Some days are just harder than others. Like if we just have an "allright" night the night before, or if H seems a little withdrawn. Then I get all anxious and nervous...did I do something?---what is he thinking about?---is it her?--- IT SUCKS!
Then I wake up in the morning and think..I need to ask him to do something to reassure me....I want to ask him if he would start kissing me when he leaves in the morning...because that is one need I have. But would I get a bad reaction? What if he said no? Or what if he just plain didnt do it? Then I almost feel worse!
This morning I found a cute/funny e card thats said ILY and then I wrote how much I appreciated him and all that he does for me and that I am so lucky to have him in my life. I dont get a thank you or any type of respone at all...like I used to, before EA.
Sometimes it just gets to hard to just keep giving and giving and not getting the things you really want....
Maybe you're giving too much? Or maybe he feels the expectations that you have regarding sending an e-card and it feels like pressure?
I remember so well the period of time where I felt like what you posted...things go great and then you start to feel anxious...for me that often led to my reaching out for reassurances from him (either overtly or tacitly -- like sending an e-card or a flirty email) and he wouldn't respond the way I wanted or hoped and I would get bummed and pull back and ...
Two things that worked well for me in breaking that cycle 1. listing 3 positives a day -- this helped me see that he WAS reassuring me -- just not in MY love language
2. Focusing on giving HIM his LL (which happens to primarily be quality time for my h). IOW, when I focused on whether or not I was meeting his needs, he would often respond positively to my needs (but be careful not to pursue!).
OK, one more...verbal affirmation/appreciation for something he had done that I really appreciated -- like, "I really enjoyed that lunch this weekend" or "I love it when you call me during the day", etc.
I know it's really hard but try to let go of the expectations for a while...it often gets telegraphed to our spouses as them not "doing or being" enough.
Also, how about a treat for yourself? Bubble bath? New lipstick? Trashy magazine? Some exercise? Sometimes reassuring YOURSELF turns out to be great medicine.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage!! So nice of you to stop by! You always have wonderful advice!
Yes, maybe I am pushing too much...but its so hard NOT to sometimes. I have been doing TOO much for him....and when I do this, is when I get upset because I am not getting what I want. Dont get me wrong...my H does SO MUCH for me....but they arent all in my LL, but in his instead.
I think I may be getting lost in "US" again and focusing on him so much and not doing for myself as much, and thats when I get down. I have to remember its not his responsibility to make sure I am happy..its mine!!
Ok, so my 3 positives for the day: 1. H went and bought yard stuff for me when I asked him to. 2. H watched kids for me so I could get supper started. 3. H came and sat outside with kids and I when we were playing outside.
OH, and tonite...I did something for myself...went tanning, did some pilates and took nice bath!!
Oh one more thing...when I do ask H for something that I need, I usually do get it, but what things are ok to ask for?? Kisses? hugs? ILY? Probably not, but maybe things like a movie, or a meal out.....??
April 20, 2005 Your Own Subversion Overcoming Self-Sabotage Each one of us is blessed with the ability to want. Some desire to achieve financial success, some to change the world, and others simply desire to change themselves for the better. Each one of us also has the power to make what we want become reality. Often, however, we subtly undermine our efforts by refusing support, adopting an air of ambivalence, over-committing, being indecisive, or listening to our doubts. This is self-sabotage. Sometimes it's not a deficiency of desire, intelligence, skill, or effort that is holding you back, but an internal tug-of-war based on fear. You know what you want from life but consciously or sub-consciously get in the own way of your efforts. There is a conflict between your desires and your feelings of worth and entitlement.
Self-sabotaging behavior can affect your motivation and your drive. You may drown your strong desires in television or food, avoid facing potentially challenging situations, or simply retreat inward. Accepting challenges, growing, making tough decisions, and working hard can seem truly frightening. It is easier to continue doing what you've always done. But the more you turn away from the means to achieve your life's dreams, the more your self-esteem and confidence is damaged. In that way, self-sabotage is cyclical. You shy away from getting what you want and then believe you lack the ability to get what you want. Self-sabotage can inspire feelings of depression, frustration, discouragement, and even anger because you are working against yourself. If you feel you have sabotaged your own efforts, remember and write down times in which you did so. Don't use the information to judge yourself. Rather, try to avoid similarly sabotaging yourself in the future.
Then, recognize that all worthwhile goals will take patience, organization, work, and a measure of confidence. Self-sabotage nearly always comes from feelings of inadequacy or underservedness, but those feelings can be overcome by giving yourself an extra portion of nurturing and love when you're working out a problem or formulating a long-term plan. All wants are special and valid and learning to overcome self-sabotage is an important part of achieving what you desire.
Ok, up until the past week or so, I have been giving my H a kiss or hug when he leaves in the morning. It always felt so pushed...just because he had no reaction to it and didnt put any effor into returning it. So I stopped. Well, a couple times he hesitated before he left...almost like he was waiting for me to give him a hug or kiss. So, why cant he just come and give me one? Today I was in other room when he left and he said, Im leaving and I said, ok, goodbye. I heard him fidgeting around with the door and then he came into the room where I was and pretended to get something..it was almost like he wanted me to initiate something. But I didnt. I guess I should have just said, "How bout a kiss goodbye?" But its so weird....shouldnt it just be something that comes naturally? UUGGHH!! I guess taht is what I am going to do next time...I was planning on taking step back the next couple days, just to get myself back on track, but I guess somethings I should keep doing. Maybe he always appreciated the hug and kiss goodbye, but was afraid to let me know..why? not sure about that...but I guess I will just have to keep doing it...then maybe someday he will surprise me with the initiating part!
Try putting it in the words of a Martian, "Would you like...?" But, be prepared for him to say no, perhaps even the first 3 or 4 times. He'll come around. Just be patient.
Heres a letter I wrote to my H. I got the idea of a "love letter" from a book I read. Not sure I will give it to him, but sure felt better to get all that stuff off my chest and out of my head!
H, I’m tired of putting forth so much effort in our marriage without any help. I’m tired of being the only one that shows any type of affection in our marriage. I resent it when I go to hug or kiss you and you turn your body away from me or don’t hug or kiss me back. I get angry when I am talking to you and you walk out of the room. I hate it when we are spending time together and your friends call and you just leave me to talk to them. I want to be made to feel just as important or more important in your life as they are.
I feel sad when I you spend all your time talking to your friends on the phone, but can’t spend a couple hours with me each night. I feel sad when I come up with different things we can do to spend time together and you say no. I feel disappointed because I am not getting my needs met, but am trying my hardest to meet all of your needs. I feel sad when I come home and find you sitting on the couch watching TV, only to see you get up and go in the computer room when I walk in the door. I feel sad when I ask you to rub my leg and you won’t. I feel disappointed that we cant talk about things when they are bothering us. I hope that we will start to open up to each other and not be afraid.
I am afraid to communicate my needs to you, because I am scared you will not work to try and meet them. I’m afraid that I will never get my needs met and I will end up being unhappy in this marriage. I want for us to have a wonderful, happy marriage. I want you to want this marriage to work as much as I do.
I’m sorry if I am sometimes too clingy. I am sorry if you feel I am pushing too much on you too soon, but you need to tell me. I am sorry that I didn’t not work harder on our marriage after we got married. I feel bad that I let us get into such a bad place that our lives got so mixed up. I wish I had done so many things differently the past couple years, so maybe it wouldn’t all be so hard right now. I am sorry I was always so jealous and nagging. Please forgive me for trying to change you into something that you were not.
I love you because you are you. I fell in love with the person that you were, not who I thought I wanted you to be. You are the person I want you to be. You are a wonderful husband and companion. You have a wonderful sense of humor. I appreciate it when you do things for me around the house and help me with the kids, and even when you just listen to me vent about my day. I love when we go out on “dates” and are able to just talk. Thank you for including me in your life and talking tome about what’s going on in your life. I do truly think that we are wonderful together. I understand that it is hard for both of us to express ourselves, but I think that in order to keep our marriage strong, we need to communicate on a deeper level without being afraid to express ourselves. I want us to be more affectionate together and try to spend more time together, just the two of us. I sometimes just need you to hold me, just to let me know you love and care about me. I love you more than I ever thought possible and its because of that I am writing this letter. So that we have a chance of making our marriage the strongest marriage ever!
I hate waking up in the morning and the first thing I think of is how unhappy I am. I am so emotionally drained...trying to keep H happy and meet his needs at every waking moment! Yes, he does do simple, little things, but its just not enough! NO, I am not greedy, I just want to be happy in this marriage. I have been "kissing his a@@" for the past year and doing everything in my power to make sure he is happy and feels loved, because I wanted our M to work. But lately I have been wondering if he will ever really work as hard at this M as I am?! Will I soon be the one to go "looking for happiness" somewhere else?
So, why not give H the letter I wrote? It tells him what I feel, not what he feels. Who knows, maybe he thinks he is doing enough. I dont really ask for more, because everyone tells me "its not time yet". I put on a happy face each and every day, feed his needs and maybe he thinks I really am happy? So why cant I let him know I am not? If I dont, wont we end up where we were before the EA started? He was unhappy, but never told me what he needed or even how unhappy he was, so there was nothing I could to make him happy again.
Yes, I see baby steps, litle things he does, but its not enough!!!!! Its just not!!!
I had a dream last night that my sister told my H that I still wanted to have kids and that he had better decide if he does to or else get out! It was so weird! And, yes, that is true..I am almost 33 years old..I have wanted kids all my life...but now I am waiting...there was a time that H said he didnt want kids EVER..but that was when he was unhappy and thought he wanted OW...but I dont know if he has changed his mind or not yet. Why? BECAUSE WE DONT TALK!
I just cant handle this anymore...I need to tell him things, we need to start talking about more than just everyday things!! If we dont, we will never be comfortable doing it!
I think I am at a place where I cant get hurt anymore and I am ready for the answers I will hear. I guess if it gets to be too much for H, then I guess we just might not be able to make things work.
I have been feeling a little like I did in my first marriage lately. I divorced my H back then because his work and his family (bros and sis) and his home were his first priority. I took a backseat to all of that, we drifted apart..I even tried to tell him many, many times I was unhappy and tried to get him to do things and told him what I needed, but to no avail. I felt alone, sad and very, very unhappy. Well, I am starting to get there again and I really dont want to be there. It was so awful!!
Well, H and I plans for weekend were cancelled, so I decided to ask him to go up to mts for day with me and stay in motel. He said no, 2x....so yea, I am really sad. But I decided I am going whether he goes with me or not. I have not been anywhere for a weekend since Christmas...he has been to Vegas 2x and MN once....of course with the friends....
