OK, so how is me being secretive about where I am and have been going to make him want to give up the OW?
Soccermom, if you keep your situation on one thread... yours... it will make it easier for others to read through and post. Just a suggestion.
Sherry gave you a good explanation. It's not that your being "secretive" flips a switch that makes the WAS dump their affair partner.
There are three basic ways people act when they're in our situation that I can think of. 1. They draw lines, get righteously indignant. 2. They cry, plead, beg, grovel, promise to make unheard of changes, any change at all. 3. They use the methods found in books like DR.
The first method makes the couple adversaries. It fuels negativity on both sides. The "left behind" spouse (LBS) becomes cynical, bitter, resentful. And stays that way, even possibly sabotaging the possibility of any future relationship with anyone.
The second method pushes the "walk away" spouse (WAS) away. The LBS's behavior is looked at with pity, not love. The LBS is seen as a needy, clingy person who is more concerned with their loss of their partner than they are of the partner.
The first two methods are practically guaranteed to lose your spouse forever.
To better your chances at attracting your spouse back, begin with the premise that your relationship had become an environment that influenced your spouse to be unhappy. In seeking relief for his unhappiness, he thinks he's found it in an affair partner. Now, please understand that nothing really excuses what he did. And practicing "DB" does not mean you're excusing his behavior or condoning it. However, it is the nature of this beast that all the effort will be on your shoulders, and much of what you'll need to do will seem unfair. Much of it will be counterintuitive and not feel right. You see, the first two methods feel absolutely right to the LBS, but "feeling right" doesn't make them effective.
Very likely there were problems in your marriage. You contributed to those problems. He contributed to those problems. Some LBSs balk at the thought that their marriage was problematic. Let go of pride if that's the case. You need to understand what the problems were, and how you contributed to them. This is important for several reasons. First, if you don't learn better relationship skills, you will likely carry the same problems into your next relationship. Secondly, to attract the WAS back, you need to get rid of what it was on your part that influenced him so. This is a growth process, and you will be better for it. In a way, this is the silver lining in this gray cloud.
There is an emotional upheaval, as you already know, that you will go through. It's been likened by many as being as a roller coaster. This is normal. Expect that you will feel despair and anxiety. Get professional help if you need it. Your mind and body are responding to a trauma. Chemicals are being pumped throughout your body to "flee or fight". That's why you can't sleep at night... your body is on alert. that's why you lose weight... your body is preserving its energies and keeping you ready. That's why your senses seem a bit improved, your body is on alert. That's why your mind is obsessed on him... your mind is being focused.
It is necessary, for your mental health foremost, that you start rebuilding your life. Your focus must be on you. In rebuilding your life, you continue to work, exercise (it has a positive mental effect, and you must take care of yourself), pursue interests, perhaps things you've always wanted to do: take a class, join a group, volunteer, take up a sport, join a gym, take yoga... the more you can fill up your life with things to do, the less impact your H will have on you. And that will also help you practice becoming detached. Detachment is an emotional disconnect from H pushing your buttons. In effect, you consider your spouse to be a good friend, and treat your spouse as you would a good friend, and do not think of your spouse as your spouse. So, for example, when he hugs you, you don't think, "WTF???". You just accept the hug, as you would if a good friend hugged you. This detachment will save you emotional turmoil. It doesn't mean you do not love your H. You continue to be loving, but indifferent to what he says and does.
Believe nothing that he says that is out of character for him. Anything he says about "never coming back" or not loving you or anything like that, it is only the way he thinks at the moment, and it is based on feelings. Feelings change. He loved you once and changed his mind. He can change his mind again.
The more you can become detached and get a life (GAL), the happier you will become. At first, you won't feel happy. You must "act as if" you are happy, and soon, the feelings will follow. You will intentionally build a positive mental attitude (PMA). It is imperative that you always display that PMA when in contact with your spouse. NEVER vent in front of him. ALWAYS agree with him, even if you don't agree. DO NOT give him all the details of your new life.
When you are doing all this, it is not unusual for the spouse, now not contending with you arguing about the A and making demands that he stop calling the OW and all, will have his mind freed from those positions that such LBS behavior keeps him focused on, and will start to think about you. You want to become the person he once fell in love with, but better. You want to become the better option. You may never know what he saw in the OP, but know this: the OP is NOT fighting with him or pressuring him. The OP is acting happy around him. This is why YOU must beam positivity. No one wants to be around a sad sack.
The idea is then to have your WAS reflect on you, and as you feed them many moments of positive pleasant experiences, their negative feelings, in time, dissipate, and the positives come to the fore. With the LBS having become a more interesting and bettered person, the LBS gains personally from this. The LBS becomes a more attractive person, not just to the WAS, but to anyone. So whether the relationship is restored or not, the LBS comes out ahead. Time is your friend. Patience and consistency are needed.
I hope I've succeeded in laying out the primary basics herein for you to have a better understanding of them, and really, also for any others that sadly find themselves here.
