I can't say that I have hated my H. I have had feelings of indifference, like I really don't care one way or the other what happens. Sometimes I get angry, too.
Sun, I am finding the more I detach and don't concern myself with H, the easier it is to just not worry about him. I can't really explain it. Maybe I am finally GAL and moving on with or without H. I know I will make it no matter what. I have backed way off. I rarely phone, text, or email him unless he does first and I am getting better at cutting it off first (beating him at his own game ). I don't bother him at home, either. Last night when I folded clothes, I could have done it in the living room where he was but I didn't, I went to our bedroom. I haven't brought up ow or R talk in looong time. I am giving him a lot of space right now. I think that may be paying off a little. I think he has noticed the pressure is off and hopefully he is noticing my 180s too. I also have very little expectations from H. Anything he does positive is a nice surprise and I don't place too much emphasis on it.
Today for example, I texted him about dinner. I used to say what I was doing then ask him if he was coming or ask what he wanted to do. Lately I just text him my plans and do not call or wait on him. Today, I just texted--pretty day taking the kids to Chuys or Willie's to eat outside. That was all. I ran an errand then went. When I got to the resteraunt he called and wanted to know which place I had decided on. When I got off the phone I noticed I had missed 2 other calls and he had left 3 vms. The first vm he actually apologized for not getting my text right away and explained why. Go figure.
I am not taking too much stock in this. Just moving on with my life.
Quote: I hate that I feel like I'm "okaying" his calling this OW by letting him stay here.
I don't think what we are doing is "okaying" the continuation of R with ow. I believe we are trying to fix what is wrong with our M and we have to step back and give our H's space and time. Unfortunately there was a reason our H's did what they did. I am not saying it is right or justified. But, we have to be the ones to fight right now. If we do it right we might actually save our families and M. It is a long and hard battle we are in. It takes time and patience. We have good days and bad days.
Do what the book and people here on the board suggest. You have to take your focus off your H and the ow. I know from experience if you keep bringing up the ow, R, or get emotional it pushes them away. At one point my H was touching me and trying to some extent but I kept crying, bringing up R talks, and ow. Now he barely touches me and just now is making baby steps as I have been mentioning in my thread. I wish I could go back and change it but I can't. It took me awhile to get here and I still question all this, too.
Getting A Life (GAL) and detaching has really helped me. I think my H is beginning to see that I am becoming independent and not so needy or dependent on him. I do things and make choices now without asking him.
H's grandfather died tonight. It is so sad when you look at your H of 12 years and don't know whether to try and comfort him or not.
I guess now I am just worried that he will turn to ow for support. I know I can't control what he does, but I was just starting to feel good again and seeing some baby steps.
Basically that is what I have done, treated him as a friend. I told him I was sorry and just listened. Later when he came to bed I asked if I could give him a hug and he said yeah. So I did. That was it.
Sorry to hear about H's grandfather. You did the right thing and were there for him. That is what a wife and a friend would do. I know you are not sure how to act sometimes. I feel that way too. Normally I would hug and kiss H everyday, now I dont. I want to but dont because it doesnt feel like he wants that from me right now. Just keep being a friend and doing as you have been doing. I admire how well you are doing and am trying to get to that place too.
Sorry, I haven't checked in on you in a few days. I think you handled that exceptionally. As you know, my W finally moved out last Saturday and I've got to say it doesn't hurt all that much. I think that now that she is not under my nose all the time, I find myself not thinking about what she's doing or who she's with. I will say that I think you are still in a better position with your H in the house.
Keep doing the good things that you do. You are a very astute person and I look forward to your posts. They help me a lot. Please come visit and get caught up with my week!!!
). I don't bother him at home, either. Last night when I folded clothes, I could have done it in the living room where he was but I didn't, I went to our bedroom. I haven't brought up ow or R talk in looong time.