church to call back, which was 2 hrs later.
2. When I got home, he asked what I did while I was in Mts. (I LOVE that he asks about my life)
3. He sat on couch with me to watch TV and had his hand on my knee! WOW, first time in looong time, unless I put it there! We joked around, laughed, teased each other..it was so nice!
Ok, so what was the "I still dont have feelings for you" supposed to be telling me? SLOW DOWN!! GO AT H PACE!! So that is what I am going to do.
Last night, I said good night, but no kiss....that will have to wait until he's ready!
I was thinking today that maybe when H said "I dont want to hug and kiss you just because....I still dont have those feelings" ..is because he still has some strong feelings for OW. I know that they hugged and kissed and maybe he feels that its not fair to me for him to hug and kiss me yet, because its hard for him to not think of what he was doing with her. How can I understand that? I dont know, but I do...and I forgive him. And I am willing to give him the time he needs to move on from it. If time is what he needs, time is what I will give him.
Positives from yesterday: 1. H brought up conversations with me. 2. H was checking me out when I was walking around house in yoga pants and sports bra. 3. H came to sit in LR with me while I was doing puzzle instead of staying on computer all night.
3 Positives for today: 1. H talked to me about my day and asked my opinion on something. 2. H helped me with the kids today. 3. H told me he didnt like the crust on the pizza I made tonite as much as the other kind I like---BUT, made a point to say that it was still good (so as not to hurt my feelings)
Quote: I was thinking today that maybe when H said "I dont want to hug and kiss you just because....I still dont have those feelings" ..is because he still has some strong feelings for OW. I know that they hugged and kissed and maybe he feels that its not fair to me for him to hug and kiss me yet, because its hard for him to not think of what he was doing with her. How can I understand that?
Girl, I hate to say it, but you are WAY over-analyzing here. Cut it out. You're only making yourself nuts.
Instead of focusing on why he is or isn't doing something, which is a need you have, why don't you consider ways you can get these needs met yourself in some other way? If it's a self-care need, perhaps a need to relax and be touched, go get a massage or go to a spa and soak in the jaccuzi. He'll come around; be patient and take care of your own needs. You'll glow from the inside and he'll be drawn to you like a moth to a flame!
Martha, you are so right....I do overanalyze too much and I do it a lot!! I need to just be...and start doing things to make myself happy! Which I am already...!! Thanks!
H seemed withdrawn last night and again this morning...I am sure its just his work, but it sure does stink when hes like that. I will just wait til he comes out of this "cave"!
I was thinking last night how far H and I have come in past year and thought I would write down some 180's that both of us have done.
MY 180's: 1. I no longer nag H about things, I ask once and then just let it go. 2. I no longer get anxious when H leaves around 1pm (thats when he used to go call OW) or when he goes into the bathroom with his cell (he used to text her in there) 3. I dont expect or even ask H to go places with me all the time...I go by myself. 4. I am not afraid to try new things or meet new people. 5. I tell H "thank you" when he does ANYTHING for me and tell him how much it means to me. 6. I no longer think H bad moods or "cave time" is because of something I did and I just give him that time until he's ready to come out. 7. If we have an arguement, I dont think I need to be right..and I talk calmly instead of accusing. 8. I "Listen" to H when he talks..or am practicing to listen instead of interrupting and helping. 9. I dont obssess about OW and relationship they had and I have forgiven him for the EA. 10. I have been getting more involved in sports because it is a big part of H life and instead of fighting him every step of the way about it, why not join him? 11. I am gonna start golfing and playing cards too, because they are of interest to my H and its stuff we can do together!
H 180's: 1. I only have to ask him once to do something and it gets done...I am in habit now of making "lists" of stuff I would like him to do and it works so much nicer...he does it when he can! 2. H is starting to "thank" me for things that I do and he NEVER used to do that. 3. His being more considerate of my feelings. 4. H is going out on dates with me AT LEAST once a week. 5. H helps me with the kids when I am getting stressed or just need some extra help. (and they arent even our kids!) 6. H is bringing up conversations and talking to me about his job and stuff. 7. H is making future plans with me whether it be a trip or something to do with the house. 8. If I ask him to spend a little time with me, he does, if even for a little bit when he is busy....makes a point to try.
I guess you could say that we have both changed quite a bit in the past year. And if all that has happened in just once year, just think of where we could be in a year from now!!
Boy has this week been a "blah" week for me. I have been soooooooooo tired this week, I have had no energy, I was working out at least 2x per day and have hardly done 1 workout a day this week! Not sure if its PMS or if its because of what H said last friday. Could be a little of both...I might not think about what H said conciously, but subconsciouly it could be wearing me down. I even had a couple tears shed last night, WHILE was sitting with H...of course he didnt see me, but geez....I just feel so crummy! I sure hope I come out of this soon!!
Positives from yesterday: 1. H helped me make suppper 2. H helped me with kids when I asked. 3. H came and sat with me to watch CSI...our show. 4. H put hand on my leg while we were in bed, w/ out me doing it myself!
For some reason, thoughts of OW and time H and her spent together came into my head yesterday. I think its because I am trying to plan a surprise party for h for his birthday. Last year on his birthday, he was with OW the whole weekend! It was really the first time they spent time together. They partied with all of the people that I know here in CO that are H friends. I didnt know at the time that he was with her until a couple weeks later when I was snooping on his email. It really sucked!!! So now I am trying to plan something so that H AND I are not thinking about what he was doing last year on his birthday, but instead thinking of how lucky he is this year to be with me..
