The problem with spending time (toom much?)thinking about a problematic relationship is that you develop an "idea" of who your partner is and how he/she behaves and you contrast that with your "ideal" of how you would like a partner to behave. I once read a bit of a Buddhist book on sexuality which recommended that you should try to see your partner with "fresh eyes" every time you have sex. It would be nice if we could see ourselves with "fresh eyes" too.
I recently came across a videotape in which I am interacting with my children when they were around 3 and 6 years old on an occasion we weren't conscious of being taped. Imagine a smiling, slow-moving, spaced-out cow interacting with two very active, grinning, chattering monkeys. I was struck by the fact that my kids tendency to cheerfully bounce off the walls was directly linked to my tendency to be cheerfully distracted and slow to react. I guess my point is we can be unaware of our own behavior even in a situation or relationship in which everyone is happy.
I sometimes wish I had a videotape of some of my interactions with my H. I'm sure that in many ways I'm getting exactly the H or relationship or reaction that I'm asking for and I just don't realize it. I think your suggestion that we should concentrate on observing ourselves in our relationships rather than our partners is a good one.
My sister was recently telling me about how she used to have problems with relationships because she was always becoming involved with heavy metal guitar player types. The way she got over this was by doing her best to become a heavy metal guitar player herself. If we need a relationship in order to feel complete, maybe we need to concentrate on figuring out what are our own missing puzzle pieces. I hope I don't offend you by saying this but it seems to me that you are often writing on the theme of being simultaneously attracted and repelled by your BF's childish traits. Perhaps what you want/need is the presence of a real child or children in your life at this time.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
