Some time last week, it hit me!! All this work, all this fear, all this hurt, all this worry...just what exactly is it doing for me? If anything, its making this marriage harder! When did marriage have to be this much work? I am tired of working so hard on our M...I just want to BE in our M.
So, I have let go...and let God? Possibly...I feel so much better about my M now than I did a week ago. Yes, I have little moments in time where something triggers a memory or I so much want the things my H has not been giving to me. But when I look at the bigger picture....he is giving me so much more than most people get from their H. We are happy....I am happy....I am in love with my H...is he in love with me? I do think so. We may not say the words, but the actions are enough for now.
I was telling a fellow DB friend that how can I expect him to do things for me, (like hug and kiss and say ILY), when I am not even comfortable doing those things yet? For me, its fear of it not being recipricated. For him, maybe its fear too??? Maybe he's afraid it won't feel like he wants it to. But I am getting more comfortable with it...and trying to do it more often and I think in time, he will come around.
I think when H affair was over, we moved too fast, we pushed too much....for almost 4 months!! Also while he was still in contact with OW...not as much, but a little. Now, am not sure if there is contact or not, but he's a different person....he's sincere, funny, full of conversation...the man I fell in love with....
So, I am just gonna slow down a bit, take things in stride...I have learned so much in the past year....I am a different person....I have learned not to nag, to ask nicely, and also to just ask for things when I want them. So far...it has worked sooo much better than the way I was doing it before.
I guess what I am trying to say is that now, I am more at peace with my M. I feel so much better and happier and that is exactly what I have wanted for so long...
