Anyone else old enough to remember that Buffalo Springfield tune the first time around?
Among the denizens that hang around here, I have the dubious distinction of having been in several serious, long term relationships that ended in various ways. I've been both the dumper and the dumpee, and, alas, the widow. I very much agree with something that NOP said a while back that all Rs hit some kind of a wall, and at that point you have the choice to either stay and keep loving or move down the road and start over. In every past R, I've felt that the problem was that I hadn't found the right partner "yet."
I never expected a perfect R. I know there are bumps and conflicts, but what was missing, and is still missing, is a foundation of connectedness and serenity. The closest I came was with my late husband, but even then, he was depressed, and it was hard.
Last night I took my bf to the emergency room after we determined that he had a temp of 104, and they diagnosed him with pneumonia. (Can you catch REAL viruses from the internet?) While I was waiting for him, I read the book our book club is doing tonight. It's called "Homemade Love." It's a collection of short stories about different romantic Rs. It's written in dialect (African-American), and I usually find dialect very hard to read, but I didn't have anything else to read, so I plowed through. And somewhere in the middle of the book, something seeped into me and awakened me. In this book, the author, with the colorful name of J. California Cooper, presents such sweet simple stories of people who find love. Some don't; some find only trouble. But the kind of love she describes is so SIMPLE. Karen, your post caught my eye with the title Simple Loving. That could be the subtitle of this book. I know that 's what I want. I don't mind conflict. I don't mind work. I'd rather not have medical emergencies, but I can handle them. I don't need a lot of money, and I don't mind contributing my money to the enterprise. I don't mind taking my share of the responsibility. But I want to be part of a loving R. Back to my concept of the Economy of Emotional Deprivation. I'm starving for affection here, and it just plain isn't necessary.
Also I've been reading some books written from a Buddhist psychotherapy point of view-- Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, and books by Sharon Salzberg and John Welwood-- and what they say-- what we've all said over and over again-- is that you have to start with yourself. You have to start by loving yourself. But what exactly does that mean? What does that look like?
Today, I took my bf to the doctor to follow up. I was glancing through a magazine in the waiting room and was plunged into a dark and pensive mood when I read that the average man has intercourse 7 to 8 times per month. (You know me and stats. ) Then bf and I went to breakfast. We pulled up to the restaurant, and I asked him something-or-other, and he-- for the gazillionth time-- replied to me in that exasperated, sighing, eye rolling, totally unnecessary tone of voice, and I just stopped him dead. I said, "Look, you go into the restaurant. I'll take these prescriptions to the drugstore and come back." I drove around thinking... looking back over my past Rs, not wanting to start over with someone else. I recognize that I cannot control what my bf does or how he treats me. I can only make a request and then stick around or not stick around. But I felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing.
Then a big light bulb (or as we say in the South: a "LAHT BUB") appeared over my head. I know I am the common denominator in all my Rs-- obviously. But in each one of them, in one way or another *I have had to nail my partner's feet to the floor to keep him present.* That sums it up, in a nutshell. In one way or another, my partner has not been present during our relationship.
It's easy enough to say "oh well, you attract unavailable men." Well, duh.
But the Buddhist psychotherapy perspective (and not only that one, but it's the one I've been reading) says that your R is mirroring yourself to you. The state of your R is mirroring your internal state. A good way of putting it (from an alcoholism site) is: "When you're in love with someone, they are a walking manifestation of your soul-- good and bad." Sometimes this concept is presented (rather unhelpfully IMHO) as: you attract what you think you're worth. Well, yeah, but how do I increase my own idea of what I'm worth? Lose weight, work out, make more money, act more sexy, have a face lift?
How much more revealing for me to apply this mirroring concept to myself by saying: *I* am not present for myself, therefore I attract partners who mirror that back to me, i.e., who are not present to me. When I become present to myself, then I will have a partner who is fully present. That might be current bf or not. This gives newer and deeper meaning to the expression: "Ninety percent of life is just showing up."
When I picked him up at the restaurant, he was Mister Chatty, but I put my hand on his arm and said, I want you to treat me with kindness. Whether you think I deserve it or not. I don't ask for a lot, but I must have kindness. I also shared with him what the C said to me privately, namely, that she doesn't think he can rise to the challenge of being really awake. She thinks he is going to keep putting his mother's face on me and then punishing me for how she treated him. I told him that she said if he did change, it would take years, and that I would probably have to seek out another partner. I was driving at the time, so I didn't see his face, but you know what, he's a big boy.
I put myself on hold while he was drinking, after the heart stuff, when he lost his job, when he QUIT drinking. Now he just started a really good job (Yay!), and I can't wait any more. I'm dyin' here.
Being absolutely open, transparent, and vulnerable to each other seems to be the surest way out of the SSM. I think the NOPs, IHJ, and GGB (congrats, BTW!) have shown the most consistent "success," IF we define success as an undercurrent of connection, intimacy, and physical eroticism that can be accessed with some predictability, minimal defensiveness, and just feeling that the future looks pretty darn good.
If I look at the things about my bf that most hit my hot buttons, I have to take what I observe, remove him from the picture, and ask, how do I do this to myself. If he lets me down, how do I let myself down? If he is afraid to be open with me, how do I lie to myself? Do I walk my own talk, or do I just talk to hear my gums flap (don't answer that!)?
This felt like a huge revelation to me. When I am present to myself, I will attract a partner who is present. How am I not present? For one thing, by letting him talk to me in ways that hurt. By not taking as good care of myself as I can. By focusing so much of my energy on him that I forget about myself altogether.
I had a big insight about 20 years ago when I was going with another guy. I wrote in my journal a lot back then and did a lot of work on myself, but when I would go back and reread the stuff, I noticed that whenever I felt that I was on the verge of some kind of inner breakthrough, HE would have some kind of crisis that would distract me. That pattern has repeated, too.
I'm also in a position that many of you are not, namely, not married, no kids, our own houses, separate finances. I look at some of the situations on this board, where y'all have been struggling for years, and you don't feel D is an option... and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.
Even if it is an option, some of you are divorced, so you know how painful it is.
So like NOP says, you either stay and love or go somewhere else and start over... and if you have not become conscious of the way in which your current R mirrors your internal R with yourself, the odds are very high that in a few years, you'll be in exactly the same spot. Well, not exactly the same... that would be too easy. But the themes will be there... the loneliness, the frustration, the wondering why s/he can't give something that's so simple and natural...
And yet, I can see, that when you take care of yourself first, namely, begin to truly offer support to yourself (which some partners do not), value your own wants and needs (which some partners do not), keep your commitments to yourself (unlike some partners who fail to show up when they said they would), to stay with someone whose behavior is so discordant with your healthy inner life will become intolerable. This is the crucible, where you grow and change, or one of you bails.
I have to say that I think I have grown more in this R than any other in my past. 'Bout damm time.
"The truth shall set ye free, but first it shall make ye miserable."
) Then bf and I went to breakfast. We pulled up to the restaurant, and I asked him something-or-other, and he-- for the gazillionth time-- replied to me in that exasperated, sighing, eye rolling, totally unnecessary tone of voice, and I just stopped him dead. I said, "Look, you go into the restaurant. I'll take these prescriptions to the drugstore and come back." I drove around thinking... looking back over my past Rs, not wanting to start over with someone else. I recognize that I cannot control what my bf does or how he treats me. I can only make a request and then stick around or not stick around. But I felt like a piece of the puzzle was missing. 
