I am willing to try about anything right now. I'm going to see if I can get the book on a CD though because H has problems reading. It is a touchy subject with him.
Last night he made an interesting comment though. He said "you know, you were a lot more fun when you were fat. You seemed to be more at ease with yourself." Over the last year or so I have lost 50 lbs. I asked him to explain and he said that when I was heavy, he could go buy me a box of candy and know that I would really enjoy it. Now he says, I eat it then complain that I am going to gain the weight back. He said that we used to have great BBQ's and picnics, now he's afraid to suggest it because I'll say I can't eat any of the food anymore. He said it's like as I dropped the weight I lost my personality....I seemed to like myself better then.
I don't know if it is really tied to the weight loss but I certainly agree that I did like myself better then. I just didn't seem to worry so much about everything. I find now that it is very difficult for me to put aside most of the day to day stuff and just allow myself to relax. Of course, if I don't relax then I don't seem to have any SD. I mean I just don't get in the mood when I am thinking about what I'm cooking for dinner. So why don't I just set those thing aside? What happened to me to make me into this nervous, bitter worrier? I used to be a fun person, I used to laugh...a lot. Nothing seems funny anymore. I just want to feel comfortable with H. I want to reach to point in our R where we can enjoy "comfortable silence" and not read it as one of us in angry at the other. I want to fall into his arms at night and feel safe again. I want to feel that I can't get enough of him.
