I hate waking up in the morning and the first thing I think of is how unhappy I am. I am so emotionally drained...trying to keep H happy and meet his needs at every waking moment! Yes, he does do simple, little things, but its just not enough! NO, I am not greedy, I just want to be happy in this marriage. I have been "kissing his a@@" for the past year and doing everything in my power to make sure he is happy and feels loved, because I wanted our M to work. But lately I have been wondering if he will ever really work as hard at this M as I am?! Will I soon be the one to go "looking for happiness" somewhere else?

So, why not give H the letter I wrote? It tells him what I feel, not what he feels. Who knows, maybe he thinks he is doing enough. I dont really ask for more, because everyone tells me "its not time yet". I put on a happy face each and every day, feed his needs and maybe he thinks I really am happy? So why cant I let him know I am not? If I dont, wont we end up where we were before the EA started? He was unhappy, but never told me what he needed or even how unhappy he was, so there was nothing I could to make him happy again.

Yes, I see baby steps, litle things he does, but its not enough!!!!! Its just not!!!

I had a dream last night that my sister told my H that I still wanted to have kids and that he had better decide if he does to or else get out! It was so weird! And, yes, that is true..I am almost 33 years old..I have wanted kids all my life...but now I am waiting...there was a time that H said he didnt want kids EVER..but that was when he was unhappy and thought he wanted OW...but I dont know if he has changed his mind or not yet. Why? BECAUSE WE DONT TALK!

I just cant handle this anymore...I need to tell him things, we need to start talking about more than just everyday things!! If we dont, we will never be comfortable doing it!

I think I am at a place where I cant get hurt anymore and I am ready for the answers I will hear. I guess if it gets to be too much for H, then I guess we just might not be able to make things work.

I have been feeling a little like I did in my first marriage lately. I divorced my H back then because his work and his family (bros and sis) and his home were his first priority. I took a backseat to all of that, we drifted apart..I even tried to tell him many, many times I was unhappy and tried to get him to do things and told him what I needed, but to no avail. I felt alone, sad and very, very unhappy. Well, I am starting to get there again and I really dont want to be there. It was so awful!!

Well, H and I plans for weekend were cancelled, so I decided to ask him to go up to mts for day with me and stay in motel. He said no, 2x....so yea, I am really sad. But I decided I am going whether he goes with me or not. I have not been anywhere for a weekend since Christmas...he has been to Vegas 2x and MN once....of course with the friends....