Well, Im here, in the Mts, by myself. I am ok...its actually nice to have time to myself where I dont have to worry about my every move, word, etc, with H around. H asked me twice if I wanted him to come and I said it was his decision, but I just wanted to go away and relax since I had already planned on being away anyhow. One last time he came to me and said, "Before I decide if Im going or not, I want to know if you will be mad or upset if I dont go." I said, "I wouldnt have made the reservation without knowing if you were for sure going if I wasnt ok going by myself. I promise I will not be upset with you."
The rest of the night went on as usual...I thought he would be withdrawn because of the "talk" earlier in the day, but he wasnt. He agreed to watch a movie with me and we sat together on the couch and then ended up ML. This morning we went out to eat breakfast, H paid and then filled up the car with gas for me. He then helped me get packed to go up to the mts. (Either his way of getting me out of there sooner or just being nice) Ok, I will take it as him just being nice, because he is a very nice person! He did hug me when I left, but I didnt make a point of kissing him...dont want to push anymore.
Ok, so I just wrote about all the good stuff, so I can keep that in my head when I journal the rest....
On the way up to the mts, had lots of time to think...I am still not sure if H talks to OW or not or emails her..I have been very good at not snooping. I even had the chance last night, but chose not to. It would only set ME back. I have just noticed a little behavior change in H in past couple weeks, since he has been back from trip to see OW brother. (Long time friends and B doesnt know about EA at all). So, maybe it was there, he was thinking about OW, if her pix was around or whatever, and he had lots of thinking time. BUT--he called me when he was there, lots! So maybe that has nothing to do with it. I think I read somewhere that it takes 2-3 yrs for person to get over feelings of affair!! WOW. that is a darn long time! I know he still has feelings about her, just by what he said yesterday during our "talk". He said "my feelings for OW have nothing to do with how I feel about you" Hurtful, yes, but I know that she is happy with her H now...so its just him that needs to get on with his life.
Maybe he is just keeping me around, thinking things will get bad with her and her H again? How nice is that for me? And these feelings that he says he doenst have for me? What feelings is he talking about? The feelings he had for OW, when they were seeing each other? Of course he's not going to have those type of feelings for me, we have been together almost 6 yrs!! I just dont undertand what he means when he says that and when I ask I get the "I dont have the feelings to want to hug or kiss you like I should" Ok, is that because those are the things he did share with OW and he felt "magic" with her, but doesnt with me?
He was a little more in tune to us when he first came back from EA. But as time has passed, he has been backing off a bit. I have been trying to put some "spice and spontonaiety" into our M, trying to keep it fun and alive. I guess I just havent been doing a good enough job.
These feelings....they just get me so confused. I know that I dont have the same feelings for my H as I did when we first met..it was "magical" back then! Fun and new and butterlies all the time! But I dont have them now, but that doesnt mean I dont love him. How can I get him to see that we have moved on to a different place in our love for each other? Or will I ever get him to see that?
Oh wow, how my words just have been falling out...phew...but so much and so many questions on my mind!! I guess I should take a break for a while...my fingers hurt! Hee hee...gonna go find a place to go for nice, good, long hike!
