H and I had a wonderful night out together for the first time in ages. We even had a very enjoyable session of ML. I just took my time and tried to relax.
With V-Day tomorrow I find myself getting a bit tense. It seems that in our household, there is the expection of ML if it is a special "holiday" much more than on an average day. It just puts a lot of pressure on me to perform just because it's V-day. We won't spend anytime together tomorrow, H is working all day and into the night. Even so, I know he will come home with the expectation that because this is the "romance" day that we should have a grand ML session. This is what he does on most holidays...Christmas Day....Father's Day....Valentine's Day...Arbor Day....just kidding. On our anniversary last year, he took me to dinner at a pretty nice place. We had a wonderful time but we both had a bit too much wine and too much food. I just felt yucky. Later he told me that the whole night was ruined because I didn't feel like ML. Maybe I should have sucked it up?
chachacha wrote: --------------- we both had a bit too much wine and too much food. How do you all handle the "special" days? ----------------- A lady I heard talking one time said sex night ment eating light (a salad to her) and eating early, maybe 1 drink before bedtime. Kind of uncomfortable bouncing on a bloated stomach. Another women on another thread ate Chinese food, said it did not stick with her as long as pizza or meat and potatoes type meals.
You can also tell your H you need to be on top after eating too much.
------------ This is what he does on most holidays...Christmas Day....Father's Day....Valentine's Day...Arbor Day ----------- Arbor Day is good. You forgot groundhog day and many many more. But I am a guy.
Now, let's see. Oh tomorow is one of those days.
Hay, don't take me too seriously. Maybe someone more like your will reply with better information.
Good to hear you had a good time going out with your H.
Have you seen the movie "A Christmas Story"? I can pretty much guarantee that your H's feelings about having sex on V-Day are equivalent to the little boy's feelings about getting the Red Ryder BB-Gun for Xmas. The nice dinner out is just a football and a mushy card might just be the equivalent of the inappropriate gift of a pink bunny suit from his Great-Aunt.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Valentines Day. I remember when it used to mean that I might get sex. In fact, three years ago, my W had the whole "rose petal trail leading to the bedroom, champagne on ice, lingerie" deal going on. That was the last time she put anything more than token effort into LMing.
Valentines day is a made up holiday, promoted by greeting card companies, florists, and chocolate manufacturers.
This is a perspective that I don't understand. You seem to feel you need to "Perform". ML should NEVER be a performance. The key to solving this problem is that you must find a way to WANT sex from him. It's all about you finding YOUR need for sexual fulfillment, not his! You need to find out what makes you want him, and then tell him what he needs to do to create that environment. Guys are NOT that smart. They often need to be bluntly told. Your going to create a lot of pressure on yourself by always "Performing" for him. This is not about pleasing him, this is about you building a true need for sex and figuring out what YOU need to get there.
If you felt yucky, then you should have told him so and scheduled sex for later. If you ever are not in the mood for sex, do not turn him down, just reschedule it for the next morning or a later time. Do not REJECT him. And yes, when you turn him down for sex you are rejecting him big time.
It also sounds like HE needs a little retraining on what makes YOU feel sexy. Maybe HE needs to put a little more effort into the romance side of things. Lry him know what turns you on!
Cha-cha, Special occasions DO mean that my mind is on ML...if it is a day in which I am feeling the love for H, I will want to ML.
For me, and many other HD people, feeling lovey dovey feelings leads directly into sexual feelings. Last night, I was sitting next to my H and I glanced over lovingly at him and was suddenly hit with the urge to ML. They go hand in hand for me. It is NOT that I feel entitled to ML because it is a special day and if he doesn't, it will lessen the day for me. Although I will tell you that that is absolutely true for me! But that's not the ORIGIN of the feeling. I don't think I am entitled to it and get pissy when it doesn't happen, (though I'm not gonna lie..I have felt like that in the past) but I do naturally go from feeling loving to sexy in a matter of seconds. Then, if I am prevented from expressing my love it sorta dampens the entire day.
Perhaps if you can reframe it that way, in your mind, you will feel better about those times when you decide to suck it up and go for it.
I think you need to figure out what you can do to put yourself in the mood, since your H doesn't seem to be able to do it for you. We can only make suggestions, since it is different for everyone. The idea of planning a light meal with moderate alcohol is a good one (wine better than beer for this purpose). If you have trouble keeping your mind on things, eliminate distractions, i.e. take care of any business that needs to be done. How about a warm bath? Some quality time with a strategically located hand-held shower nozzle ? Are there any kind of fantasy scenarios that turn you on?
You get the idea. Or maybe you don't. This kind of pressure can force you to actually think for the first time about what it really is that turns you on, which is in my ignorant opinion, a good first move in fixing your own desire issues.
Also, don't be afraid of making special requests of your H. I wouldn't ask him for a particular gift, but maybe you would like him to shower, shave, and put on that shirt that you really like.
Hope that helps.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
Well, this a.m. I woke up to a beautiful flower arrangement, card and box of chocolates. It was a wonderful way to start my V-Day....then H tells me before he goes to work that he "spent $50.00 on those flowers, I better damn well get something tonight".
This is why I feel pressured. Now I feel like throwing everything away and being in my ugly flannel pjs when he comes home with my hair up in curlers.
CCC, I know just how you feel. I do not get horny without doing a lot of mental gymnastics. People like my hubby seem not to have to do anything to get there, just have a sexual thought or two. For the most part my sexual thoughts do not translate into sexual feelings. I think my H is incredibly sexy, but that doesn't make me want to drag him back to the bedroom and have my way with him. I desperately wish it did.
cinema-rubbing her Geni lamp and wishing
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
Your H made several blunders that any grad of Love 101 would have avoided. I'm not sure I fared much better. I made V-day into a family thing, so the gifts were from the kids as well as me.
I guess I should have known what was coming when I didn't get sex ** on my wedding night **. Yes, it had been a tough day, but jeez.
? Are there any kind of fantasy scenarios that turn you on?