It was my day off yesterday - kept very busy running errands before my trip to Chicago for V day (without H). We ended up catching a movie after his return from work (Million Dollar Baby) and halfway through the movie I got overwhelmed with sadness and resentment towards H. Just the images of him and OW kissing and holding hands came flooding over me. I pulled away and as we were walking out he noticed that I'm not okay.
Well, it was either me blowing up or keeping my mouth shot and hoping it will pass. I chose the second option but he thought I was giving him a silence tx. We ended up having another R talk where I told him that it will take time for me to get used to it and to forget the pain (will never forget his actions though). He of course brought up the reason for his actions which of course pointed finger at me. Hate when he just makes sure that I know it was all "my fault". I chose to validate but gently let him know that yes, I might have been a part of the problem and the reason for the way he felt but I was not the one that made the choice of him having an affair. That's his responsibility to take. We were okay after that, today it's perfect (he e-mails me, texted me etc) but I have an issue now.
Apparently his anti-depressents ARE effecting his sex drive to the point that he is turning me down (feels bad about it or at least tells me he does) and I don't want to get the same feelings he did about me that led to the whole mess in the first place. Maybe he will talk to his shrink about it and maybe he will switch the meds. For now it's not really an issue but I'm foreseeing it as such if things continue like that. Maybe it's still resentment talking - he feels justified about what happenend even though he regrets it.
I just read some of your thread for the first time. I to believe in miracles, W and I were D on Jan 5, 2005, then about 2 wks later she asked me to close the store early to home to to ML.
We have been D for a little over a month, we get along better, still live in the same house with our 3 children and ML more than we did when we were married. I sleep on the couch and she sleeps in "her bedroom". I flirt with her alot now and abt every other day she invites me to ML after the kids are sleeping. She says that the sex is with "no strings attached". ML with her now is more exciting than ever before.
She says she is not making any commitment to me about a relationship, she just wants sex. I am going to keep ML with her in the hopes that she may fall back in love with me again.
Crushed, Do you think she has any feelings for me and just can't admit it because of the A she had and the D? I just can't image after 15+ yrs with her that its just abt sex?
If you have time please check my thread by doing a search for jdd.
jdd I'll definitelly do the search and let you know what I think. I might have to wait till I'm in Chicago (leaving on Friday) because I'm slammed at work and I don't want to do the bb at home in front of the H. I promise though - I'll get back to you before the week is over. Off to get home right now!
I know how you are feeling, Crushed. Hang in there. At least you know that he is with you, because of you, not because of any children, as in my case. I keep telling myself to be patient, but I fast running out of it. Hopefully, you will have more of it than me.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
So here it is: I'm in Chicago visiting my parents and went to see the same psychic I did after my brother passed away. I'm extremely....frustrated? I know that I should only rely on things that are tangible but some of the things already came true, she knew a lot about the past, she repeated some stuff she told me last time but there were also a lot of changes from the previous to current reading. Basically she told me that now is the time to take things easy, invest in myself and to start figuring out what I want.
I'm at the fork, in the next 6-8 months I will decide regarding my M. If I stay with my H I will have 2 more crisis (one of them will be my affair with someone and his affair with another person) I will have a child and eventually things will even out. Supposedly we ARE ment for each other (our R is "blessed") but it's no bed of roses. If I choose to part ways (BTW: she told me that my H will NEVER D me, it will be me pulling the strings in that manner if it's my choice) I will meet someone in 2007 and get married again in Nov 2008. That M will be for life and without crisis.
She asked me a question: am I strong enough to go through all of this as pertaining to my current R with H. She gave me some things that I should do if I chose to work on the current M. She said it will ultimately be up to me to either leave him or stay. A lot of it will have to do with emotions that I will need to learn to control or let them run me down.
H called me to talk before going to bed. I asked him to fly in for a weekend and said I'll pay for the ticket. I told him that I thought it was really important for us to be together. He was surprised, said that he was hoping to catch up on his freelance and clean up the place, that it's a lot of money for short time and instead we should just go to B&B after his trip to Chicago in March (he will be staying in Chicago - hotel-oevernight for one of his shows). I did not hide that I was really disappointed I hoped he would've been spontaneous and totally up for it especially that I was paying. Oh well, I understand that he made his plans, just sad that they did not include me.
I"m planning on going shopping with my parents and then going out with my sister in law for drinks tomorro night. Sunday we are going to her B-day party (she turned 26 yesterday), Monday is V-day and I have no plans (trying to get my depressed friend from Canada to fly in - she is going through D herself) and Tuesday I'm back home. Feeling realy down because of that psychic reading (I can't believe that if it's true and I sayed with him he would cheat on me AGAIN) and the fact that my H was less than thrilled to fly in for a weekend with pretty much all expenses paid by me.
Yeah. great trip it is. Going to concentrate on spending time with my family and showing them my love because it's true - they are the only ones I can truly count on when it comes to love.
Just caught up with your sitch. Wow! Congratulations on the D being pulled! That is what so many of us hope for and are working toward!
Sounds like now the real work has begun. There will be a time to work through your resentments about the A. But now there may be a greater need to lay a stronger foundation for the R - using DB skills and your self-work to strengthen your and H's shaken trust in each other while maintaining your own energy/health. The sexual side effects of his meds points to the need to eventually address his depression with some behavior and thought changes. Is he in IC? It might be helpful to address this indirectly through a boost in activities that both of you enjoy - kind of killing 2 birds with 1 stone: addressing his dep while pursuing quality time and old/new interests/memory making together. Although his Dep is not your responsibility.
Your visit to Chicago to see family sounds like a nice move. Touching base with your roots, and feeding off that support. Ultimately though, you've got to self-support and stay an individual for your new R to work.
I'm very happy for you, Crushed! Keep us posted on your work when you get back. Safe travels.
not much to update on. Still going strong - H very commited and loving. We ML at least every other day, sometimes twice a day....I still struggle with trust though and wonder if I want to continue on like that. I feel that I'm loosing my love for him...maybe it's just pride talking and I need to get over it. Every time we get intimate the picture of OW gets in front of my eyes and I just turn cold inside (don't should it outside - at least I don't think so). I will need to resume my sessions (psychiatrist) and probably get on some anti-depressants myself. BTW: H lost his pills the other week and hasn't gotten new ones yet. It's been a week without them and he says he should be back on them for at least 6 months to a year. He better gets them soon...if he can feel the difference then it must be there.
I found the same problem with my H - everytime we ML, I would think of them (even though theirs was not a PA, but I saw the IM's where they discussed what they would do to each other). After the almost 4 months since finding the IM's, I have been able to get over that, and don't think about it anymore. After all, he is with me, and says he loves me, and wants our M to work. So, I am trying to take him at his word.
I think you should just give it some time, Crushed. Try and refocus on you and he being together, and ignore OW, because she doesn't matter anymore, if she ever did.
Thinking of ya!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Let it go, move on and build. You can't fix it or do anything about it, all it will do is tear you down. Work on today and leave the past where it is. Are you looking for some kind of remorse or penance. Remember, he might not see his mistake the same as you do. Even if he did, will he ever be able to satisfy your never ending price for his guilt. It's a loosing struggle.
Capitalize on his desire and excitement to build a future. Remember excitement generates more excitement. Only negative forces want us to focus on the past. I have to focus on this as you do. For me this is the second time through this kind of mess. However, this time I have and understand DBing and of course you guys out there.
Things still going great. Minor slip up on Fri and then Sat when I got pissed at H because I noticed that he still had OW's cell number programmed in (I was dialing a number for him when he was driving and saw it then) and again when I got my EZ Pass (automatic toll charge) statement and saw the bucks he racked up when I was away and he was going to see her. He deleted her number by now, he got upset that I kept "beating him down" for something that he can't undo and he repeating how much he loves me and how great he feels about us and our future together.
Spent great weekend together. Friday he took a day off and after I came back from work (covering half day for someone) we went shopping. Saturday he had a haircut and I drove him to it and then went shopping. Mid day we drove to the city and drove through Central Park to see the new exhibit (The gates), then met up with his friends for dinner and then comedy show. Sunday he went back to the city for toy fair and I was just hanging out. We made it a blockbuster night and now it's Monday....
