Cha, I think some people struggle with balance more than others. Letting the dishes sit for one night while you go play with H is no big deal. If you did it every single night, yeah, you'd eventually have a mess on your hands. Likewise with the cake.
Perhaps it is a problem of not trusting yourself. Or your husband. Can you work on this in concrete ways? Set up situations, like NOP suggested with the bbq, where you have a nice time and eat what you want, but then get back on the wagon the very next day. Leave the dishes one night and go play cards with your H. Whatever. Do something small and see how it goes.
I know, I know, easy for me to say right! I am an easygoing person and these things do not bother me in the least. My H is the one going cuckoo because the dishes got left while I decided to play "shadow movies" in the dark with a flashlight and my sweet kids.
Take it one step at a time. Experiment and see what you can and can't live with and go from there. For example, you can live with leaving the dishes rinsed and in the sink, but not encrusted with food (this is my personal rule).
Do something different. Play the radio when your H arrives home. Let him see the fun chacha that's in there. I know what you mean about the food. Eating is a great stress reducer and when you take that away, without putting another stress reducer in its place, then you feel agitated. Habits are hard to break but you can do it.
Honeypot
P.S. 50 pounds! That's amazing and you are an inspiration.
