OK, so I had a hard weekend. My H is going to Vegas this thursday until sunday for a "guys weekend" He has them quite often, but thats a whole other story....
Vegas is where OW lives, where H used to go to see her and spend time with her. So I am getting anxious, scared all those feelings I want to leave behind are slowly creeping in. I find myself looking for any different behavior in my H, but only in looking so hard, do I analyze EVERY move he makes!
I know there is nothing with him and OW and I have nothing to worry about, BUT, its so hard to just forget what has happened.
I think I get anxious because I dont feel safe yet...Yes, we are doing so well and moving in the right direction, but still I feel like at any moment, he is going to tell me he still is not in love with me. His actions have been showing me different, but no words of ILY, but I have not said them either.
Fear...that is what it is...and I think we both may have some of the same fears and that is what is keeping us from moving that extra step forward. I am finally showing some more personal affection toward him, by hugging him each morning when he leaves for work. He is getting much more comfortable with it too. I also give him a kiss each night before we go to sleep. Simple things, yes, but things that for long time I was afraid to do, for fear of being rejected.
When I start feeling anxious is when I start feeling like I am not getting what I need from H. Yes, he does so much for me: cleans house, puts dishes away, does laundry, cleans bathroom, goes out for meals with me, has meaningful conversations with me...but there are still some things that if I dont get from him eventually, it will be very hard for me to stay in love with him and I really dont want that to happen!!
Maybe this weekend would be a good time to write him a "love letter" and tell him how I feel and some of the things I need from him.
Another thing is kids...I have wanted kids since I was 10 years old..now I am 32, almost 33. I do want them....there was a time I told my H I thought I would be ok with not having them as long as I was doing daycare, but I was wrong..I do want kids...so very much. But that discussion has not come up in a LONG time. My H has "taken" to one of the little ones in my daycare...he seems to be so much more comfortable around the kids...at first he was not very interested in them, but now he is always wanting hugs and kisses and wants to see what they are doing...so maybe he has changed his mind too. But is it too soon to ask about it?
Is it too soon for me to have anymore expectations in this M or should I still be patient? How long do I have to wait for it to be the right time to "talk" about things or will it ever be the right time?
