Quote: I have also asked him to leave a few times when I have been very upset and he has basically refused. I told him the last time, you know one day it won't be your choice but mine.
I don't know at this point. There are days when I just get tired of all this. I watch him and think how can you do this to me.
Hi, Sherry. I understand what you mean. My H used to pretty much do the same to me. In the past, he would do and say things to really upset and hurt me, and when I would tell him that I was sick and tired of it, he would say, "You won't leave me" or "You won't kick me out. You love me too much." I hate to say it, but he was right. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
After reading your post, it reminded me of one of NY's replies where he spoke of the "safety net." I think my H had always felt very secure because of the safety net I provided for him, but when the A came out in the open, and after reading DR and listening to other people's insights, I realized I had to take the net away if I wanted to see a change. In my case, I'm glad to say it worked in my favor.
It IS your choice, Sherry. With what your H is doing (still seeing the OW while remaining with you from what I've read), I can't see how it could possibly be his choice.
Do you have family or friends around who would be willing to give you a hand with the kids? Maybe plan a day where the kids can go do something for the day and/or night with Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, etc. and while they're gone, plan something for yourself or with friends. I never really had a life outside of this house. All the responsibilities of the house and kids fell on me, too, but as soon as I was able to take my kids to a relative's house for the night, I got on the phone and called up some friends I haven't seen in a long time. We made arrangements to go out, and when my H called to see what I was up to and I told him I was going out (remembering to be vague), it's like a switch was flipped! My H used to call me only once a day if at all when he was away for work, but after I took the net away, he was calling me at least 4 times throughout the day!
I'm not saying this will work for you, but anything's worth a shot, right?
Good luck, hon. If I'm able to be strong and do this, anyone can! Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
