Here are parts of an email that my sister sent me. I have told her about DR and she understands the princilples but has never read it. It makes me feel better when I read it and it can apply to alot of people here. Some is specific to my sitch but it may apply to others with internet affairs. Hope you can take something from it.
Quote: ow is just a play toy. She is not a contender. I would be beyond shocked if he left you for her. There relationship is cheap and built on immaturity. If he would stop to figure out what is real in life and what is really bothering him I don't think ow would fit in his plans.
Quote: I think H has lost some respect for himself. ow doesn't hold a candle to you. She acts desperate in my opinion. I can only imagine having an email relationship with a married man who is supposedly a long time friend and send the types of pictures she has. That would make me feel really low. She must not think much of herself. And if she knew what H was really up to (and if she stopped and really looked at it, she would) why in the world would she pursue this? There is absolutely nothing in it for her. H moving and taking you and the kids should tell her all she needs to know. I hate to say this but we already know a woman like this, X. Dating a married man for how many years who is never going to leave his wife. And why should he, he has both of them. I asked her once why she allowed herself to be used in such a fashion and she agreed that there is a no self-respect in this picture.
Yeah, I don't believe in ultimatums either but sometimes people only respond when they have no other choice. That's why I hope he figures this out on his own.
Just remember this ,Unsure, you are above this situation and I mean that. You are not the one stooping so low as to conduct yourself the way is. You are not stomping on peoples feelings, lying and acting as though you are better than anyone. So keep your principles, act like you have been and DONT buy into the blame game. His problem(s) far exceed anything you might have done in the past. I'm not saying he is hopeless but he certainly needs to get his head on straight and act like a solid respectable person.
Quote: As far as H and you, most people in life make foolish decisions from time to time. That's how I look at H's choices right now. It doesn't make him all bad. The test will be whether he decides to address it and stop it. I've made mistakes, you have, everyone has. We think we are invisible at the time and that no one can see it or judge it but the reality is they can. I look back and know I made dumb decisions and to this day I can't honestly say that I know why I did some things. I just know that I won't be doing them again. So I think thats when forgiveness can start when you see that he has made the right choice. Trust comes later.
Thanks for that post. I am new to this whole thing. I have a very hard time thinking that my husband is with these ow. I have posted over on seperated a few times. We have three kids(9,6,4) and my husband left in Oct. I found out Nov. that he started sleeping with OW. First one lasted 2 months and is now on to another co-worker. We had our first talk since Nov. 2 days ago. He told me that he doesn't regret his choice at all. He also told me that the boys do not need to know about the OW, because they are just little chicks. He stated that he has know respect for women and that he will "never" love again. He told me that was because of me. He told me that I need to go find someone else and get over it. Sometimes I wish I could, but I miss him so much. He has changed into someone that I don't know and enjoys going out and things he never enjoyed before. He said he has changed into a single guy and left his married lifestyle behind. I pray that this OW fades as fast as the other. I dropped off the kids clothes this am and her car was out side of his house. It took everthing I had not to throw a rock threw both of there windows. How can I make him realize what he threw away. He is so cold to me. He has justified in his own mind that all his unhappyness is because of me.I feel like I am losing hope. I know it has only been three months, but it seems like he is completely done forever. He hasn't filed yet, but I told him to when we talked the other day, because that what he wants.
If you don't want it (D) make him do all the work. Don't do anything except protect yourself with the money. Take care of you and the boys. Let him do evrything else and sign nothing with out a Lawyer looking at it nothing.
I am sure that the email made you feel better about how you have handled yourself through this sitch and it should. No matter what happens in your sitch, you have done what you needed to do and have made changes for you. So dont forget that! Our spouses are stomping on peoples feelings, both yours and the OW. The OW is well aware of the sitch and just cant say anything about it...The OW are smart in that manner because they know the reason our H's are not with us is that wives can be nags. SO OW has to be perfect...And sit there and take it, even if they dont like it.
I was thinking about the people I have known over the years that have cheated and it dawned on me that in most situations, the cheating spouse does not leave. It is usually the spouse that got cheated on that initiates the D because they cant take it anymore. SO with that in mind, there is hope for all of us, if you look at it that way.
You are doing great. YOu ahve inspired people here, myself included.
Thanks Sun---you know, I was actually thinking about how easy it is for the ow to be who she thinks he wants her to be...she knows his complaints about me....I actually saw that in one of her emails about loving her body and being confident...definitely one of H's complaints about me is I don't like the way I look and I always put myself down...I'm to fat, I look like crap...not anymore of course!
I do feel good about me. I have wanted to call or send an email to the ow but I know first off that that won't get me anywhere and secondly I shouldn't stoop to their level. I can say that I have taken this opportunity to look at myself and change the things I don't like, I truly feel that I am becoming a better person. Although it doesn't seem like it sometimes, that is what truly matters!
