While hoping and trying for the best, but preparing for the worst, I put together this letter in case our M does end. What do you think of it?
L-,
With your now leaving a chapter of both our lives comes to a definite end. We cannot continue any sort of relationship now – in any form – since you have knowingly destroyed all that which was dearest to me – our love, our marriage, our family, our home.
You have been terrible these last years – I think you know that – selfish, unfriendly, uncharitable, irritable, intolerant. I have not enjoyed those times. I have tried to respond with firm kindness, endless patience and respect for your space, hoping that you would find something left in your heart that could have led to a different solution other than this drastic rupture, this for all our sakes – the children’s, mine, even yours – but you have made your decision. So be it. It is not my choice. Your egotistic actions have permanently hurt -, - (our children) and me. Cut, bleed, cry, scar – my profuse thanks.
Your actions show that your word – spoken three times ! – means nothing and that you cannot be trusted. I will treat you accordingly. (We married three times, each time for a different reason).
Any communication in the future between us, which I want kept to an absolute minimum, will be depersonalized by computer on my side, removing any trace of personal style. You will cease to exist, as much as possible, for me and I will attempt to remove you from my memories.
You have been the absolute best and the absolute worst in my life. They say all is well that ends well – too bad it ended on the latter.
Yours,
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
WOW! I don't know your story. If you point me in to the right place, I will read it if it's posted.
Again, WOW! Your words cut like a knife. Probably like the knife that has been stuck in your back by your S. What response are you expecting/hoping for/wanting from this?
DON"T, I repeat, DON"T send this letter. If you've learned anything from this site it is to remain friendly throughout. I don't know where to begin but I can assure there is not one sentence that conveys Divorce Busting in your letter. Go to Main Index and read all the articles like WAW, How long to wait, 180s etc,
I think the letter is great its all the things i would love to say and i think i already have said some of them...BUT I Wouldn't send it..ITs just how you feel right now..Never do anything out of anger its only going to lead to something bad..But i do agree that is how i feel also...GOOD LUCK
Tear it up - don't send anything. If at some point you are definitely NOT ever going to speak with her, maybe a very short note is okay. I know its hard not to write anything, but write them and post them here, or dump the notes.
Thanks for all your reactions. The consensus was to not send this letter. I very probably won’t – though it is an accurate reflection of my feelings – it is just that Dbing for nearly 3 years now takes it toll… The letter had two goals – to focus/express my feelings somewhere (your support here is great to have) and to have a prepared reaction should the worst come to happen.
The situation, my wife turned 40 and starts talking about how good a change would be, how being married 20 years is too long, etc. Her dad died of cancer and divorced about a year before his death; my wife (and she takes after him temperamentally) thinks she may suffer the same fate. Since then, there have been yearly bombs, usually in the spring or summer, but we still live together. About a year ago, she left our bed and hasn’t been back, now referring to it as ‘your bed’. Also, and maybe worse, she since then hardly ever touches me in any way. Finally, recently she hinted that she would have no time for a family vacation this summer, but it seemed fine when I said I might take the kids away for a week. And we all just had a very nice time in Italy in November!
The whole thing feels like a rational program of gradual separation is controlling her actions (how unnatural to hardly ever touch someone!). We do have occasional letups (while skating today, she came to me and held on to me as a stopping point). Her avowed course of action is “finish the house, get a job and leave” (we are renovating an old house).
I have given her space (though I feel it is my responsibility to handle the kitchen, to contribute equally to the running of the household, and so do most of the cooking), suggested she go to the city (alone) when she wants, etc. I do bring her tea in the mornings and support her by taking the kids when possible. My job, unfortunately, sometimes has me traveling for anywhere between a day and a few weeks at a time, to far away places where I can’t help with the family.
I followed a counselor’s suggestion a while ago and asked her to please tell me how I had screwed things up, hoping that this would flush out the bad feelings. It didn’t; rather she repeated that I was "not strong enough, never fought back and too like my mother", and that finally she ‘didn’t care’. My wife is a dominant, assertive, talkative, sociable, competitive, judgmental, hard working person; I am less in each category. So now I try to conscientiously be assertive, humor her, be sociable, etc. She doesn’t believe in marriage, ‘can’t imagine celebrating a 50th anniversary’.
My new year’s goal for this year has been to DB to the max. It sure is hard sometimes to maintain my PMA in the face of this seemingly decided course of action on her part. I also hate the idea of taking a vacation without her, but maybe this is part of the LRT. A ‘single dad traveling with kids’, what a deeply depressing thought.
So Dbing has been to support her, at least by helping around the house and with the kids, giving her space, and relying on some spark of (hidden) feeling in her to rescue us from this seemingly preordained emotional death. Rational discussion seems futile.
Would you have any suggestions on how to DB given this background?
***
A very different question: what would you think of a relationship difficulty related creative writing forum on the DB website – I imagine we all produce something that might be put there? The letter was a bit in that vein.
Much obliged to you all -
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
Phew! Strong words, and I have certainly been there where I have let rip and it was very satisfying, temporarily, but I used it as shock treatment - had nothing to lose. We are now working on our M - uphill battle.
We all have to do what feels right to us. However, I wouldn't send the letter - or anything that's in writing.
Good luck with DB'ing 2005.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Thanks - yeah, giving my wife this in writing is too permanent. It is funny how you want the uncertainty to end, though, and so even a definite bad ending seems better sometimes. Talk about patience being needed, though, this whole business has been going on for 2-1/2 years now (see previous longer post for details).
We had thieves break into our garage 2 days ago, at 6 in the morning, and I rushed out in my pajamas and confronted them. Luckily we live in town and so the neighbors saw what was going on and called the police (who came too late). I think my wife saw my assertive reaction and it seems like I gained some respect for this. Unfortunately there were two of them versus my wife and myself, so they got away. At least they took nothing.
My wife's girlfriend and working colleague is coming next week. Last time she was here I cooked my posterior off, taking this off their shoulders. Will probably do the same this time, though given the non-pursuing in LRT will try to tone it down somewhat. Does that seem appropriate?
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
I tried to post you after reading your letter but something crashed..Typical of my life these days
I agree witht the consensus..I wish I could count on my hands how many times I wrote a letter to H and deleted it. Sometimes, I actually sent it and forgot to unsend it the next day.. Whoops
My sitch H ( to be 40 in a few weeks, how ironic?) left in Sept S 10 D 7 Living with OW since then Tried to reconcile in Dec Tried again in Jan Came home last week and left again on Mon Told kids he loved OW yesterday Toldl me he loved me two weeks ago OW barged in my house two weeks ago to "catch me and H" I wasn't home, thank God OW checks his emails, cell and is insanely jeoulous of me DUH! H told me it was over this week H told me he wanted to try last week H told me was sick of carrying the load around here yesterday H told me he wanted to pursue his hopes and dreams That life was too short.
My sitch..I am under a couple posts in MLC
Good for you for scaring those robbers away! Go boy..
Space, my friend, space..Is all I can say.
Let your wife flounder right now..Sounds like you are one helluva catch so it's her loss.
Keep up the PMA
Hey, if you don't want to cook for her GF's, how bout coming to NJ and we'll have a party here instead? WE can toast these WAS and eat till we pass out!
Whoops