Quote: I hope I don't offend you by saying this but it seems to me that you are often writing on the theme of being simultaneously attracted and repelled by your BF's childish traits. Perhaps what you want/need is the presence of a real child or children in your life at this time.
No offense in the least. I'm extremely interested in all observations that other people have of me regarding things I cannot see about myself.
On that note: WOW!
That is a really good observation. I don't have children of my own, and as an only child, I was never around babies or anything. Somehow I got the message from somewhere that I wouldn't have children. That that was something other people did, but that I wouldn't. Not that having children was "beneath me" or anything like that. Quite the contrary... that I was not entitled to this simple human pleasure and responsibility. I truly felt I did not have permission to have children.
One might ask me "do you regret not having children?" but in my mind it really wasn't an option. Kind of like you might see an astronaut on tv and never consider for a minute that you could be an astronaut. I remember reading books about babies and pregnancy and being excited and fascinated, but it still didn't seem like something that was accessible to me. Again, kind of like "it would be so nice to live in Paris someday" when you know you'll never do it.
I know this message came from my mother who was the oldest girl of 10 children in an immigrant family. She has some very dark stuff in her childhood that she will not talk about. Anyway, that's another long story.
I've only lately come to these realizations and conclusions about having chidren. This belief about myself was like an invisible suit that was restricting me, but that I could not see. A lot of this stuff is like that, so you have to ask other people to point it out.
But to carry your comment further, how can I introduce a child into my life? The obvious answer (but not until this moment) is to let my own child come out to play.
In my FOO a child was not a valuable thing. A child was someone who should be quiet, speak when spoken to, and keep out of the way. Maybe that is bound up in the message to me about not having children-- why do something so worthless.
I think I have failed to value the child in me. I know I have. Somewhere along the way I discarded her and abandoned her... and now I need to go back to wherever I dropped her off, pick her up, and take her with me.
For those who remember Buffalo Springfield, you'll also remember Transactional Analysis, a pop psych that appeared in the late 60's. Simplified: we each have Parent, Adult, and Child facets to our personalities. When two people get together these facets relate Parent to Parent, Parent to Adult, etc., through all the iterations. But Sex happens in the Child to Child interaction. Sex is grownups at play. In fact my late husband's shorthand for ML was, "Do you want to play?" which I always thought was very sweet.
It also occurs to me that my tendency to micromanage my bf's irresponsibility is me relating to him as Parent to Child, which not only tweaks his Mom issues, but is the death of sexuality.
It FURTHER occurs to me that as a writer I often feel creatively stuck when it comes to story ideas. But of course the creator and generator of fiction is the Child. So my Adult needs Little Lil to tell me the stories that I write down. Yikes... what a lot of "pregnant" ideas from your one comment.
There is a heckuva lot of food for thought here... put it on my tab, JJ.
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Years ago, I got the following text from somewhere, and when I meet a new friend, I usually print one up for them in certificate form on nice paper (sometimes I frame it). Feel free to plagarize at will. It fits nicely on letter sized paper landscape format. Just copy the text, paste, then center it.
Quote: By this Certificate know ye that
(NAME)
is a Lifetime Member in Good Standing in the Society of Childlike Grown-ups
and is hereby Forever entitled to
walk in the rain, jump in mud puddles, collect rainbows, smell flowers, blow bubbles, stop along the way, build sand castles, watch the moon and stars come out, say hello to everyone, go barefoot, go on adventures, sing in the shower, have a merry heart, read children's books, act silly, take bubble baths, get new sneakers, hold hands and hug and kiss, dance, fly kites, laugh and cry for the health of it, wander around, feel scared, feel sad, feel mad, feel happy, give up worry and guilt and shame, stay innocent, say yes, say no, say the magic words, ask lots of questions, kiss dogs on the nose, ride bicycles, draw and paint, see things differently, fall down and get up again, talk with animals, look at the sky, trust the universe, stay up late, climb trees, take naps, do nothing, daydream, play with toys, play under the covers, have pillow fights, learn new stuff, get excited about everything, be a clown, enjoy having a body, listen to music, find out how things work, make up new rules, tell stories, save the world, make friends with the other kids on the block, and do anything else that brings more happiness, celebration, relaxation, communication, health, joy, love, creativity, pleasure, abundance, grace, self-esteem, courage, balance, spontaneity, passion, beauty, peace, and life energy to the above-named Member and to other Humans and Beings on this Planet. Furthermore, the above-named Member is Officially Authorized to frequent amusement parks, beaches, meadows, mountain tops, swimming pools, forests, playgrounds, picnic areas, summer camps, birthday parties, bookstores, cookie shops, ice cream parlors, theaters, hammocks, aquariums, museums, planetariums, toy stores, festivals, and other places where Children of All Ages come to Play, and is encouraged always
to Remember the Motto of the Society of Childlike Grown-ups:
