Pretty much have been an emotional mess this week. It all came out last night when H was not home when I got home. Third night he has been late with no call or a call that he is on his way home.
Today hasn't been any better. I hope this is hormonal and I can pull out of it. I am not sure what to do at this point. Do not know whether to continue this or not. Right now there is not much fight in me.
I am seriously considering moving without H. We have been here about a year and a half. The move was for H. I don't have too many friends here, no family, and no church family. It sucks going through this away from family and friends. Sometimes I feel sooo alone.
If I move then I would be close to my mom who would be a tremendous help with this whole thing (she does not know right now) and with the kids. I would actually get a break and could get a life.
I have been thinking about this because I want to transfer schools. I thought I had until the end of March to decide if I want to transfer within my district or move and transfer out. If I transfer within district I stay here and work on M. If I transfer out, I give up and move on. We got info on Friday, that inner district transfer can apply at the beginning of March.
Problem is moving my classroom is a huge undertaking (we used a U-haul last time). I don't want to move it this year in district then have H pull the rug out from under me and have to move again the following year to be close to family and friends. I have decide if H leaves I will move back. Nothing to keep me here.
H is very confused. In all this, I did get some info from him. He doesn't know if he is emotionally ready for any R or would be any good for anyone right now. I think I did validate him at this point. I told him I understood and I thought he could be there for someone, I just did not give him what he needed emotionally. I think at this point he is afraid to mess up with ow and afraid to continue with me for fear that things will go back to what they were. He thinks the last 12 years were terrible and nothing good happened. He does notice what I am doing, but won't tell me if it helps or not. He will not end ea either, pretty much refuses to stop talking to ow.
Sorry for the rambling, it is pretty much how my brain and heart feel right now.
