I'm sorry you are having such a bad day, gf. Has your H given you any indication he is willing to put in some work of his own?
I noticed that your letter was patterned after the Love Letter in "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". If your H has indicated he's willing to put some work in, then maybe he could read that, or you could read it together. It might be a good place to break the ice.
Or try to find some other tool you can use to help you break the ice. That would take the focus off of you, per se, and place it on the tool you are exploring together.
My .02, fwiw.
Go ahead and go to the mts. Can you get a gf or 2 to go with you? Maybe you could plan something for an upcoming weekend with some friends. Remember that you are responsible for your own hapiness, and it sounds to me like you haven't been doing enough to take care of yourself.
Well, listen to this...H just told me he still doesnt have feelings for me....well, so all the effort I have been putting forth is all for nothing. It always comes back to the "INILWY" and I dont have those feelings for you. He says that is why he doesnt hug or kiss me. I said that those are the most intimate things that help bring closer and he said , yea and Im not going to force myself to do something that I dont want to do. I told him that I hated him at one time and forced myslef to do loving things toward him because I wanted this marriage to work. I asked him if maybe he would consider trying the hugs and kisses, just for one month and then see what happens. He said no, because he doesnt want to.
I said it seemed to me he was happy and enjoying being with me, and he said because you asked me to try, so I have been trying, but I still dont have those feelings.
What do I do? Give up?? I dont know if I can do this anymore...work so hard for so long just to hear..sorry, dont feel anything!
Sage, if your out there, I need your advice...did your H go thru this too?? HELP !
2much -- How did the conversation come about? Did you bring up wanting more or wanting something different?
For the first year, I would still occasionally bring up stuff if I wanted "more" and each time I got the "maybe I should leave", "this will never work", etc, speech. It didn't happen often but it did happen everytime I tried to verbally ask him for something different.
Is that what happened?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
What happened was that I aske him to go away with me tomorrow, just for the night. I made a reservation and told him that if he didnt want to go, I would just go by myself, becaue I needed to get away. He then later said, "So what time we leaving in the morning" and I said I thought you didnt want to go and he said, "well you forced me by making the reservation." To which I said, " I said I would go alone, I have no problem with that. The reason I asked you to come is because we just havent been spenging much time together lately, with you being busy with your sports stuff, so I just thought a trip, just the 2 of us would be good for us. I just dont want us to get back to where we were." Then he said, "And just where do you think we are?" I said "I thought things were going well" Then he said, "but I still dont feel anything, and that is why I dont hug and kiss you. And you keep sending me these Marriage things in the email about how to make the marraige work and Im just not there"
And that is where I went into the other stuff from my last post....
Could it be I am pushing too much? I mean, his words dont match his actions. He has been doing so much, but thats when I push for more. What do you suggest??
I think I will just go away by myself tomrrow..I dont want him going just becuz I "forced him to go". I want him to go becuz he wants to....
So yes, I guess that is what happened...I asked for just a little more and he wasnt ready...I guess...Darn good thing I didnt give him that letter I wrote...
Yup, it sounds like you're pushing too much. But it also sounds like your requests of him are not without some "R talk" and M pressure thrown in
In other words, perhaps the request itself to go away wasn't bad (though it sounds like a big leap!) but then it got wrapped up in:
I said I thought you didnt want to go - a little bit of questioning his motives
The reason I asked you to come is because we just havent been spenging much time together lately -- asking for something different, possibly sounds like a judgement to him
you being busy with your sports stuff -- definite "blame" sound (sorry!)
just the 2 of us would be good for us -- could sound controlling
I just dont want us to get back to where we were -- a bit of an R talk
And you keep sending me these Marriage things in the email about how to make the marraige work and Im just not there !!!!!! This is a big one! STOP sending him M stuff in email!
It definitely sounds to me like he's reacting to some R talk stuff plus feeling some pressure from you plus maybe feeling blamed a bit. I know that none of that was your intention but that's what it looks like.
It's HARD to keep the DB principles in mind when you get to Piecing because it seems natural to want to go back to pursuing and talking and "getting better" but a lot of that stuff just isn't going to work and may set you back a bit.
My suggestion is that you go away if you want the break and it he asks about it you could tell him that you'd love for him to come if he wants to get away and just relax but that you understand if he doesn't want too. Can you be lighthearted and warm and apply no pressure?
If he doesn't want to go, then you go and have a fun, relaxing time. Come back with tales of some decadent fun you had and don't mention anything about "I did some thinking" or "the break was good for us" or anything that even remotely sounds like this was to "improve" the R.
If he says he wants to go DON'T question his motives -- just be pleased he does want to go and make it the most relaxing fun time you can. NO PRESSURE.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks Sage!! Your the best!! And you give me hope again!! Maybe I will take the DB book away if I go alone and catch up on what I should and shouldnt be doing!
I can do all that you said..you are so right, its just been in the past couple weeks I have been pushing for more..and its been then that he has been withdrawing more and more...DUH! You think I could have figured that one out,huh?!
Well, Im here, in the Mts, by myself. I am ok...its actually nice to have time to myself where I dont have to worry about my every move, word, etc, with H around. H asked me twice if I wanted him to come and I said it was his decision, but I just wanted to go away and relax since I had already planned on being away anyhow. One last time he came to me and said, "Before I decide if Im going or not, I want to know if you will be mad or upset if I dont go." I said, "I wouldnt have made the reservation without knowing if you were for sure going if I wasnt ok going by myself. I promise I will not be upset with you."
The rest of the night went on as usual...I thought he would be withdrawn because of the "talk" earlier in the day, but he wasnt. He agreed to watch a movie with me and we sat together on the couch and then ended up ML. This morning we went out to eat breakfast, H paid and then filled up the car with gas for me. He then helped me get packed to go up to the mts. (Either his way of getting me out of there sooner or just being nice) Ok, I will take it as him just being nice, because he is a very nice person! He did hug me when I left, but I didnt make a point of kissing him...dont want to push anymore.
Ok, so I just wrote about all the good stuff, so I can keep that in my head when I journal the rest....
On the way up to the mts, had lots of time to think...I am still not sure if H talks to OW or not or emails her..I have been very good at not snooping. I even had the chance last night, but chose not to. It would only set ME back. I have just noticed a little behavior change in H in past couple weeks, since he has been back from trip to see OW brother. (Long time friends and B doesnt know about EA at all). So, maybe it was there, he was thinking about OW, if her pix was around or whatever, and he had lots of thinking time. BUT--he called me when he was there, lots! So maybe that has nothing to do with it. I think I read somewhere that it takes 2-3 yrs for person to get over feelings of affair!! WOW. that is a darn long time! I know he still has feelings about her, just by what he said yesterday during our "talk". He said "my feelings for OW have nothing to do with how I feel about you" Hurtful, yes, but I know that she is happy with her H now...so its just him that needs to get on with his life.
Maybe he is just keeping me around, thinking things will get bad with her and her H again? How nice is that for me? And these feelings that he says he doenst have for me? What feelings is he talking about? The feelings he had for OW, when they were seeing each other? Of course he's not going to have those type of feelings for me, we have been together almost 6 yrs!! I just dont undertand what he means when he says that and when I ask I get the "I dont have the feelings to want to hug or kiss you like I should" Ok, is that because those are the things he did share with OW and he felt "magic" with her, but doesnt with me?
He was a little more in tune to us when he first came back from EA. But as time has passed, he has been backing off a bit. I have been trying to put some "spice and spontonaiety" into our M, trying to keep it fun and alive. I guess I just havent been doing a good enough job.
These feelings....they just get me so confused. I know that I dont have the same feelings for my H as I did when we first met..it was "magical" back then! Fun and new and butterlies all the time! But I dont have them now, but that doesnt mean I dont love him. How can I get him to see that we have moved on to a different place in our love for each other? Or will I ever get him to see that?
Oh wow, how my words just have been falling out...phew...but so much and so many questions on my mind!! I guess I should take a break for a while...my fingers hurt! Hee hee...gonna go find a place to go for nice, good, long hike!
2 Much- I wish I were there with you. It sounds beautiful. Sorry about the turmoil with H. I agree that you need to back off a little. Remember the rubber band? Put it back on your wrist and snap it every time you start to press. It really sounds like he's just getting spooked. Come on, he wouldn't ML with you if he didn't like you just a little, right?
When you go home, be relaxed and calm. Pleasant. Wonderful, but definitely stop with the emails. If he's not there, he'll just resent the effort.
Catch you later.... Red or white?
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
WOW..great hike! Kind of funny as I was hiking up the mountainI thought of it is kind of like the rollercoaster ride f my M. It so much fun on the way up, the excitement, the suspense, but the ride down is too fast, not as enjoyable and a lot harder on the body! HEE HEE!
Here's my horoscope for the upcoming week..boy, I couldnt have said it any better myself!
As children, we all play with building blocks. Early in this process we discover that, when creating a tall tower, it is important to have a strong, solid, level base. The same is true of any construction process. Get the foundation right and the rest will be much easier to deal with. Sometimes though, we don't quite realise that we are at the start of something - and that the future depends on what we do next. Or we do realise this... but we are in too much of a hurry to care. Look hard at the precedents you are setting now. Above all else, you need stability.
I have been reading Sage's post from the beginning...sure is taking a while, but so worth it! Here are some things I have gotten out of it so far:
*I need to find the faith that giving my love to H w/out regard for how it comes back to me is good for me and my being *I want H ot feel safe around me. I think this might be a big issue in our M right now. If he felt safe, he would be physically relaxed around me, physically affectionate. *I need to figure out what will make my H feel safe and try things out *Right now I need to be H friend and nothing else *I need to stop focusing on my needs being met and concentrate on his needs!
I dont always get to know why. I may find myself caught up in wondering why something happened while asking myself, What did I do wrong? or Why did this happen to me? If the situation is something I can change, I can plan how to change it. I can look at my options or ask someone elses opinion and ultimately decide what to do. If the situation is one in which I have no control, I might never get to know why it happened. I might have to understand that it just did. When Im wondering why, sometimes the hardest answer to accept is that there isnt one. I wont always understand or be given the reasons for certain situations. I will do my best to accept that sometimes things are the way they are.
