I agree with unsure...You are doing a good job even if you dont think you are. YOu have come a long way in a short time. Keep up the friendly detachment. H is responding little by little.
Okay, I have a question, some insight and advice would be appreciated.
After a very frustrating day, gone almost 12 hours before coming home, working, having and dealing with the kids before and after work, dealing with doctor and prescription problem, getting groceries, putting groceries away, making dinner, bathing D(4). Didn't bother H with groceries because he hates going (like I love it).
I keep wondering if I am making this too easy for H.
He is at home without too many responsibilities. He maintains his R (ea) with ow. I am trying to detach and GAL. But I don't know. GAL is hard with most of the responsibility of the kids falling on me.
I guess I am wondering at this point if this will continue indefinately because H has a safety net with me being home. He is getting what he needs from ow and from me.
Has he talked about leaving or is he planning to stay there while continuing the A? I've not been clear on that. As far as you go, I think you're doing the right things. Keep it up. My mother used to have a saying "Pee or get off the pot". As in H either stay or take the EA and move on. I know that's not what you're doing now and rightly so, but only you will know when it's time to give him the Dodger's Mom line.
BTW, please check out my last post over on my thread. I'm curious to see what you think.
I don't have too much time to post but think about this. You have mentioned that you have always done most of the household chores and taking care of the kids....What would be a 180 for you in this regard? Think about it and get back to me!
well Sherry, on the one hand, I HATE it that he gets his cake and eat it too, but on the other hand, every minute he is still THERE is another chance you get to save your M, if that is what you want. If you are DB-ing, and doing it for you, that is great. I truly believe that everyone has this imaginary "line", and once it is crossed, you will have no trouble detaching, or detaching him from your home, if need be! At this point his EA is a big draw. Sometimes I think EA's are worse than just the PA. EA's pull at the emotions, thats what makes your head get messed up. The emotions tell you we're in love, when its really just an overblown crush, or they are in rescue mode, or its the work bond, whatever.You need to keep getting a life for you. Sometimes , if the spouse sees that what they are doing is allowing YOU to possibly get a better life, it takes the wind out of their A, and if they still love you, they will start to worry that you are moving on right in front of them!
No my H has not talked about leaving. Actually, he will sometimes tell me when I bring things up, I am here doesn't that tell you something. I have told him, NO, I don't understand why you are still here. I have also asked him to leave a few times when I have been very upset and he has basically refused. I told him the last time, you know one day it won't be your choice but mine. He says he can't end it with ow, it would be like cutting off an arm. He says he can't leave me.???
I don't know at this point. There are days when I just get tired of all this. I watch him and think how can you do this to me. All the daily responsibilities get to me and I feel like I am all alone. So I think what would be so different with him gone.
Tonight, he actually asked me if something was wrong. I just nodded no, didn't even look at him as I answered. I wanted to scream, yes you idiot something has been wrong for 3 months.
Then I see what may be considered a baby step, I don't know anymore. We watch NYPD Blue. Tonight was the last episode. Before it was a retrospect of the show. We started watching it together in our bedroom. I was bathing D(4) in our bathroom. Then he left to go feed the dog and stayed in the living room. I decided not to follow him out there when I finished with D. At the end of the retrospect, H came back and woke me up ( I had dozed) and said "you want to come out here and watch it?"
I know we can't take too much stock in anything. I don't know if I am seeing baby steps and I need to keep moving forward. Or if I am making it worse by letting it continue.
I know there will come a point when I say enough is enough. I am already stronger and not as afraid of that moment as I was a few weeks ago.
Sorry for the rambling. Hard, long, stressful, confusing day. Sherry
I am not sure about a 180 in this area. When I don't do things, they pretty much do not get done. I have let things go and he doesn't pitch in. This has been an issue for us. He says he doesn't see what needs to be done. Hello, you don't see the dishes stacked in the sink. If I fall asleep before the kids are taken care of at night (and that usually only happens when I am sick) he will step in and take care of them.
I guess a 180 would be to ask him to help (nicely, of course).
Michele says to ask for what you want. So a 180 would not only be to ask for help, but be specific, how exactly he can help, so that your request isn't answered in a roundabout fashion.
Quote: I have also asked him to leave a few times when I have been very upset and he has basically refused. I told him the last time, you know one day it won't be your choice but mine.
I don't know at this point. There are days when I just get tired of all this. I watch him and think how can you do this to me.
Hi, Sherry. I understand what you mean. My H used to pretty much do the same to me. In the past, he would do and say things to really upset and hurt me, and when I would tell him that I was sick and tired of it, he would say, "You won't leave me" or "You won't kick me out. You love me too much." I hate to say it, but he was right. I couldn't bring myself to do it.
After reading your post, it reminded me of one of NY's replies where he spoke of the "safety net." I think my H had always felt very secure because of the safety net I provided for him, but when the A came out in the open, and after reading DR and listening to other people's insights, I realized I had to take the net away if I wanted to see a change. In my case, I'm glad to say it worked in my favor.
It IS your choice, Sherry. With what your H is doing (still seeing the OW while remaining with you from what I've read), I can't see how it could possibly be his choice.
Do you have family or friends around who would be willing to give you a hand with the kids? Maybe plan a day where the kids can go do something for the day and/or night with Grandma, Grandpa, cousins, etc. and while they're gone, plan something for yourself or with friends. I never really had a life outside of this house. All the responsibilities of the house and kids fell on me, too, but as soon as I was able to take my kids to a relative's house for the night, I got on the phone and called up some friends I haven't seen in a long time. We made arrangements to go out, and when my H called to see what I was up to and I told him I was going out (remembering to be vague), it's like a switch was flipped! My H used to call me only once a day if at all when he was away for work, but after I took the net away, he was calling me at least 4 times throughout the day!
I'm not saying this will work for you, but anything's worth a shot, right?
Good luck, hon. If I'm able to be strong and do this, anyone can! Thanks for listening.
Valerie
"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." ~ author unknown
As you know both you and I are kind of in the same boat. MY H has told me has was moving out, but he has not. That was a month ago. I agree with JV that we are providing a safety net here. My H only used to threaten leaving or D when he was mad at my constant pressure of the sitch. If I leave him alone about it he stays. But stays for what? You say you dont want to give up OW, and in my case H does not touch me AT all, so why stay. Go be happy somewhere else. But at the same time I want him here. But then I hate him. I am sure you go through that same range of emotions on a daily basis. I struggle with this all the time, if I continue like this it is like I am ok with the sitch and I am not. But what do you do...keep detaching. Does that send a message like you dont care and dont want the R? It could, or it could send the message that you are moving on without him and he really doesnt want that either. This is so hard, confusing and unfair. I dont have the answers, for now keep up what you are doing and we can re-evaluate the change in a few weeks. That is my plan for right now. I havent said anything about him being there, or fixing our M. I am just there, friendly but not trying to fix anything. I do feel the brunt of the responsibilites at home and to beat I have taken on the job of shoveling the snow, taking out the garbage, etc. Now what does he do? NOTHING. But if and when H moves out, I know I will be able to take care of things on my own. So if anything we will become stronger women for this.
Stay strong Sherry, I know how you feel. I will check back later Sun
