I am so desperate to change things for my husband and I. We have been married almost 6 years. We have gone from ML four or five times a week to 1 every three months or so. I have tried meds to bring my LD up but they didn't work. So, I decided to try and just do it because I was supposed to feel more sexual the more I did it. Problem is, I didn't. I think, I'm not sexually attracted to my husband. When he touches me I don't feel anything. Even when he kisses me I pull away because it feel like kissing a stranger. It's not that I don't feel sexual desire, I have an active sexual fantasy life, it's that I don't feel it for him. Why has my feelings changed so much?
I spent the better half of my young adulthood hopping from bed to bed trying vainly to convince myself that if I had sex with someone then I would be important to them. Finally, at some point I decided that I wasn't going to do that anymore and went on a five year celibacy. When DH and I met he showered me with the attention and caring that I was longing for. I made the decision that this was the person that I was going to share myself with. Everything was great for about two years. Then slowly, DH stopped the little things that I loved. No more notes, no more flowers, no more taking me to dinner. When I would ask him if there was a reason why he no longer did these things he would say he "just doesn't think about it". I felt myself shutting down. I have explained to him I need these things to feel close to him, to feel like I really matter. He said he would try and remember but it's like I might get a flower one evening and then he immediately expects to ML that night. Then the next week he'll say "see I tried and it didn't work."
So back to my original problem. I decided to open myself up to ML more often and felt nada. I didn't get aroused. He kept wanting to know what I wanted him to do. All I could think, is "get it over with" because I wasn't into it at all (I didn't tell him that I just told him "I don't know"). All the things that used to turn me on don't work anymore. I kept this up for about three months until he finally said something about me just lying there. First, I get yelled at because we weren't having sex enough, now I'm yelled at because I'm not doing it right. What am I supposed to do if I don't feel anything? Why is he so angry at me? What am I supposed to do now? Why is it so crazy that I'm not sexually attracted to my husband anymore? I mean there are others in my life that I used be sexually attracted to and now I'm not. Does not being attracted to your spouse mean you don't really love him?
Since he is no longer meeting your needs, you are not meeting his needs for sexual fulfillment. You BOTH need to change. You are also probably suffering from low testosterone, and also from the normal LD crash after the newness of a relationship wears off. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN UNTIL YOU FIX THE PROBLEM!!!!!!!!!!! Children only make the situation worse!!!!
Quote: Does not being attracted to your spouse mean you don't really love him?
From the female perspective, this does not always mean you do not love your husband. But from the MALE perspective, yes, you are definitely telling your husband through your actions that you DO NOT LOVE him. Just a warning, DO NOT EVER TELL A MAN YOU FIND HIM UNATTRACTIVE. That is something you may NEVER be able to fix with him, even if things improve. (I should know, I am the unattractive man in my house). Even if you can corect your sex drive down the road, he may never believe that you have fixed it because of what you have said to him in the past.
We already have children, two of them and yes they do stress the relationship also. I would never tell him I am not attracted to him, I know how that feels. On our wedding night he decided to tell me that now that we are married, he would like me to "work on my thighs" that he'd like them smaller. It was terrible. Something I have never forgotten nor totally gotten over. No matter how upset I may be with him, I wouldn't want him to feel that way. I talked to my Dr. about the low testosterone at one time and was told that I could start supplements but that I would probably gain significant weight and grow facial hair. Side effects that I wasn't sure I wanted to have but if anyone has info on this type of treatment I'd appreciate it. I'd like to be able to just want him again like I used to.
Have you ever enjoyed sex just for the sake of sex or have you always "used" sex as a means to achieve a feeling of "importance" in a relationship? Do you feel like you are "important" as an individual outside of any relationship? I think one of the trickiest things all of us on the BB are trying to figure out is where to draw the line between what you need to do for yourself in terms of developing self-esteem and what you should be able to fairly expect from your relationship in that regard. What is happening in your sexual fantasy life that isn't happening in your relationship? Do you think your H should enjoy having sex with you if you don't enjoy having sex with him?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I'm sorry if I sounded a bit harsh in my previous post. I'm a HD spouse but I really do want to help you by sharing my point of view. Here's what I'm trying to convey- Maybe your H really is sexually unattractive for a variety of reasons, maybe he says cruel things, or forgets to buy flowers, or leaves the toilet seat up or put on 20 lbs. or neglects to brush his teeth etc. OTH, maybe your expectations are too high. What would your reaction be if your H said something like "I refuse to continue in a sex deprived relationship. There are plenty of women who would be happy to be sexually involved with a guy like me.". Would you think "No that's not true. Most women would not be sexually attracted to you for reasons x,y and z." or would you be kind of frightened and think " That's probably true. I better try and figure out why I'm not attracted to a handsome Prince Charming like you or I might find you've moved on to another princess.". Probably the truth lies somewhere in between. Communication is the key. You need to let your H know about the x,y and z reasonable reasons you might find him unattractive and you need to work on dealing with any unreasonable expectations you might have regarding your H and sex in general.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Hi CCC, Your situation sounds similar to me. I think of myself as HD. I WANT a sex life. I have an active fantasy life. My SO doesn't bring on those tingly feelings anymore. Sex is so natural and easy with the tingly feelings. "Just do it" didn't bring on more tingly feelings for me either. I want to and have blamed him for not producing those tingly feelings in me. Doesn't initiate right. Doesn't do what I want him to do. Isn't forceful or powerful enough. Asks too many questions.
I think he's in the same place I am. We both want to blame the other for not making us feel all tingly from the start. Not responding with enough enthusiasm. Not having enough desire for the other.
My SO and I would probably disagree over who is the HD one ! Neither one of us wants to stop having a sex life. We just both want to be the one who starts off with the tingly feelings. We both want to feel desire FIRST. We both resent possibly being someone who experiences desire after arousal. That wasn't the way it was in the beginning. We both started with desire. Maybe we don't experience the desire that might come after arousal because of the resentment over having to start without desire. We both want to be seduced more that do the seducing. We both want to be the one who is so attractive to the other that they can't keep help themselves. It's our similarities that are the problem not the differences!
Sex isn't the way we want it to be so it must be the other person's fault!
I see your point about trying to find out why I am not attracted to him. H is not a bad guy in anyway, he is a great dad and good provider. I am just not seeing him as a lover anymore. One thing when I think back to what attracted me to him was he was so assertive and confident. I really felt taken care of when I was around him. I knew that if I needed something he was always there to support me. Now, I feel like I am the dominant one in our marriage. I make all the decisions and hold a lot of the responsibility and I'm not always comfortable with it. I don't know how it happened but over time it did. I think I have lost a lot of my confidence in him. Sometimes, I wonder if there were truly a crisis would he step in and handle it. For example, last year I had to make the decision to have surgery or not (not life threatening, just something that would make me more comfortable). I opted not to have the surgery because I didn't have the confidence that he would help me out during my recovery. The only thing I can base future behavior on is past behavior and he has let me down before so until I see a pattern on consistancy, I will have my doubts.
So, in six years he went from being someone who went out and got what he wanted to this "nice guy" who lets the world lead him around. I guess I just don't respect him much. That is such a terrible thing to say.
So maybe not respecting him as a man has led me to not feeling attracted to him?
Quote: So maybe not respecting him as a man has led me to not feeling attracted to him?
Maybe. Do you think that you might be more attracted to him if he at least had the self-respect to indicate in a mature fashion that he would no longer tolerate being in a relationship in which his sexual needs weren't being met? I guess I'm asking this because my low drive H seems to always get turned on when I get fed-up enough to say something like "Fine. You don't want me. There are plenty who will.". It seems to me that he is actually turned-on by my self-confidence in indicating this rather than feeling frightened into having sex because I might leave him. What if your H suddenly started a program of self-improvement, for instance, started working out or went for a promotion at work- would this turn you on? Do you think he needs to put more time/effort into your relationship to improve things or do you think he needs to put more time/effort into his own self worth to improve things? Is he too much of a jerk or too much of a wimp to turn you on? I know my problem was mostly that I was too wimpy but other HD types have discovered that they were mostly too jerky. In either case, since you are the spouse who is seeking help on this BB, you are the one who needs to be brave and confront your spouse about what specifically he might do to improve the situation. Of course, you need to figure that out for yourself first.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
No, I don't think that him threatening me would make me feel the attraction. In fact I have at times told him to go ahead and find someone else, take the pressure off of me. Then I will go find someone else to feel my needs.
On the other hand, he's been talking about going for a promotion at work for years but has yet to finish the required classes, etc. It absolutely drives me crazy. No one is going to hand him a promotion. So, yes if he were to step up, I would probably be more attracted to him. I really do want to be married to a Man, not a little boy.
How do you explain that to him without screwing up his self esteem anymore?
Quote: How do you explain that to him without screwing up his self esteem anymore?
Good question. Maybe I'm not the best person to give advice. For years, my H blamed his low sex drive on the fact that I was overweight. I didn't believe him because I was still reasonably attractive but finally I got desperate enough to just go ahead and do it. The problem is now that I lost the weight I sometimes feel like I don't want to be with someone who didn't want me just because I was a bit overweight. I don't respect him because it seems so superficial and I don't trust him because I figure if being overweight turned him off, he'll probably be turned off by wrinkles some day too. Besides, now that I've lost the weight he complains about things like the way I wear my hair.
What I'm trying to say is that even if your H went for the promotion and that actually did turn you on, he might feel resentful that he had to go to such trouble to turn you on. He might feel like you will always be dangling sex in front of him like a carrot he needs to work for.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
! Neither one of us wants to stop having a sex life. We just both want to be the one who starts off with the tingly feelings. We both want to feel desire FIRST. We both resent possibly being someone who experiences desire after arousal. That wasn't the way it was in the beginning. We both started with desire. Maybe we don't experience the desire that might come after arousal because of the resentment over having to start without desire. We both want to be seduced more that do the seducing. We both want to be the one who is so attractive to the other that they can't keep help themselves. It's our similarities that are the problem not the differences!